


Something Worth Saving

by SoulLove



Category: Blake Shelton (Musician), Gwen Stefani - Fandom, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: AU, AU twist, Angst, Blake's POV, Drama, F/M, Love, Psychological Drama, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Suicide, alternative universe, bad boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2018-12-06 08:37:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 53,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11596992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoulLove/pseuds/SoulLove
Summary: "If I had a thousand livesI'd find you a thousand timesYou know I'd come back againOh even if it breaks your heartEven if it tears your world apartStill you keep holding onIf something's worth saving"Spotify Playlist - https://open.spotify.com/user/12146200518/playlist/7g9WywsC9sDsi1xb3r59n6





	1. Not your everyday bad boy

**Author's Note:**

> This idea of a bad boy Blake has been dancing around my head since I began the last chapters of Breathe Me. I also want to do something a little slower, more delicate and focusing on the characters' growth. This one will be narrated only by Blake, so *we* will find things out and understand things only when he does.
> 
> Try not to hate him so much, he ages like a fine wine, I promise! Also, it will be fun to see him break his face every time, haha
> 
> I already have all the ideas lined up to each chapters BUT suggestions are always welcome! I learned from the last one that your feedback is EVERYTHING and I couldn't have done anything if it wasn't for you <3

Ok, so sit down and get comfortable.

Are you ready? I'm about to tell you the story of my fucked up life. More precisely, why I ended up with so much blood on my shirt and at the wrong end of a gun.

Let me tell ya, this is not some _happy-ending, things-are-gonna-work-out-in-the-end_ kinda things.

But, if you’re still here, that means you wanna know everything, right? So I'm gonna tell you, and I'm not gonna hold back.

First things first. My name is Blake Shelton, 28 years old, with a 10-year-long career in country music and more than 20 million album copies sold, 15 number 1 hit singles _in a row._ My name was immediately recognized everywhere I went and my dimples had the magic power to drop any panties in a 5-mile radius.

It all started because I was a dick.

Yeah, you heard right.

I mean, I could sugar coat it, give you some lame excuse about how I was some famous singer that always had everything that money could buy and that made me spoiled, or how I found my girlfriend naked on her bed with someone that wasn't me, and that made me go to a bar and pick up a fight with pretty much every guy that was bigger and deadlier than I was. But, the truth is, I was a dick

I got to Miranda’s house by surprise, because my plane had landed earlier in LA from Nashville. I had spent two weeks away recording the vocals for my new album while she was here, doing some promos for an album of her own.

What a country guys does with a house and a girlfriend in LA, you ask? The house can be explained by my second job: a coach on a show called The Voice. I was helping young, struggling artists with their talent, whilst cleaning my reputation and being a perfect gentleman with a southern accent. It was not my first idea for a part-time job, but the exposure was nice and the payment was sweet. So I agreed. My mom had a heart attack when she heard it. Poor thing, she thought that would _correct my ways._ So innocent, so naive.

The girlfriend part comes from an agreement. Miranda was hot and new at the business. I wanted to get in her panties, she wanted to be in the spotlight. The sex was okay and most of the days she didn’t cause me any trouble. We were the perfect young country couple. People went crazy for us.

The thing is, she started having _real_ feelings for me, and I wasn’t the guy for that. I wanted my freedom, our original agreement, and she thought I was bluffing. So she tried to be extra clingy, which repelled me even more. I tried to broke things off, she didn’t want to, she got pissed and cheated on me to see if that would ~wake something~ inside my heart. Quite the opposite, I was glad that now I had a legit excuse to never see her again.

I know I didn’t treat her right, that I was a terrible boyfriend and probably deserved to be cheated on, and even if it wasn’t for that, I still didn’t need to go to that damn bar and throw the first punch.

On top of that, I sure as hell didn’t need to drive my truck around LA when I was shitfaced drunk. I mean _talking in different languages_ drunk. Obviously, you shouldn’t drive while hammered like I was, because you get as result 3 things: an accident, a night in jail and a bunch of people sticking their fingers on your face saying that _you need to change._

The minute I lifted my head from the steering wheel and saw the damage, I knew I had fucked up. My truck was halfway inside some car dealership building and there were glass everywhere. I felt something sticky and warm coming down my forehead and reached it with my fingers. As suspected, it was blood.

I heard the sirens from afar and rested my head on the back of the seat, closing my eyes. Soon, the place was packed with cops and the press. And my drunk self was a nasty thing to see. At least, I didn’t kill or harm anyone, so that was a silver lining, don’t you think?

 _Great,_ now my publicist was going to kill me.

 

“You’re not gonna reach the end of the year alive if you keep on this path, Blake.” Andre was pacing in front of me while some nurse cleaned my cut and stitched me up.. We were in the middle of some E.R room that he insisted on bringing me, practically threatening to sue both policemen if I get an infection.

I mean, I was being arrested, even still he managed to make this pit stop on the hospital. The guy was _good._

“Bullshit, I was only getting over Miranda. She cheated on me, ya know? I had to drown my sorrows.” I argued with a smirk. I couldn’t care less about that bitch, but she made a good excuse at the time.

Andre stopped and stared at me, shaking his head. “One day it’s Miranda, the other is the label guys that won’t get off your foot, the other you are just playing around with your buddies…” The nurse finished her work on my head and left us alone. He got closer and put both hands on my shoulders, lowering his head to face me. “I don’t want another Jimi Hendrix, Blake. I don’t wanna wake up with my phone ringing one day with someone on the other end saying that you’re dead.”

I tried to play it cool, as if didn’t hit me. “Don’t worry about that, man! I’m not gonna be Jimi Hendrix, my hair is way cooler and I know that you have to turn to your side when throwing up.” I laughed, but he didn’t find my joke funny.

“I’m warning you as your publicist and as your friend. But if it not does any good for you, maybe jail will.”

Sidenote: That warning came too late, my friend. Because I was already on a path with no return. The minute I grabbed my keys to get out of the bar, my fate was sealed. But my cause of death was much worse than vomit in my lungs.

 

  
I spent that night in jail and got out on the other day, not without leaving some pretty hard-earned money on bail. The street in front of the police station was swamped with reporters and paparazzi, all dying to get the latest scoop on the _Country’s bad boy,_ as they liked to call me.

At home, I got scolded by pretty much everyone that ever knew my name: my PR Team, my manager, my lawyer, both my assistants... Even Betty, my dog, was giving me the stinky eye. If my mom was here in LA, she most definitely would be putting me across her lap right now.

Thank God she wasn't, because it's kinda embarrassing being a 6 foot 5, 28 years old guy that gets beat up by his mommy.

I agreed with all they said, mostly because the hangover was killing me, not to mention the huge cut above my eyebrow. _I was in a car accident, people! At least let me sleep some before making my ear fall off!_

“Can you guys yell at me tomorrow? There’s some Advil with my name on it upstairs and I have to sleep the buzz off.” I didn’t even let they answer. I simply turned my back and went to my room.

 

Two months later, my little show on the car dealership was rewarding me with a year of weekly community service. Sweet, huh? It was a pretty good deal, considering I could end up in jail for months. But I was a first-time offender with a costly lawyer, so all and all, I think I turned out fine. All I had to do now was show up a couple times on a foundation or whatever, hold some kids for pictures and I could move on with my life.

How did I celebrate my victory? With a night out, of course. And with two pretty brunettes waking up in my bed the next day. _Miranda who, am I right_?

  
In case you didn’t realize this already, I’m gonna spell it out for you: if I had to go to jail, in the end, it would probably be better than going to that stupid institution.

 

Because I met her there, my downfall. The reason of my undoing had brown eyes and a smart mouth that makes me wanna either jump off a bridge or kiss it until she shuts up. If I knew that going to that stupid bar and drive while drunk would make me meet _her,_ my dear friend, I would swear off drinking for my entire life.

She is the reason that I’m telling you this now. She is the reason that my heart was broken beyond repair and also the reason why my shirt is covered in blood as we speak.

My destruction attended by the name of Gwen Stefani. A blonde, 27 year old girl with a soul as old as time. A smile powerful enough to render me speechless. Yeah, me, the same guy who is probably boring you to death with this poetry crap. The first time I saw her, I guessed two things: I was going to marry this girl, and she would break my heart.

Ok, who am I kidding? If I knew I was going to meet her, I would do everything

_All._

_Over._

_Again._


	2. You walk into the room and now my heart’s been stolen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it comes, chapter 2! Thank you so much for all the feedback! I hope you guys like the direction this is going.

“So… Today you’ll start your _Project Saint Blake_ , huh? That’s cute.” RaeLynn teased me whilst I changed and got ready to go do the damn community service. She was laid in my bed making a mess on the iTunes app on my phone. “Should we expect a letter from the Pope anytime soon?”

 

“Shut up, brat.” Despite being younger and a freaking pain in my ass, she was a dear friend, one of the few that actually put up with me. “You still up for drinks later?”

 

She looked the other way, trying to think of some excuse not to go. I knew it. She was going to bail on me on the last second, _as usual._ She’s been doing this for quite some time and, frankly, it’s annoying.

 

“Sorry turd, I have some things to do. Maybe some other time?”

 

“What the hell is happening, Rae? Why you don’t wanna go out with me anymore?” I confronted her, kinda irritated, wanting to know why I dropped to second place on her priorities’ list. Yeah, I was jealous and petty. _Sue me_.

 

“Okay, promise you won’t freak out?” She stood up to face me, dropping my phone on the bed to put both her hands on my shoulders. Of course she had to stand on top of the bed, because she was a dwarf. “I got a boyfriend… his name is Jake.”

 

And probably he was jealous of me or thought I was _bad influence_ and asked her to stop seeing me. Great. “So he hates me already and doesn’t want you to hang out with me?”

 

She let out a big belly laugh, throwing her head back. “No, it’s the opposite! It is _me_ that doesn’t want you two to meet.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you know every single embarrassing story of me and you’ll tell him and he will bolt! I know you too well, mr. Blake Shelton! You’ll ruin this for me!” She slapped me on my arm playfully. “I’m just kidding. But I like spending time with him, that’s why I keep standing you up. Next time I’ll bring him, promise.”

 

“Fine. He better be a good man, otherwise I’m gonna kick his ass.”

 

Rae practically rolled on the floor laughing. When she finally recovered her breath, I was pissed, with my arms crossed in front of my body. “First, he’s in the Army, that means trained and allowed to handle a gun. Second… What the hell do you know about being a good man, Blake?”

 

Well, I was about to find out.

\-------------------

 

I parked my new truck just outside this huge facility, and it was nothing like I expected. When I heard I was going to be working in a place that helped people with mental health problems, I immediately thought: hospice. Crazy people naked running away from the doctors, others hitting their heads on the wall… nothing like the clean, modern building I was standing in front of. It had this beautiful lawn full of flowers on the outside and discrete gates. From my point of view, I could see all the way to the other side of the land, where a wall entirely decorated with _graffiti art_ could be seen.

 

At the entrance, a sign where it read “John’s Garden”. Yeah, this was the place.

 

I knocked on the first door I saw going in and I received an “Come in!” in response.

 

“Sorry… I’m looking for Ms… _Sthefani.”_ I tried to read from the paper the court gave me.

 

 _“_ It’s _Stefani_ , “ I heard a voice correcting me, and soon a face emerged from the back of the room. “and I’m her. You can call me Gwen in here.”

 

My brain stopped functioning for a minute, while the most effortlessly beautiful girl I’ve ever seen made her way to me. She had this thing about her I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. Maybe it was the way she dressed, with baggy pants and a white tight tank top covering a bright blue bra, but showing her flat stomach. It was like she didn’t make an effort to look good, but I’ll be damned if she didn’t. She was petite, maybe 5 foot 6, with her blond hair secured in a bun, but she commanded a presence around the room like a queen to her subjects, not in an imposed way… They just… followed her leadership.

 

I spent embarrassing seconds trying to remember what I had to say, what I was doing there, what my name was. One look at those chocolate brown eyes and my brain was wiped clean. I saw her red lips moving but I couldn’t hear what she was saying, because my blood was racing through my ears.

 

_Let’s make a quick stop here._

 

Ladies, if you have someone in your life, stop reading this and ask him (or her, I don’t judge) if they remember what they felt when they saw you. If they didn’t have a reaction like that… Dump his/her ass. Because this is the only reaction worth having. I had never felt my heart beating this fast, not even when I raced my friend Luke Bryan with tractors on a corn field just outside my hometown in Oklahoma. Nor when we crashed the damn thing and got arrested by the cops.

 

This is a feeling I would remember until the day I die.

_Ok, moving on._

 

She approached me but she didn't look at me twice. I wasn't used to someone not giving a fuck about who I was, and this was a terrible feeling. She repeated her question, looking at me, amused, like I was dressed with two shirts and I finally understood that she was asking my name.

 

“Uhm.. Sorry. I'm Blake, Blake Shelton, ma’am.” I tried to regain composure, but instead, she laughed at me.

 

“ _Ma’am…”_ She shook her head. “I'm probably younger than you, boy. But thanks for the facelift heads up.” Everyone around us laughed and I wish for a hole to swallow me right then, right there. “Can I see it?” She pointed at me, and I was confused. “Your paper.”

 

I was probably tomato red at that moment, already cursing five generations of that son of a bitch of the judge that got me into this mess. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.” I handed her the documents, which she needed her glasses to read.

 

Just when I thought this woman couldn't be hotter.

 

“Ohhh, you’re the cowboy! They called me to warn me you’d come! Welcome!” She clapped her hands, dismissing our little crowd, took off her glasses and then put a hand over my shoulder. She was much shorter than me so her arm was fully extended in order to do that. “C’mom, cowboy. I’ll show you around.”

 

“So… you're the boss around here?” We started walking towards the backyard, where some groups here and there were doing exercises, or practicing guitar, others were painting…

 

She laughed at the idea, as if it was ridiculous. “There are no bosses here, we just do our own part and each one of us is responsible for something. But I started this whole idea, so in some cases, I'm in charge.”

 

“ _You_ started this foundation? Really?”

 

“Hey! Don't look so surprised!”

 

“I'm sorry, I just… I just can't believe it, especially when you said you're younger than me.” _Would I ever have the upper hand with her?_

 

“Yeah, everything started when I was seventeen. A dear friend of mine committed suicide and none of his friends, including me, had any idea that he was battling depression. So I wanted to make sure nobody else had to go through that alone. That's how it all started.”

 

“My condolences.”

 

“It's okay. It was almost ten years ago. I got to help a shit ton of people since then.”

 

“You don't hold nothing back, do you?” I was a mix of starstruck and flirty.

 

“No, not really.” She flashed me a smile, and then continued the tour. “Each room is designed to a specific activity, but some days, when the weather is nice, like today, they like to go outside for a bit. We also have an emergency room, kinda like a mini-hospital, on the other side of the building, and a small theatre, where we perform and host events, concerts and stuff. C’mon, let’s get to your field.”

 

“So where the money to make all this happen comes from? You’re like filthy rich or something?”

 

“What? No, you’re crazy!” She laughed it off. “I’m a songwriter. I have a sweet deal with the label and they donate money here whenever I write a hit. And when I get to work with some famous people, I talk about this with them. Some of them help financially, others donate things for us to auction, others come and do the volunteer work...”

 

“Others come because a judge forced them…” She giggled at my joke. Finally I caught her off guard. Good to know my misery served as a source of laughter.

 

“Yeah, well.. That too.” We stopped at a hallway and she turned to face me. “So, this is you. You’re in charge of the bathrooms for the day.”

 

“WHAT?” This was some kind of mistake, I’m sure. I flashed my dimpled smile at her, hoping it would get me out of trouble, like always. “Look, I’m _the_ Blake Shelton, perhaps you’ve heard of me? You know, country superstar? Sweetie, I’m not made to clean bathrooms.”

 

“Let me see... two hands, two legs….” She pretended to inspect me. “Seems pretty made to clean bathrooms to me.  Now c’mon, your territory awaits for you, _your majesty.”_ She said in a theatrical way, mocking me.

 

“Can’t I teach music lessons to the kids? I’m pretty good at that.”

 

“No, there’s people already doing that. Your job today is to clean this place and that’s it.” She crossed her arms, smiling no more, standing her ground, and I crossed mine too, angry. I was certainly _not_ cleaning bathrooms. Not today, not never.

 

“I’m not doing this. Give me another task.”

 

“Listen, I don’t think I made myself clear.” She approached me with a fierceness that resembled a lioness, slowly getting closer to ambush its prey. For such a tiny girl, she could get strong and over me like in seconds. “You’re here to follow orders because you can’t stay on the right side of the law, and nobody here is going to cut you any slacks. I sure as hell don’t have to. I couldn’t care less about who you are. Here you are as big as everybody else and we all have to clean bathrooms from time to time.” She was practically on top of me now, cornering me to a wall, with a fire in her eyes that had the power to reduce me to ashes in seconds. “But yeah, I will give you another option.” She said, picking up a mop that was nearby and extending it to me. “Bathrooms.... Or jail?”

 

She smiled, that devilish smile that would hunt my nightmares, and I had no other choice but to snort and pick up the damn mop. Gwen nodded, satisfied, and left.

  


\----------

 

“Bathrooms! She made me clean _bathrooms_ for an entire day!” I was pacing back and forth in my living room, infuriated. My buddies, Luke and Adam, were howling with laughter, having a blast with my misery. “It was disgusting! And then, get this, after I finished, she came in to _inspect_ my work! Can this be more embarrassing?”

 

“Oh God, stop it! I’m gonna piss myself!” Adam tried to say, barely getting the words out because he was laughing so much.

 

“I would gladly sell my soul to buy a ticket and see this…” Luke added after a minute, when his hysterical crisis had already passed.

 

“Are you both done making fun of me? Can we please go now?”

 

“Yeah.” Adam agreed and got up, Luke soon following. “There is this new place I think we should check it out. Something not country for once.” Me and Luke both snorted, rolling our eyes. “Oh c’mon, you’re not gonna spontaneously combust if you step inside a rock bar! Please?” We didn’t answer, not really in the mood for bad music and people screaming on the mic. “My girl is gonna be waiting with two hot friends…”

 

Adam was dating a model, named Behati. I was mad at her for stealing my wingman, but now I could be persuaded into forgiving her. “Victoria’s Secret friends?” I asked.

 

“Maybe… You’ll have to come and find out…”

 

“You know, a change of scenario can be good for us, don’t you think, Luke?”

 

“Yeah! I’m in!”

 

What can I say? I’m a man easy to please.

 

As expected, the music was loud and the place was packed. Adam had told us that he wanted to hear this band, called Bush, because the buzz behind their songs was taking over the internet. Adam was a musician himself, lead singer of Maroon 5, fellow coach on The Voice and a music nerd, so we went with him to see they perform.

 

The vocalist was a skinny guy with way too much hair for my taste, but apparently the girls went crazy for him. His lyrics were indeed pretty good, but his voice… _ugh,_ headache-worthy. At least the girls with Behati were fun, easy-going and _yes, also models_ , so the night was not a total waste.

 

When the set was done, they came down the stage and Adam went to talk to them. It wasn’t too far away from our table, so I could see the interaction from where I was sitting. The vocalist was a jackass, more interested in two groupies giggling and hugging him than what Adam was saying, so pretty soon my friend finished the conversation and came back.

 

“What an asshole.” Adam said, sitting down.

 

“Who is this guy?”

 

“Gavin, apparently. I wanted to introduce myself and compliment him on his writing, but his head was somewhere else, if you know what I mean.”

 

“Yeah, I saw that." I said, but not giving too much thought into that. "Anyways, anyone needs a refill?”


	3. Watching her sway and go It's killing me and I know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! You pretty little devils got caught up on Do You Remember and didn't let me write this one! Aahaha
> 
> I hope you guys like it!

“You’re late.” I heard Gwen’s voice behind me as I was walking in. I turned around to face her, but she had her head down, reading some papers a girl was handing her. 

 

“Good morning to you too.” I used my most sarcastic voice.

 

“I’m sorry. Good morning, Blake.” She lifted her head to face me. No smiles today. “Now, you’re late.”

 

“I figured those bathrooms wouldn’t go anywhere so I could sleep a little more.” 

 

“Well, I was about to give you another task.... But since you loved those so much, you can clean them again today.” 

 

“Oh, c’mon…. Why are you trying so hard for me to hate this place?”

 

“Why are you trying so hard to be obnoxious?” She shot back. “You haven’t shown respect for our work once since you stepped inside and on top of it all you want an easy job?”

 

“Cleaning bathrooms is not going to help that!” I fired at her.

 

“You’re not here on vacation, Blake! You’re here to serve time so you don’t go to jail! Suck it up and grow up, you spoiled brat!”

 

She doesn’t even let me answer, as she stormed out of the hall went in one of the rooms. 

 

I cursed under my breath and went my way. I grabbed the familiar mop and buckets, swearing with a grumpy face. I cleaned them the fast as I could and got the hell out of there, hiding from her in the garden until it was time for me to go home. It was a beautiful and quiet place, with fruit trees all around. It was on the far side of the facility and was empty, because all other people were busy with their tasks or classes.. I pulled my phone out of it’s pocket to check Twitter and also a beautiful redhead I was texting back and forth all night yesterday. 

 

Her text game was strong so I didn’t realize there was someone sitting by my side until he said my name.

 

“Hey, Blake.” I jumped out of my skin and almost dropped my phone. “What are you doing here?”

 

“What’s up, man... Todd, is it?” He nodded. “To be honest… I’m hiding from Gwen.”

 

He let out a big laugh. “I know the feeling. She is not in a good mood today, huh?”

 

“I haven’t seen her in a good mood since I met her.” I blunted and he cracked up again. “Putting me to clean bathrooms is outrageous, who does she think she is?” I said, angry. 

 

“Someone that has cleaned them a bunch of times before.” Todd answered with a smirk. “But don’t mind her, I won’t tell that you’re here.”

 

“I appreciate, man. She is so…  _ ughhh”  _ I couldn’t find the right word to express my hate for her. 

 

“Easy now, she is my sister.” He said, but laughed right after, so I figured he wasn’t mad. 

 

“Sorry, but she just… Every time I see her I wanna.. I don’t know, throw something at the wall and shut her up.”

 

“Trust me, she isn’t always like this. She is going through a tough time right now.”  _ And I ran out of fucks to give.  _ “I’ll try to put up a good word for you with her, but you have to do your part. She need friends, so maybe you can  _ try  _ being nice?” I snorted and he laughed. “Anyways, is just an idea.” He stood up. “See you around, man.”

 

“See you.” 

 

He left and I tried getting back to my previous commitment with the redhead, but a screaming match was taking place just across the garden from me. It looked like Gwen’s voice. I shrugged my shoulders trying not to put much thought into it, but them she screamed “You’re hurting me, let go of my arm!” and that light up a red sign on my southern brain. There was a damsel in distress and doesn’t matter if she is an annoying girl that keeps sending you to clean bathrooms - you have to help. 

 

I rushed to where the fight was happening and found her with that arrogant dude from the band Adam told us about - Gavin, I think. She had been crying and the guy was livid with anger.

 

“She said to let go of her arm, man.” I said as I approached them. 

 

“Stay out of this, hillbilly. This is not of your business.” He answered, looking up and down to me and letting go of her arm.

 

“It is when I see a jerk abusing a lady. Let her go right now and pick a fight with someone your size.”  I raised my voice, puffing my chest and preparing for a fight. 

 

“There’s no need to  _ defend  _ me, Blake. I can handle it.” Gwen tried to intervene but didn’t sound too sure. 

 

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“Nobody wants you here, man. I’m her boyfriend, this is between me and her. Get the fuck out.” Gavin said. 

 

“I don’t give a fuck about who you say you are. Especially when I saw you with two groupies a week ago over the Escalade when you played with your band.” His eyes practically jumped out of his face. “It didn’t seem like you remembered that you had a girlfriend then. And it doesn’t give you the right to lay a hand on her.” This guy was getting on my nerves. 

 

“You’re gonna let this punk talk like this with me, Gwen?”

 

“We can talk later at home, ok?” She tried to appease the situation. The result was the opposite. Gavin got pissed and I prepared myself to jump in front of him in case I needed. But he just cursed out a “stupid bitch”, gave one last look at me and headed to the exit. 

 

She waited till he was out of sight to let out the breath she had been holding until now, curving herself and resting her hands on her knees.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

 

“Yeah, it was nothing.” She straightened her back but didn’t look at me. “He was upset over some silly thing and… it got out of control.”

 

“This creep is seriously your boyfriend? Because I did see him with…”

 

“That’s none of your business.” She sounded hurt. 

 

“He was cheating on you last week and now he was grabbing your arm. How can you defend this guy?” Was she blind? Was I missing something here? Because I sure as hell wasn’t following.

 

“You don’t know nothing about me or him. Don’t act like a freaking savior because all you did was make it worse! Stay out of this, Blake!”

 

She spilled all that at me and turned her back at me, leaving me speechless and alone in the middle of the garden. 

 

\------- 

 

I was wandering through the building when I stopped by an open door. Inside the room it was a single boy, about 14 years old, struggling to hit the right keys in the acoustic guitar. Despite being in the middle of summer, he had a long sleeve shirt on. I went inside to offer help and I realized why: he also had bandages in both wrists.

 

“Hey, buddy… I can help with that if you want to.” 

 

He just now realized I was watching him. “That’s okay, I don’t want to be a burden.” He said with an apologetic smile. 

 

“Are you kidding me?” I grinned and approached him, picking up another guitar that was on it’s holder. “It is either this or clean bathrooms for me and I don’t think I can stand a mop ever again.” He laughed shyly as I sat down in front of him. “So, what’s your name?”

 

“I’m Jake. You’re Blake Shelton, the country singer, right?”

 

I raised my hand to the sky. _“_ _ Finally!  _ Someone with a good taste in music!” He laughed louder. “I was beginning to think that I wasn’t famous at all in this building.”

 

“I watch The Voice all the time. You’re funny.” 

 

“Thanks, man. Now, how about I teach you some keys on this thing?” 

 

“That would be awesome. I’ve been trying to learn by myself but it’s harder than I thought.”

 

“They have teachers here. Why don’t you go to one of the classes?”

 

He seemed embarrassed, pulling his sleeves further down. “I just don’t wanna face people right now.”

 

“That’s ok.” I leaned forward, as if I was about to tell him a secret. “I hate nosy people too.” I whispered and he smiled, thankful. 

 

We spent more than an hour playing together. I even forgot that I was supposed to leave 20 minutes ago. Jake was slowly relaxing and enjoying himself with the music. He wanted to learn a song of mine and I was more than happy to teach him. We only stopped because I saw Gwen leaned by the door, watching us. She cleared her throat when she noticed me looking at her.

 

“Jake, your mom is waiting for you at the car.”

 

“Thanks, mrs. Stefani. I’ll be right there.” He turned around for me, leaving his guitar at the table. “Thanks for the lesson, Blake. It was fun.”

 

“You’re welcome, buddy.” I left my guitar next to his too, standing up. “Come looking for me whenever you wanna learn some more songs.”

 

“Ok.” She gather his things inside his backpack and left the room. Gwen and I were alone now. She hugged herself as if she was chilly, not knowing where to start. 

 

“I’m sorry I latched on you before. You were just trying to help.”

 

“I know I’m your least favorite person right now, but I don’t get it… You are so bold and strong-minded.. To the point that is annoying. You never cut me any slacks, you are never done scolding me. Why don’t you leave his sorry ass? He sounds like a scumbag. A worse scumbag than me.”

 

She sat down at one of the chairs. I followed her and sat down in front of her. 

 

“It’s complicated…” She began, running her fingers through her hair. They were down in soft waves today. “He wasn’t always like this. He used to be sweet and caring, he’s just… under a lot of pressure lately.” 

 

“I don’t see why do you think this makes what he did right, but I’m not meddling in your business.” 

 

She didn’t answer to that. Instead, she looked the other way, to the guitars resting on the table. “You did a pretty good job with Jake. We were having trouble connecting with him. He didn’t want to do any activities involving other people.” 

 

“He is ashamed by his scars. He doesn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t. We just played together.” I said, dismissing the gravity of the subject with my hand. 

 

“I was watching you two. You are a natural with kids. God only knows why, because you’re insufferable.” She provoked me, rolling her eyes. 

 

“That’s part of my charm, darlin.” I grinned, flashing my dimples. This time, they worked, because she let out a quiet laugh that she quickly disguised as a scuff. She stood up, straightening her pants. 

 

“See you around, Blake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blake is slowly getting into his original character. Be patient! It will be worth the wait!


	4. In my dark times, baby this is all I could be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm taking my time with this fic because you guys can't believe how deeply personal this is to me. I'll share more details with y'all on the last chapter, because I don't wanna spoil anything! Just know that your comments are simply everything to me and I wanna know how are you guys enjoying this fic. All ideas are welcome! 
> 
> Thank you so much for the support, God knows how much I needed to hear every word from each one of you that came to talk to me on Twitter. Y'all are seriously the best. I can never thank you enough. 
> 
> This chapter especially goes to Zoe for the incredible song suggestion (Dark Times - Ed Sheeran and The Weeknd) and all the girls on the GC. I love you guys so much!

 

“Hey Blake…” A small blond girl stopped me even before I passed the hallway to come inside the institution. 

 

“I’m not late today!” I said, defensive, and the girl laughed. 

 

“No, that’s not it. Gwen asked me to bring you to see her the minute you come in.” 

 

“Oh God, what have I done this time?” I’ve been the perfect volunteer, cleaning floors, washing dishes… I don’t know what she wants from me now. The girl shrugged her shoulders and motioned me to follow her. 

 

Gwen was sitting at her desk at the reception, with her glasses on. Her traditional tomboy clothes were gone. She was dressed to business. Tailored black suit on, but with a black sequin tank top exposing her stomach where she should be wearing a formal shirt. I guess this was her way of staying true to her style even when she had to be formal.

 

“Does your belly ever get cold from being uncovered all the time?” I asked, mocking her. 

 

“Does your tongue ever get tired of saying such stupid things?” She fired right back at me, looking me dead in the eye. I laughed and raised my hands in sign of defeat.  _ Touché. _

 

“What do I owe the pleasure of being summoned into your presence,  _ ma’am _ ?” I called her that because usually it pissed her off. 

 

“You’re making me re-think the opportunity I was about to give you,  _ boy. _ ” The last word came full of sarcasm. 

 

“Sorry, sorry.” I tried to hide my smirk.

 

“You’re gonna lead a music class today.”

 

“Seriously?”  _ No mops or dishes? I was so in. _

 

“This is usually my class, but today I have to go over the label studio to meet a new artist they want me to collaborate with.”

 

“That’s why you’re all dolled up?” Her answer was rolling her eyes.

 

“Anyway, these are kids about 8 or 9 years old, they don’t know much of music theory, but are good kids. Just teach them what you can and try not to screw up in the process.”

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” She laughed, taking off her glasses. “This means we are BFF’s now?”

 

“You wish, cowboy.” She tried to be serious, but a laugh escaped at the end, blowing her cover. “But this means I’m sorry. I wasn’t completely honest with you.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know… Everybody around here really has to clean bathrooms from time to time… But we kinda hazed you a little bit.” She confessed with a shy and childish smile. “You didn’t have to clean as many as you did.”

 

“Ohhhh, I see it now… Y’all were pranking the new idiot, huh?” She looked guilty and I decided to play with her feelings. “I must have known, just because I’m a hillbilly from the south you californians think you have the right to mock me….. I get it…” I tried to sound as hurt as possible to get some sympathy out of her. 

 

She saw right through me and didn’t even flinch. 

 

“Poor little rich boy, some mean lady is forcing you to  _ work  _ for once in your life?  _ How dare she?”  _ She replied, ironically.  _ Damn.  _ “Get out of here before I change my mind.” 

 

I nodded and did as I was told -  _ oh, the miracles _ -, but before passing the door, I turned around again to face her. “Are you… okay? I mean, with your guy and all.”

 

Gwen was caught off guard by my question. It took her a while to answer, probably wondering how much she could tell me. “Uhm, yeah. All good now.” 

 

“He apologized?”

 

“He proposed, actually.”

 

_ Oh.  _ I wasn’t expecting that. Why my sight was getting blurry? I reached the back of the chair in front of me and supported my weight in that, doing an herculean effort not to let anything out on my expression. But ultimately, I was mad. I was furious. How could she be so stupid?

 

“Tell me you didn’t say yes. Gwen, tell me you’re a smart woman and  _ did not say yes!”  _

 

“Hey!” She shouted at the same level, standing up. “You know nothing about him! You caught glimpses of him and that’s it!”

 

“And on both times he was being a jackass to you!”

 

“Times that he regrets and had apologized for! Would you like being judged by only your problems with the law?” I was stunned, thrown off balance. She realized it and took a deep breath. “Yeah, I thought so. Stay out of this, Blake!”

 

In a blink of an eye, she was out the door, leaving me alone in the room.  _ Shit.  _ I wanted to destroy this entire place, I wanted to smash something with my bare hands, I wanted to go to her and shake some sense into that pretty little blond head of hers. I wanted to punch that son of a bitch until he was dead. I just couldn’t believe what she was doing. How can someone be this naive? 

 

This was simply concern for her well-being. Gavin looked like a violent guy, by the way he grabbed her arm and spoke down on her. How can someone read that as ‘husband material’? This was ‘domestic abuse’ material if I’ve ever seen one. And where were her friends to warn her about it? They were all equally blind? Must be the water here, always tricking people into believing that the world is all sunshine and rainbows.

 

How am I supposed to be in a room full of kids now? I must have been the worst teacher in the history of teachers, simply trying to speed up time to get the fuck out of there. I introduced myself and a bunch of them already knew me, so that cheered me up a bit. 

 

“Mr. Shelton…” A little girl, about 9 years old, raised her hand and caught my attention. “I really love that music you did for the  _ Angry Birds Movie. _ Can we learn that one?”

 

“Oh, yeah.” I sighted. I might as well try to enjoy my time here, since apparently the clock was working backwards. “How about I play it and y’all help me sing?” They practically jumped on their chairs so I motioned to seat on the floor with me. 

 

How about that, they really uplifted my mood. What could I say? I was beginning to like those kids. I was even smiling when the class ended. When they all got up to go home, the same kid that asked the song hugged my waist and I didn’t know how to react.

 

“Thanks for letting us sing, Mr. Shelton! I really loved today’s class.”

 

“Uh, jeez… You’re welcome, I guess?”

 

I got out of the class feeling a little bit better about the whole situation. I mean, I wasn’t even her friend, she can do whatever she wants with her life. Once my time was up, I would be out of here like a thunderbolt and for the rest of my life I would be free from her. Our paths most likely would never cross again. 

 

Unfortunately, this feeling lasted only about 30 steps. Because when I got to the main gate, Gavin’s car was parked across the path. A shiny, pretentious, good-for-nothing car, just like the owner. Gwen stepped out of the ride, giggling like a little girl about something he said. I couldn’t get out without being seen, so I sat down on the bench, next to the girl that brought me to Gwen earlier.

 

“This jerk is blocking the way.” I said when she looked at me, interrogative. 

 

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t wanna see him too. And I’m waiting for my husband.” 

 

“Are you friends with her?” I pointed to Gwen with my head. 

 

“Yeah, we are sisters-in-law, actually. I’m married to Todd, her brother.” 

 

“Oh, I met him already. Good dude. You’re Jen, right?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Cool.” We stayed in silence a bit, just looking at the happy couple chatting and hugging in the driveway. “So, you don’t like the guy?”

 

“Gavin? No, I don’t. Todd keeps telling me that I should let go, that they are getting married, but I just…” She shook her head, exasperated. “He is just with her so he can use all her songs. That guy can’t write to save his life and keeps getting recognition for something he didn’t do.”

 

That’s why Adam was praising so much that band. It wasn’t Gavin’s song’s. It was Gwen’s. 

 

“And have you tried talking to her?”

 

“She is committed. I don’t think it’s out of love… I mean, in the beginning, they were super in love. Now, I don’t know.”

 

I acknowledged her answer and we stood there, just bouncing our feet and watching the scene. Indeed, Gwen looked really happy, throwing her head back and touching Gavin’s chest. I couldn’t take this anymore. Fuck being polite and hiding in the bushes. I stood up, threw a “See you, Jen” at her and marched over to my car, hitting the gas in a threatening way to make them move. Gwen jumped, startled, and Gavin looked at me as if he was seriously considering to shoot me. I didn’t care. I just wanted them out of my sight. 

 

He got into the car and drove away, freeing the path for me to go home. 

 

For the next two weeks, I had concerts all over the country, so I didn’t have the time to think about that girl. I didn’t want any sort of reminder of her. After each concert, I always chose the brunette groupies. I’d whisper sweet nothing on their ears and just like that they were on my bed. 

 

Girl after girl, after girl, after girl. I was drowning in whiskey and attention, every night a different bar until closing time. I thought I was having fun, but that sweet spot of no worries was getting harder and harder to achieve. I was in a downward spiral and those damn chocolate eyes kept popping everywhere I looked. 

 

A parade of women wasn’t doing the work I wanted, so I started picking up fights. One time it was a guy that looked funny at my boots, other one it was an idiot that tripped and made me spill my beer. I was making my security guy’s life really hard, but honestly, that’s why he was there for. I had cuts all over my face and my knuckles were bruised. Sometimes it was hard to play the guitar, but I kinda enjoyed the pain.  

 

Honestly, why was I caring so much about her? She could go to hell for all I care. She was the one responsible for making my life a living nightmare, she never spoke two words with me without turning into a fight and on top of it all she wanted to chain herself to a violent motherfucker. 

 

Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

 

The last concert of the tour was in Oklahoma, so I stayed at my mom’s house. Well, I arrived at morning, shitfaced and being carried by two staff members. My mom lead them to my old room and they placed me on the bed. She let me sleep all morning, but when I came down looking for some water, she was there on the kitchen, sipping some camomile tea. 

 

She waited for me to sit on the stool and drink my water. She didn’t spoke a word for several minutes. But when she did, her voice calm and controlled, I felt like she was screaming from the top of her lungs. It was worse than getting slapped. 

 

“I don’t wanna lose you too, Blake. I already lost Richie.”

 

Richie was my older brother, who died in a car crash when I was a kid. He was my hero and we all felt hard his absence. My mom knew very well that this would be the only topic to shock me, powerful to make me slow it down. I adjusted myself on the stool, deeply ashamed. 

"What is happening?" 

 

"Nothing. Just... Fame is getting the best of me, I think."

 

"I thought doing that volunteer work would help... I prayed so much for God to guide you and bring changes on your path.... Talk to me, son. We used to do this a lot, now... It looks like you're someone else. Someone I don't know."

 

"There's nothing to talk about, mom. I'm just a little out of focus, but I'll get better, promise."

 

“If you don’t wanna talk, that’s fine. But don’t do this. I can’t stand seeing you like this. That’s not why you were born, son. You are born with a talent so rare, so unique…. Why aren’t you using it? Why are you recurring to alcohol when you know your therapy is a piece of paper and a pen? This is really how you’re gonna go down? As a drunk getting killed in a fight?”

 

Her voice was the scariest thing. Not once I heard a hint of uncertainty or doubt.  

 

I was being a jerk to the only person that stood by my side all these years. I was making my own mother fear for my life. All because of what? Fame? A girl that I hated and soon enough would be out of my life? 

 

My mom was right. I didn’t have time to waste. I needed to write songs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave your thoughts on the comments or reach me on Twitter! @Ao3SoulLove


	5. I'm your lover, you're my weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one, as well as the next three chapters, are the most important ones on this fic. A lot of turning points, where the story finally goes where I intend to stay for the better part of it. So pay close attention and if you have any ideas or feedback, please let me know! 
> 
> As I said it last chapter, this story is deeply personal to me and it means the world that you are invested on it too. I love hearing from y'all! 
> 
> For this chapter, I used the song Can I Be Him - James Arthur, for inspiration. (Actually, it was listening to that song for the first time that I had the whole idea for this fic). And, obviously, One More Summer (the Santa Monica acoustic version) - No Doubt. Both of them are on the Spotify playlist for this fic.

Man, I was on fire!

 

This was like the fourth music I’ve written since I was back in LA. For the first time since I could remember, I turned down an invitation to go out on a Friday night. Adam thought I was on drugs, Luke said that there must be a girl involved, Rae asked if I was feeling well.

 

That life was getting old for me.

 

Especially when your mom hits you with the truth like mine did. I was so ashamed by the fact that I needed to be scolded by my _mother_ like a five year old… No judge in the world could make me feel this sorry. Also, I’ve been thinking about what Gwen said to me, about being judged only by my worst times. I’m sure that was happening; in fact, I couldn’t blame them. I was _living_ on bad times lately. But I wanted more.

 

Without even realizing, I was spending more and more time at the foundation. One day, Jake asked me to help him with another song. The other, it was a girl wanting to learn banjo. Soon enough, I was getting earlier and going home later and teaching a lot of kids individually.

 

It was a constantly slap in my face being in contact with kids full of personal problems. It made me realize how much of a lucky bastard I was, and yet, I was throwing it all away. I’m sure they would have given their right arm in exchange for my lack of issues. Well, I had them, but 99% of it was caused by my stupidness.

 

I tried to keep my distance from Gwen. We were not fighting, but also not speaking. Only “goodmorning” and “goodnight”. She asked me to do things and I did them, not questioning, not opposing… She could ask me to clean shit all day long and I’d do it.

 

 _That_ was the real miracle my mom was hoping for from this volunteer work.  Me being _helpful_ and _humble_ for once in my life.

 

Today it was a quiet summer morning, the weather was hot but a nice breeze cooled down the heat. I had an hour-long guitar lesson with Kylie, one of my students, so I decided to take it underneath a shadow of a tree in the garden. Kylie had mentioned once that she liked outdoors, it made her feel steady and calm.

 

I had just finished arranging a rug for us to sit on when she arrives when Gwen approached me with care, as if I would run away at the sight of her. Her hands were behind her body and her shoulders were curved forward, almost trying to protect the rest of her body. I sighed and sat down, pulling my guitar in front of my body, playing a few chords to test the fine tuning of the instrument.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hey, Gwen.”

 

“May I sit down?”

 

“Yeah., of course. Make yourself at home.” I said, not looking too much at her.

 

“You shouldn’t say that, because is making me want to take off my shoes and lay down on the grass.” She answered, laughing a little, trying to break the ice. I valued her effort and smiled a little bit too. She sat down in front of me, crossing her legs. “How were your concerts these past couple weeks? The kids were asking about you.”

 

“They were great. A lot of summer country festivals, it was nice.”

 

“I’m glad.”

 

“Do you need anything? I have a class with Kylie right now, but after that I’m free if you need a pair of hands.”

 

“No, that’s not what I’m here to talk about.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m sorry.... About the way I handled things. I was tired of everyone meddling in my relationship… when you came for it too I just…” She took a deep breath, looking down. “I apologize.”

 

“You don’t have to do that, Gwen. I was way over the line, we barely know each other, it was not my place to say anything. But if everyone is warning you.. Shouldn’t you at least try to see things from another perspective?”

 

“I know the man I fell in love with is still in there. He is just going through a rough patch right now, with his band and label… Things will work out.” She said and I had to admire the hope she put in every word.

 

“So a jerk like him deserves another chance, huh? Because from where I’m standing there’s nothing left for you to save in him.”

 

She scolded me with her eyes. “ _Everyone_ has something worth saving, Blake. That’s the whole point of John’s Garden!” She gestured around us. “What kind of a hypocrite would I be if I had set up this entire place to help people if I don’t grant the same courtesy to my own boyfriend?”

 

“I’m trying to decide if you’re naive or stupid.” I shook my head and looked in her eyes. I thought she was going to be offended, but she smiled.

 

“A little bit of one, a lot of the other.” We laughed. “But I prefer the term ‘ _optimist’_ , if you don’t mind.”

 

“Optimist until you end up with a purple…” I stopped mid-sentence. “I’m sorry. I won’t say anything. That was out of line. I’m just gonna say that if you need a giant to stomp on that little moron when you decide his chance is over, just call me. It would be my pleasure.”

 

“Oh, Blake…” She replied, giggling. “I almost forgot. In three weeks we’ll have our annual gala, to help raise money to keep the work going. It’s a ball, with formal attire, and a lot of our friends come to play some music for rich people with deep pockets. Would you mind playing too?”

 

“I’m more concerned about having to wear a tie.” She fell into laughter. “But yeah, of course I can play. I have some other friends that can play too.. In fact Adam will love to meet you. We went crazy by some of your songs the other day.”

 

“Adam? You mean Adam Levine, from Maroon 5?” I nodded. “You’re friends with him?” She sound so surprised it was hilarious.

 

“Yeah, we do this show called The Voice together. He is a good buddy.”

 

“I love his band! Of course you can bring him!”

 

“I’ll ask him if their schedule is clear.”

 

“But wait… where did he hear my songs?”

 

“We went to a Bush concert.”

 

She didn’t answer, just nodded, understanding that I knew who the _real_ songwriter was. She stood up, preparing herself to leave.

 

“Let me know when you find out if they can come or not.”

 

“You got it. See you later.”

 

“See you.”

 

\---------------

 

“Before I forget, do you have anything booked for 3 saturdays from now? There’s this thing at the foundation I’m working and the girl wants to meet you. She is the songwriter for that band we went to see, also the one that started the whole institution.”

 

I blunted everything in one single breath for Adam once I met him on set of The Voice, trying not to give away too much but failing miserably. He laughed at my awkwardness and my weird explanation of who Gwen was.

 

“Ok, first of all: no, we don’t have anything planned for that date. Count me in. Second… what?”

 

“Her name is Gwen Stefani. She is the one that had the idea for the foundation I’m serving time on. She is also a songwriter and is currently engaged to that dick you tried to talk to that night, Gavin.”

 

“She is _engaged_ to him? Not the brightest crayon on the box, huh?”

 

“She is just hopeless romantic.” I said, sarcastically. Adam picked up something on the air right away.

 

“And you are...?” Adam squinted his eyes at me.

 

“I’m nothing, Adam.”

 

“Yes, you are! You like her!” He jumped, laughing. “Oh my God, you like the girl that made you clean bathrooms! You have the weirdest fetish ever!”

 

“Shut up, you idiot. I don’t like her. I hate her, that’s totally opposite. I’m just done fighting.”

 

“Whatever you say, man…” Clearly not buying what I said. “Anyway, what’s the occasion?”

 

“It’s a gala they host to raise funds, with a lot of celebrities. She asked us to come perform.”

 

“Look at you, Mr. Philanthropist. I’m proud!”

 

“Why are you such a pain in my ass?”

 

“Because you love me!” He laughed and jumped on top of me, trying to kiss my cheeks.

  


Adam and I had Voice promos all week, so I wasn’t able to go to the foundation until next Monday late afternoon. But it was all good, as long as I did 20 hours a week, it didn’t matter what day I went. When I arrived, my first thought was to find Gwen and let her know that Maroon 5 was coming to her event.

 

I couldn’t find her, so I asked around and a group of students told me she was at the theater rehearsing for her part of the concert.

 

When I first got there, I thought the place was empty. It was completely in the dark, except for one light in the stage. I was about to turn and leave when I heard steps and soft notes being played on a guitar. It was Gwen, sitting on a chair in the middle of the stage, right under the light. Only her and a guitar. I stayed in the shadows, not revealing myself.

 

She started singing and man… I would never forget this moment.

 

I didn’t know the song. It was my first time hearing it. Also, this was my first time listening to her voice. She had tear stains on her cheeks, but she wasn’t crying no more.

 

_I’ve been wasting all this time_

_But I can’t let go_

_‘Cause it’s just the way I feel_

 

Her voice was so full of emotion that for a second I thought she knew I was there. But her head was down, looking at the guitar. I was feeling like in a movie, surreal and suspended as if the time had stopped. She was so effortlessly breathtaking, with her hair down framing her face, almost hiding it. She had a red lipstick on, but it was almost fading, along with the rest of the makeup. It was the end of the day and she probably had been here for the better part of it.

 

_Getting used to your mistakes_

_But I can’t let go_

_Do you ever think I’ll heal?_   
  
Someone only sings like that unless they wrote the lyrics, based on their lives. There was pain, there was love, there was sorrow, there was hope. My chest got tight, thinking about what kind of situation she had to go through to write something so painfully beautiful.

 

_And you could be right_

_And I could be wrong_

_Year after year always rewinding where we’ve gone_

 

Unconsciously, I started approaching the stage, still on the shadows, drawn into her like a moth to a flame. I knew very well I was about to get burned, but I kinda looked forward to the pain. I just couldn’t look away. Even sitting down and thinking that she was alone, Gwen had this stage presence, this compelling ability to get lost in the moment and drag you with it. It was phenomenal. It was my first time having all this time to stare at her and I just couldn’t stop.

 

_One more summer_

_One more weekend_

_I’m your lover_

_You’re my weakness_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh_

 

Suddenly, I wish it was me that she was singing about. I wanted to be the lover she wrote it for. Because, if it were about me, I could jump right there on the stage and say I was so damn sorry about causing all the pain on her. I could make it all go away. Then, it hit me. Adam was right. I _liked_ her, despite all my best efforts not to.

 

_In between the longest days_

_And the shortest nights_

_It always comes back to you and me_

_I could be right_

_And you could be wrong_

_I can’t believe it has it really been this long?_

 

There was no way around it. I was hooked on Gwen Stefani. A girl out of my reach. The only one I couldn’t have. It was just my luck that something like this would happen. Probably karma over all the hearts I mistreated. Someone on a bad relationship, but either way not available. I remembered her saying that _everyone has something worth saving_ and I wished so bad for her to be talking about me. I wanted her to save _me_ . To pick _me._ Because I would never, ever, let her go.

 

_I don’t think I can change_

_I can’t stay away_

_One more summer_

_One more summer_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh_

 

Slowly, the music stopped. She got up and left the stage, wiping away the last traces of tears on her face. She left the guitar on its holder, turned around and switched off the lights, leaving me in completely in the dark.

 

I had to use all my strength not to call her back to sing it again for me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, it was pretty obvious for a while now that he liked Gwen, but he just now was 'hit in the face' with this information, hahaha 
> 
> Do you guys think it was too abrupt? Considering his reaction when he heard she was engaged?


	6. I know you’re gonna be a star in somebody else’s sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is based on the song called Black by Pearl Jam, especially this part "I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star In somebody else's sky, But why, Why can't it be mine?"
> 
> Also, Jo and Bea, I mixed you two together to create a special guest today! I hope you guys like it!

“Shit… fuck! _Grrr!_ Stupid piece of garbage! Why this damn thing doesn’t wanna work now! It was working just fine like two sec..” I heard Gwen’s voice coming out from backstage, where I found her sitting across the floor trying to plug some wires into the main sound boxers. She was angry, her cheeks flustered. She was also sweating and she had been crying…. Again.

 

“Gwen? Are you okay?” I called, as a way of announcing myself, since she was alone and didn’t realize I was coming. But that didn’t stop her from jumping at the sound of my voice, hitting her head on the lights above her. “Shit, I’m sorry!”

 

“Blake! You scared me!” She exclaimed, putting her hand on top of the spot she had just hit on her head. “What are you doing here? I thought you shift had ended like an hour ago.” After her initial shock, she remembered that she had been crying and tried to hid her face from me. But I wasn’t having that. I approached her and helped her get up. I took the wire out of her hands and studied the panel she was trying to connect.

 

“Yeah, Jake wanted to show me this song he was working on. I noticed that you car was still here so I thought you could use some help. What’s going on with you lately?” I asked, without looking at her, plugging the wire to the right space. She turned up the volume and the stereos were brought to life. She smiled at me and turned it down again.

 

“You are rather interested on me giving that you love to make my life miserable.”

 

“I’m the one making the other miserable? Are you sure?” I looked at her, smiling ironically. “Because last time I checked I wasn’t making you clean bathrooms…” She laughed out loud.

 

“Thanks for fixing the sound, by the way. I didn’t know what I was doing.” We sat on the floor, both of our backs resting against the stage. The theater was starting to gain its first touches of decor for the gala. “Not much going on with me lately, I’ve been spending all my time here, getting everything done.”

 

“Also, you’ve been hiding.” She tried to disguise her surprise but I cut her off. “Don’t tell me I’m wrong. It’s the second time I’ve come down here and I caught you crying. What’s happening?”

 

“Second time?” She asked.

 

“Don’t change the subject. Talk to me.”

 

“You’re gonna tell me _again_ that I’m stupid.” She lowered her head, embarrassed.

 

“If you’re crying about that jackass, I’ll probably say that, yeah.”

 

“Have you ever been in love, Blake?” She snapped her head up to stare at me. I was caught off guard by the question.

 

“Not that I know of, no.”

 

“Then you haven’t, because when you are in love, _you know.”_ She sighed. “So you can’t possibly understand what is going through my life right now.”

 

“From everything I’ve heard about love… I know that it isn’t supposed to make you cry and doubt yourself. It’s supposed to be funny, easy, goofy even. I look at my mom and stepfather and I know that what they have is love. And I look at you and him and I also know that this isn’t.”

 

_Oh, would you look at me… Talking about love and not about ripping that moron’s beating heart out for making her cry… Mom would be proud._

 

“It used to be, at least. When we were both just kids trying to live off music. But then John killed himself, I started writing songs for Interscope, he joined Bush… He turned into this stranger and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

“You could… I don’t know… Set him rolling down some hill?” _I was only half kidding on this one._

 

“Shut up!” She didn’t take my suggestion seriously and laughed, pushing my arm. “I want a love like my parents, you know? When there were something wrong, they fixed it, instead of asking for a divorce. I was raised that way.”

 

“I think that’s.. An utopian notion of love.”

 

“You don’t think that’s achievable?”

 

“I think there has to be two willing people on a marriage for that to work. I think that, once you find the right guy, you won’t even have to worry about that, because he will be equally invested.”

 

She didn’t comment my hint. If she got it, she didn’t let it show.

 

“What about you, huh? This is a hell of an opportunity to wow some special lady… Maybe you could bring a date?” Gwen playfully elbowed my rib, smiling.

 

_Come again? She wanted me to bring someone?_

 

“Uhm… Yeah, maybe I will. Adam dates this chick called Behati, she is a Victoria’s Secret model… I’ll ask her to set me up with someone, then…” He smile faded. _Take that_ , sweetie.

 

“Model, huh? Is that the kind of women you like?” She asked without looking at me.

 

“It’s hard not to, I mean… I’m just a man.”

 

“Right, I forgot… Well, thanks for the help. I’m gonna check something at the back.” She stood up, shaking the dust from her clothing.

 

“Yeah, I’m gonna be on my way too. See you, Gwen.”

 

I had barely made my way out of the theater when I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

 

 

> _B, help your friend out. I need a date for the gala tomorrow. -BS_

 

She answered right away.

 

 

> _What am I? Your pimp?_

 

I laughed. Of course she was going to answer that.

 

 

> _No, you’re the most awesome and gorgeous friend ever.. Pretty please? -BS_

 

 

> _Fine, you idiot. I’ll see._

 

 

> _I love you! -BS_

 

 

> _Don’t tell Adam that. Xoxo_

  


\--------------------

 

Fun fact about me: I _fucking hate_ ties. They strangle me. If you see me using a tie to your formal event is a sign that you really, _really_ mean something to me, and also means that I wanna kill you. So there I was, adjusting that shit for the 11th time on the five minutes we were there at the hall. Adam, Behati and the other guys from Maroon 5 were there with me, along with my date, this brazilian model with legs for miles called Beatriz. She was simply traffic-stopping stunning, with a red ruffled dress with a deep, deep cleavage. Her hair was platinum blond and down in waves. She looked like an Old Hollywood actress.

 

“Let me help you with this tie. I think it’s too tight.” She said, batting her eyelashes for me, smoothing my dark-gray suit and reaching for the tie.

 

“Ugh, thanks. This is killing me already.” She let out a low chuckle.

 

 _“He's a good time cowboy Casanova….”_ I heard a all-too familiar voice singing this verse in a country beat and my head snapped towards the sound.

 

Gwen had arrived.

 

For some absurd reason, I forgot the fact that she was going to be dressed for the occasion too. Fuck, I should have been more prepared for this moment. I should have seen it coming. Because, from the second that I laid my eyes on her, the world around us suddenly shifted out of focus.

 

Her hair was in a high braided bun, tightly secured on the top of her head. She was wearing a bright red lip, but the rest of the makeup was rather discrete. My eyes travelled down and _fuck_ , I shouldn’t have done that. She had this black sequin long dress on, hugging her body in all the right places.

 

There’s no way I was going to survive that night. And she knew she was dressed to kill, because she smiled at my reaction. _Fucking devil._

 

“Uhm, what?” Beatriz asked her, not understanding why she sang that verse.

 

“Never heard this song before? Cowboy Casanova, by Carrie Underwood?”

 

Beatriz nodded her head no. “I don’t really like country.” _Said the girl on a date with me._

 

Gwen giggled a little bit, approaching us. “Well, the song goes… _He's the devil in disguise /_ _A snake with blue eyes / And he only comes out at night…._ Reminds me of a certain someone, you know?” She said the last part looking at me.

 

“Did you know that song already or did you googled ‘cowboy songs’ just to make fun of me?” The fact that she knew a country song, regardless of how she found it, make funny things with my gut.

 

“Part of the fun is not knowing, right?” And then she winked. _Winked._ After that, she noticed that Adam’s band was there too went to say hello and introduce herself to them.

 

My friend instantly loved Gwen, which it wasn’t hard to figure out since they were pretty much the same person. Five minutes talking and they already were thinking about writing a song together.

 

The mood of the room suddenly changed and it didn’t take me long enough to realize why:Gavin was approaching us, talking on the phone. He quickly nodded at us, as if we weren’t worthy of his time, and put a hand on Gwen’s back, leading her inside the theater. She threw an apologetic wave at us and went with him.

 

It was indeed a star-studded event, with lots and lots of celebrities flowing around. I scanned the room and saw Gwen and Gavin talking to Bono Vox. Bono! Shit, I had no idea she knew this many legends.

 

And now I was set to perform for them. Fuck.

 

She sat at a table right in front of mine, meaning that I had front row view to her and her stupid fiancé. Every now and them our gaze met and she would turn the other way, slight embarrassed. I tried paying attention to my date, but she couldn’t possibly compare… The one I wanted was too far from reach.

 

Maroon 5 performed first, lighting the place on fire with their set. Everyone got out of their chairs and danced to Adam’s voice. I had to admit that they did an awesome job, and it came with a bonus: Gwen shaking and dancing right in front of me.

 

And I could swear she was enjoying being watched.

 

She followed with just three songs, one of them with a rapper I didn’t know called Eve. It was so funny seeing all this people in suits and fancy gowns dancing to a hip hop track. I guess that was Gwen’s magic. Even herself, all dressed up, dancing along with Eve was a sight to see. I took a deep breath and tried to interact more with Beatriz to forget about the beauty on stage.

 

Soon, it was my turn. “Alright, I know y’all are a bit country on the inside. Time to dance!” I belted on the mic, making everyone laugh. “C’mon!” My band got ready and I started with All About Tonight. I loved setting the mood way up high right at first.

 

I did a performance of a lifetime, and even who wasn’t much of a country person ended up dancing with me. I followed with Sangria, a sexier song, Boys ‘Round Here and Ol’ Red, which everyone went crazy for.

 

My set was supposed to end with Honey Bee, but I took one look at Gwen, who’s eyes were sparkling at me, and changed my mind. I had written this new song just last week and decided it was time to show it to the world.

 

“Change of plans, boys. I’m gonna do this last one alone. It’s a new song.” I told my band and they nodded, leaving the stage. Then I turned around to the audience, pushing a stool to sit right in the center, under the bright lights. I positioned the mic stand and my guitar in front of me.

 

“So, recently I decided to write more songs of my own,” I began, talking to the crowd. “I wrote this one, but I’m not sure if it’s good or not. Would you guys help me decide?” I had them on the palm of my hand, so everyone clapped and cheered. When I hit the first chords, the room went silent.

 

_Those high heels with that sun dress_

_Turquoise heart hanging 'round your neck_

_Red lips like wine, wanna drink 'em up_

_And keep on drinkin' 'til you make me drunk_

 

_Tied up here, wanna let it down_

_And just let the rest fall to the ground_

_You take beautiful to the max_

_Can't help myself when you look like that_

 

_Come a little closer, come a little closer_

_Come a little closer, girl the way you look tonight_

_My eyes are the only thing I don't wanna take off of you_

 

_There's a million stars dancing in the sky_

_A picture perfect moon so bright_

_But I don't care, I'm looking at you_

_From where I stand you can beat the view_

 

_Come a little closer, come a little closer_

_Come a little closer, girl the way you look tonight_

_My eyes are the only thing I don't wanna take off of you_

 

_Come a little closer, come a little closer_

_Come a little closer, love the way you look tonight_

_My eyes are the only thing I don't wanna take off of you_

 

_My eyes have seen_

_Some amazing things_

_But girl, my eyes ain't seen_

_Nothing quite like you, hey baby_

 

_Come a little closer, come a little closer_

_Come a little closer, girl the way you look tonight_

_My eyes are the only thing I don't wanna take off of you_

 

From the corner of my eye, I could see couples slow dancing to the music across the room. Others were just holding hands or simply paying attention to the lyrics. But I didn’t care about them. I had only eyes for Gwen. I sang the entire song looking at her, and it was so obvious that she was as hooked as I was that even Gavin was uncomfortable.

 

And you know what assholes do when they are uncomfortable? They get violent.

 

Shortly before the music ended, he said something to her, practically spitting the words, and stormed off the ballroom. She excused herself from the table and went after him, but lost him in the crowd.

 

I said goodbye and thanked the audience, reciting the same speech others before me made: how important their contribution was, how crucial was John’s Garden’s work, all that stuff. I waved at them and went to the dressing room get rid of the mic and the wires so I could join my friends again, maybe find Gwen too.

 

Gavin’s band was next, so that’s where he went. He was done with his set even before I reached my table, obviously trying to get rid of the obligation. After they finished their part of the concert, a marshal went up the stage and invited all workers and volunteers to the dance room. I had forgotten I was supposed to go too and only realized it when I felt Gwen’s eyes burning a hole at my face.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen here tonight, these are the people that make John’s Garden happen.” The master of ceremonies announced. “They work hard not because they are paid to do it, but because they want to make a difference in our patients’ lives. Let’s give them a round of applause!” Everyone around us clapped their hands at us and we bowed, thanking them. “Now, let’s appreciate their traditional Waltz of Gratitude!”

 

All the volunteers started forming pairs and I had no idea what was happening. I looked at Gwen and she was watching the stage, looking for Gavin. The asshole forgot he was supposed to dance, so I wouldn’t miss my chance. If I had to waltz, I would make every second count.

 

“May I have this dance, my lady?” I made a flourish to Gwen, extending my hand at her. She giggled, shaking her head. She looked one more time to the stage, but still no sign of Gavin, so  accepted my invitation.

 

“It would be my pleasure.” She bowed at me, holding her dress at the sides, and took my hand. We positioned ourselves and the music soon started. “I didn’t know you could waltz… What a nice surprise coming from you.”

 

“Oklahoma born and raised, remember? We learn this stuff in the womb.” She chuckled, resting her forehead on my chest, and I took a deep breath. I enjoyed the opportunity to hold her at her back a little bit lower than etiquette commanded, just where her dress had a cut, meaning I was touching her bare skin. She snapped her eyes at me, feeling the same electricity I was feeling, and I simply smiled, not moving my hand at all.

 

“Your new song is amazing. I really liked it.”

 

“Thanks, I sang it for you.”

 

She widened her eyes, clearly not expecting me to be so honest about it. We were dancing so slow that probably were off beat, but I didn’t care. She opened her mouth, about to say something, but a movement caught her attention. I turned my head around and saw Gavin, with smoke coming out of his ears.

 

He shot one last deadly look at us and got out of the room. This time, Gwen followed him outside, leaving me alone on the dancefloor.

 

I told myself to stay out of this. I even looked at my table, where my date and my friends were all looking at me. But I just couldn’t. I was afraid that Gavin might do something against her. So I threw caution to the wind and went after them.

 

It took me sometime to find them, but when I finally did, Gavin was screaming at her and Gwen was curved on herself, crying her eyes out. I shouted at him and he flipped me off, marching away. I was seeing red. I wanted to go after him and beat the crap out of that stupid face, but Gwen needed me the most. He would meet my fists another time.

 

I didn’t say a word, I just pulled her to a tight hug. She cried until my shirt was soaking wet, but I didn’t mind.

 

“Why do you keep doing this, darlin’... Why are you diming your shine just to be with someone that clearly doesn’t respect you?” I said, almost in a whisper, rubbing her back to comfort her. “You should be with someone that gives you the same amount of love you give them.”

 

“No! I’m not a quitter! I can do this!” She detached herself from me, wiping her tears away.

 

“You’re not giving up, Gwen! Jesus… Quit being so stubborn! You’re wasting your time with this loser when you could be with someone that really cares about you!” I shouted, exasperated.

 

She widened her eyes. “Who are you talking about?”

 

“You can’t possibly be this blind! Of course I’m talking about me, damn it!” I ran my fingers through my hair, angry, frustrated, terrified. “Can’t you see that I’ve been following you like a lost puppy all this time? Even when I hated you, I didn’t really hate you!”

 

I thought she was going to like my admission, but I still hadn’t learned that Gwen does absolutely nothing that was expected from her. Instead of melting, she got mad.

 

“No, you’re not doing this! You have no right to march into my life and mess with my head like that! I won’t let you get inside my heart like this!”

 

“Your heart?” I snapped my head at her. “Do you _like_ me?”

 

“You’re just a player! I’m not gonna throw everything out the window to be just another name on your list!” She screamed, covering her stomach with her amrs. “I won’t let this happen!”

 

“Are you saying this to me… or to yourself?” She looked at me, biting her lip. I approached her, cupping her jaw, staring deep into her eyes. “Don’t fight this… I know you feel it too. I’m a player because I’ve never found someone worth sticking around for. Not once a girl fired back my witty comments and with you I never get the upper hand.” She smiled a bit, proud of herself. I grinned even bigger.

 

“It’s easy to mock your stupid face.” She answered in a low, shy voice, smiling shyly.

 

“See? What did I tell you about love? It’s supposed to be easy, fun.. With me you’ll never need to worry about being the one that loves the most. I may drive you crazy, but it’s the good kind of crazy.”

 

I could tell she was torn. She was balancing on her feet, with her hands over my arms, holding my gaze with those crystal clear chocolate eyes.

 

"I never did this in my life, Gwen. I never asked to be with someone. I never, _ever_ asked for a chance. I'm telling you, you're the one for me. I don't need anything else. Let me show you that."

 

"This is insane, I don't even know you all that well, I made a commitment to Gavin..."

 

“Be with me, Gwen. Tell this fucker he can go screw himself. Give me a chance of proving that I can treat you right, baby girl… C’mon. Say you agree.” I touched her forehead with mine, and we were breathing the same air. She closed her eyes, biting her lip again. I wanted to kiss her so bad, to make her see how crazy I was about her. I fondled her cheek in a touch so gentle, hoping that it could show her that I was nothing like Gavin.

 

But when she opened them and backed away her head, I didn’t see the expression I was hoping for.

 

“You have someone waiting for you… And I need to find Gavin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG What will happen now? What do you guys think?


	7. I wanna come near and give you every part of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read the entire chapter before grabbing your sticks and stones to witch-hunt Blake, okay? ahahaahahah

“What do you say we get out of here?” I whispered to Beatriz as soon as I went back inside the ballroom and gently put my hand on her lower back. She shivered a little bit hearing my deep voice and immediately agreed.

 

I poured my heart out to Gwen, something I had _never_ done. Her answer? _I need to find the son of a bitch I call fiancé._

 

Great.

 

I did my part, I told everything I was feeling. I begged. Blake Shelton _begged_ for a chance and she still sided with the fucker. I laid my heart on the line for her and she didn't take it. She doesn’t want me? _Fine._ I’m gonna give it all away to the next one.

 

I’m gonna do what a guy like me does best. I’m gonna drink my way into oblivion and forget this shit of a night ever happened.

 

We drank and turned the music up real high, without giving a fuck if it was already 2am. Beatriz could hold her liquor, which I was impressed by, but she still wasn’t a match for me. I drank twice as many glasses than her.. The more we had, the more flirty she got, and I wasn’t about to waste an opportunity just because some girl stepped over my ego. So I went for it.

 

I carried Beatriz to my bedroom upstairs in my lap, kissing her neck and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. She scraped her nails on my scalp and said something I didn’t understand in Portuguese, but by judging at the way she threw her head back in pleasure, it was something good.

 

I tossed her at the bad, kinda abruptly, but in a way she liked, and went over her, slowly pulling her dress up. I began kissing the soft skin of her thighs and she moaned, clearly enjoying the treatment. When I reached for her hips, she pulled me by my hair and I grunted. This girl liked it rough.

 

“Oh yeah, pull my hair just the way I like it, Gwen....”

 

She stopped dead on the tracks and I realized my mistake.

 

_Oh. Fuck._

 

“What did you call me?”

 

“Shit, I’m sorry!”

 

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you call me by another girl’s name! You pig!”

 

She pushed me off of her and I landed on my back on the floor. She flew back downstairs with her phone and her shoes in hand, slamming the door behind her. And now my night was ruined.

 

_Again._

 

_By Gwen._

 

What the hell was wrong with me?

 

Gwen does NOT want me, you stupid brain. I said clear as day that I wanted her, that I wanted a chance, and she turned her freaking back at me. Why are you calling her name? And most importantly, why this girl keeps sneaking into my goddamn life? I can’t even have an one night stand without her ruining everything?

 

Well, since there’s nothing left to do, better go to bed and let her ruin my dreams once again.

  
  
  


_“Wake up, you moron!”_ I heard a smash on my bedroom door, which woke me up. I reached for my phone and looked at the time: 6:45am. Who the hell was in my house at this ungodly hour? _“Wake up right now, stupid sasquatch!”_ I heard Adam’s angry voice followed with another urgent knock on my door and grunted in response. I could not believe this.

 

I got out of the bed and opened the damn door, almost getting hit in the chest in the process, because he was about to knock again. He marched inside and turned around to face me.

 

“Care to explain why there’s a girl that cannot stop crying over to Behati’s house? Where I was supposed to be, with my girlfriend?” He put his hands on his hips, with a look on his face capable of murdering me. “Now Behati is pissed at you for hurting her friend, and pissed at _me_ because I’m the stupid one that introduced you to her!”

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, okay? It wasn’t like I _wanted_ to call her Gwen, it just slipped…”

 

“You _WHAT_?” Adam screamed, cutting me off.

 

“Man, I’m so hungover is not even funny… stop yelling.” I asked, putting my hands on my forehead. I sat at the edge of the bed, going past him, and he sat next to me.

 

“Talk to me, man. What the hell happened? You and Beatriz flew out of the party and I thought she was definitely spend the night… Next thing I know she shows up at Bee’s and both of them lock me out ot the bedroom cursing at me.”

 

“Before that, I… I followed Gwen outside, she was having a fight with her fiancé. I may have told her that I wanted her… Practically told her I loved her and she should pick me. But she didn’t. She chose the motherfucker that was screaming at her.”

 

Adam looked at me as if I had three heads. “Blake… are you on drugs? What the hell are you doing, man?”

 

“What?”

 

“You can’t possibly be serious!” He shouted, standing up. I flinched at the volume of his voice. “You come after an _engaged_ girl and tell her you want her… You, a certified manwhore… She needs at least sometime to think... sometime to, you know, break up with the guy she’s currently with… And then the very next thing you do is to go home with _another_ girl?”

 

“I just reacted, okay?” I stood up too, getting a little dizzy from jumping up too fast. “I’ve never done this, I’ve never declared myself to a girl! The first time I decide to ask for a chance she completely crushes me, what was I supposed to do? I went back to familiar territory! I did what I always do!”

 

This time, Adam did not yell at me. Instead, he just stared at me, deciding if he should slap me or give up trying to put some sense into my head. “Man…. let me ask you something. Have you ever been with a quality girl like Gwen?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you think you’ll _ever_ be if you keep doing the same thing that leads you to bimbos?” I didn’t know how to answer that. “She will never give you a chance if at the first sign of rejection you run to alcohol and other women.”

 

I didn’t reply right away. I let that sink in, knowing that, deep down, Adam was right. My life was a mess and Gwen would never jump on this. “God, people really do this on purpose? Because I’ve been in love for five minutes and already hate it.”

 

Adam practically howled with laughter. “Oh, my poor innocent friend…”

 

“Shut up! And go away, I need to sleep.”

  


Needless to say that my mood was terrible when I showed up on the foundation to work. My plan was to lay low, avoid everyone, especially a little blonde, but apparently God wasn’t done mocking me. She was waiting for me at the front gate.

 

I took a deep breath and cursed silently, hoping that by any chance she would let me go without speaking to me. Of course that wasn’t gonna happen.

 

“Hey, Blake… Can we talk?” She took a step forward when I got closer to the gate, practically blocking my way. I stopped walking and looked away, trying to hold my shit together. She smiled shyly, almost afraid to do so, her eyes scanning me.

 

“Look, Gwen… I get it, alright? He’s your guy, I shouldn’t have said anything, and believe me when I say that I’ve learned my lesson. This thing isn’t for me anyways. Just let me serve my time and I’ll be out of your hair in a heartbeat.”

 

“No, that’s not it, I need to…”

 

“You don’t need to say anything, really. I’ll get over it eventually. There’s no need to apologize or anything. Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?”

 

“Oh…” She looked hurt. “You take it back? You regret saying those things to me?”

 

“I mean…. I fucked up everything, didn’t I? You said yourself, I have no right to just come in and mess with your life. So yeah, I’d say to bury this and move on.”

 

In a split second, I saw a bunch of emotions taking place in her face. First, there was surprise. Second, pain. Third, anger. What the hell was she angry for?

 

“God, I’m such an idiot!” She exploded, pushing my chest. I took a step back, more because of the surprise than for the force she used, since she was a tiny little thing. “I cannot believe you’re saying this, and most of all I cannot believe I was that stupid to fall for that speech!”

 

She said a handful of swear words, something I’ve never thought I’d see come out of her mouth, screamed again and turned her back at me, marching away. I must look like a fool right now, because I wasn’t understanding jack shit.

 

I shook my head and went inside, heading to music room for the first class of the day. But I wasn’t alone for long, because Jen walked in front of the door and when she saw I was there, she came back.

 

“Hey! Did Gwen find you already?” She asked, with a big smile on her face.

 

“Oh fuck, did she tell you too? Can we please let this embarrassing moment go?”

 

She tilted her head to the side. “What are you talking about?”

 

Then I realized maybe she wasn’t talking about my confession. “What are _you_ talking about?”

 

“Oh, you don’t know yet! Gwen broke off her engagement with Gavin last night, after the party. She’s been staying at my house.”

 

Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._ She was trying to tell me and I didn’t let her.

 

“Oh no. I need to find her!”

 

I flew out of the room, leaving Jen behind, probably thinking I was a nut case. I ran through all the rooms. But ultimately found Gwen at the garden, sitting on a bench and wiping tears from her face.

 

 _Shit._ God, please don’t let me screw up this.

 

I sat next to her, rotating my torso to face her. She kept looking straight ahead.

 

“God, Gwen… I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Of course I don’t take it back, I just thought…”

 

“I’m such an idiot..” She repeated on a low voice. “Everyone kept telling me he was screwing around, but I never let myself believe in that. But after last night, I... I went home and confronted Gavin, about the cheating and whatever… He said I was a hypocrite because I was obviously hitting on you all night long… I replied it wasn’t even close to be the same thing. Then, he…” She stopped and swallowed, looking at her hands. “He slapped me. And I thought _‘This is never going to change. If I marry him, this will be my life forever’._ So I packed what I could, left the ring on the counter and went to Todd and Jen’s.”

 

I never wanted to kill anyone with my bare hands more than I wanted now. But she had tears in her eyes and my explosion would make things even worse. 

 

“And why are you an idiot? Seems like the smartest decision you ever made.”

 

“I’m an idiot because… because I believed you. On the thing you said to me. That you were different.”

 

“I am! But was hurt because I thought we had turned me down.”

 

“I just went home to break up with him. I’m not a cheater.”

 

“I know that.”

 

She buried her face in her hands. “Oh God, did I make the right decision?”

 

“Gwen, c’mon. You can’t _possibly_ be having second thoughts about kicking that asshole to the curb.”

 

She chuckled. “I felt kinda good… But that means I have no plans for now. Everything I had was around the life I had planned with him.”

 

“Can’t you see how great this is? Now you’re free to do whatever the hell you want.”

 

She nodded and finally looked at me. “You really regret saying those things to me?”

 

“I’m gonna be honest. I wish I did. I wish you hadn't crawled your way under my skin, because let’s be real, I don’t deserve you. I tried forgetting you last night. I went home with Beatriz and made a ridiculous amount of effort to make it seem like it didn’t bother me that much. I mean, I thought you went home to be with your fiancé, I thought I had no chance, that’s why I did it. But I ended up calling her Gwen. She got pissed and called me a pig.”

 

She laughed, surprised. “Did you really call her Gwen?”

 

“Boy, I wish I was joking.” She laughed even more. “The fact that I went home with her doesn’t mean I wasn’t honest with you yesterday. I still feel that way about you. But I thought you had turned me down. I would never do anything with her if I had known you were about to break up with that guy.”

 

“I’m glad you told me that. Thank you.”

 

“I may be a player, like you said… But I’m not a liar, Gwen. Everyone knows from the start what they are getting themselves into. Including you. If I say I’m gonna treat you right, that’s because I’ll go to the grave trying to stand by my word.”

 

“That’s so refreshing…" She pointed, looking down and swinging her feet while sitting at the bench. "All I know are lies and disguises....”

 

I stared at her. She was wearing make up today, to hide the bruise, but a shadow of a red print was visible when I looked closer. The fact that she may be in pain because of that motherfucker made my blood boil on my veins. I wanted to hunt his ass down and enjoy the life being taken away of him.

 

With all the care in the world, I placed a feather of a touch on her cheek, on top of the bruise. I tried being the most gentle I could be because it could be sore, but she didn’t flinch. Instead, she closed her eyes and leaned her head into my hand.

 

“I hope he knows he’s gonna pay for that.” I whispered.

 

Her eyes shot open, and she looked scared. “You’re not gonna do anything.”

 

“If he wants a fight, he better pick someone his size.”

 

“Blake, no. Promise me you’re not gonna go after him!” She pleaded, holding my hand.

 

“I can’t promise you that.” I retrieved my hand and stood up, taking a walk around the perimeter. “Just to think about it… It makes me want to rip his heart out of his chest.”

 

“Blake.” She called me, standing up as well and I turned around. Out of nowhere, she hugs my midriff, resting her face on my chest. I was shocked at first, my one second later I put my arms across her back, holding her too. I went even bolder and kissed the top of her head, lingering to breathe her scent. “Thank you.” She said in a whisper so low I almost didn’t hear, then she looked up to face me. “I’m gonna need some time to figure things out, but….”

 

“Hey… I’m not expecting you to jump into my arms right away.. Even though you did just that.” She giggled a little, hiding her face again in my shirt. “I’ll be here. It’s good, you know? I need to practice my patience.”

 

She laughed out loud, throwing her head back and almost crying with laughter. “Oh no… this won’t be pretty.”

 

I was about to say something when Todd came running in towards us. We split apart, both confused on why he was white as a piece of paper.

 

“Gwen, you need to come quick.” He stopped to catch his breath. “Thomas, one of your students, is on the top of the building he lives in threatening to throw himself… and he will only talk to you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gwen is finally FREEEEE! Can I get a Hallelujah? ahaahah


	8. Pain don't hurt the same, the lane I travel feels alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys. Remember when I told y'all this fic was incredibly personal to me? This chapter is one of the reasons. I almost didn't put it in here, because man, it was tough to write. Their scene (I think you'll recognize once you read) was almost entirely based on a real life moment that happened to me. (Me being Blake, of course haha) But ultimately, it's really important to the story and to Blake's character development, so I chose to go forward and write it anyway. 
> 
> I have bittersweet memories related to this fight, so I appreciate whatever feedback you guys want to give me!

Thomas lived not too far away, just 10 minutes by car. When we got there, we could see dozens of people crowded on the sidewalk, waiting for the worst. Way up high, it was a boy, sitting at the edge of the building, juggling his feet and looking down.

 

Gwen wasted no time going up, and of course I went with her. Along with Todd, we embarked on one of the most tense elevator rides I’ve ever seen. But, surprisingly, Gwen wasn’t afraid. She was firm. We got out of the elevator and climbed the last set of stairs that led to the rooftop, with her already opening the door and launching herself forward to meet Thomas. I grabbed her by the waist and she looked at me with fire in her eyes. 

 

“What are you doing? Let me go, I need to talk to Tommy!”

 

“Are you crazy? Talk from here! You’re gonna fall!”

 

“Blake, let me go,  _ right now!” _

 

“Gwen, are you here?” Thomas called, turning around to see us. “I only asked for you, who are these people?” His voice was shaken and insecure. For the first time, I noticed him. He didn’t look older than 15. 

 

“Hey Tommy, I’m here.” She forced herself out of my arms and without so much as a look back, took careful steps in his direction. “They came with me but they are gonna wait by the door, okay? It’s just you and me here.”

 

He nodded and she made a gesture with her head for us to get lost. I thought about staying, but she pleaded me with her eyes and I went with Todd, my gut already twisting with fear. We stayed by the door we came in, our eyes glued on them. 

 

She walked all the way to the edge of the building, where he was sitting, and sat there with him as if she was sitting in some bench and not on a top of a freaking building, with her feet swinging in the air too. If that didn’t give me an heart attack, nothing will do. I launched my body forward without thinking, the only thing in my mind being reach her and hold her safe. But Todd stopped me. 

 

“Let her do her thing, Blake. It’s not her first time. Trust her.” He whispered

 

“It’s not her first time? Who the fuck are you people?” I was so scared that it turned to anger. How could her own brother let her stay on the verge of falling? He didn’t answer, just nodded at her direction for me to shut up and listen to their conversation. 

 

“So… Why did you call me, Tommy? Why are we here?” She asked, her voice careful, but steady.

 

“I’m just… I’m lost, Gwen… Everyone at school is so mean and my parents fight all the time.” He cried, burying his face on his hands. “I told them I was gay and they lost it... They want to send me to live with my grandparents in Canada. I fucking hate the cold. Everything I know is here and I feel like a failure to them.. I wish I could change who I am.. If I could be  _ not gay,  _ they would love me.”

 

“First of all, your parents love you as you are. You wouldn’t be going to John’s Garden if they didn’t bring you every week, right? You are their only kid. The pain of losing you would be unbearable for them.” 

 

“How do you know I’m the only child?” 

 

“Well, you told me once you wanted brothers and sisters because you felt alone, remember?” 

 

“Yeah, I do.. I just never thought you did. You have so much going on.” He looked at her in awe, surprised that she recalled their talk. 

 

“Don’t be silly, I remember a bunch of things. My memory is awesome.” She winked and laughed a little and he opened a smile. It was a good sign, right?

 

“I just don’t see the point... If they love me, why they want to send me to Canada?”

 

“They are just scared, T. They had this image on their head for you and you don’t fit in that. It will take some time, but I’m sure they’ll come around. And who knows, maybe going to Canada isn’t so bad… The coffee there is amazing!”

 

“You really think they love me?” He asked, wiping away his tears. 

 

“They are down there right now with their hearts on their mouths, scared out of their minds thinking that you wanna end your life.” She pointed down and he followed with his eyes. “Of course they love you. And even if they didn’t, I do. And I would be completely devastated if you did this. I would feel like I failed you.” She put her hand in her heart, closing her eyes. When she opened again, they were watery and red. 

 

The wind was stronger now and Gwen was a tiny thing. I was terrified that the blow could throw her off balance. I had one feet in front of me, my whole body prepared to run at the first sign things could go wrong.

 

“Never!” He assured her, reaching for her with his arm. “You are the only one I can call a friend.” 

 

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “You promise to text me every day while you’re in Canada? And as soon as you come back, you’ll visit me?” 

 

“Do you really want me to text you?”

 

“Of course I do! I wanna hear everything, all the new friends you’re gonna make, the new school…”

 

“Ok then. I promise.”

 

She smiled and he mirrored her expression. Gwen opened her arms. “Give me a hug, come here.” 

 

Thomas hugged her tight, crying again, and she made a motion for us to come take them out of there. Both me and Todd ran to them, pulling them to safety again., all four of us falling on the ground of the rooftop. In a blink of an eye, the place was swamped with his family and paramedics, just checking if everyone was okay. She stayed talking to his parents for a bit, explaining the situation, and gave one last hug on Thomas before we went back to John’s Garden. 

 

The car ride back to the foundation was even tenser than the elevator ride. I was so mad with the whole situation, with her for being so careless with her own life, with Todd for just let her go there… Even with stupid Thomas for calling her. They all could go to hell. Why was I stuck in the middle of this mess?

 

She could sense I was infuriated, because the second we arrived, she grabbed my hand and took me to the garden, where we could talk in private. 

 

“Go ahead, blast at me.” Was all she said, looking straight into my eyes.

 

“How can you go up there and stand at the edge along with him? You could have died, Gwen!” I was out of my mind with anger and fear. I could have lost her without never even having her. “You could have fallen from that all because a boy that didn’t want to live!”

 

She took a deep breath, looking at me as if I just said I hated puppies. Instead of yelling at me, she just waited for me to calm down. So I put my hands on my hip and waited too. 

 

“Blake, you know how easy it is to kill yourself? We are surrounded by knives in our kitchens, there’s billions of poisons in nature, pills sold in drugstores…. You can even get inside a car and smash it against some wall.” Her voice was firm and steady, probably because she knew these facts first hand. “John, my friend that committed suicide, was happy was anyone could be. We were together rehearsing with our band just two days earlier. On Christmas morning, out of nowhere, he pulls a gun and shoots himself in the head.”

 

She didn’t look away from my eyes once. This was really important for her. So I just listened. 

 

“John wanted to die. He didn’t tell anyone, he was smiling and making jokes with all his friends... For us, outsiders, there was absolutely nothing wrong. We didn’t even know he had a gun. How twisted is that? He was one of my dearest friends and when he died I felt like I didn’t know that person.” For the first time, she looked down, at her hands, holding back the tears in her eyes.

 

“Even if you wanna jump off a building, you don’t need me. That boy, Thomas, didn’t want to die. He took an extreme measure because he felt lonely and wanted to be reminded that his life is good, that he is wanted. That somehow someone would miss him if he was gone.”

 

“But you didn’t have to risk your life in the process, Gwen! My God, one strong blow of the wind and we would have to pick your pieces of from the floor!”

 

“Of course I had to risk my life! Can’t you see?” She was mad now, exasperated, as if she was trying to explain something very basic to a child. “Thomas needed to see that someone was so afraid of losing him that was willing to stand at that edge with him!” She was pacing around now, her emotions flowing between being overwhelmed and frustrated. “I am  _ nothing,  _ we are  _ nothing _ ! Our lives are only as meaningful as the amount of impressions we left on others. What good would I be if I just stood there, weighing pros and cons while all I needed to do was reaching out to him and offering a hand?” 

 

We were breathing hard now, both of us flustered with anger from the fight. But she wasn’t done with me.

 

“I will do this, I will risk my neck everyday for the rest of my life, if it means that I will save someone! How can you be so selfish?” She screamed at me. “How dare you ask me to not do this and just let Thomas die! I would never,  _ ever,  _ forgive myself knowing that someone died because I was scared for my own life. I don’t give a  _ fuck  _ about my life, Blake!”

 

“So you rather see  _ your family  _ and loved ones crying over your coffin than a stranger’s family?” I asked, unable to believe the conversation I was having right now.

 

“Yes!” She answered without hesitation and my jaw went to the floor. “Because they will know that I died doing what I came here to do.” She stopped again, trying to recompose herself. “You know that we are born with a mission, right? Some of us don’t know exactly what it is, but everyone has a different purpose. I know mine. It’s this. It took me losing a loved one to realize I never wanted anyone feeling like they could have done something and they just missed their chance. Do you know how many lives we could save by simply saying 'hello' or 'you look beautiful today' to someone? I  _never_ want to feel like I didn't give them my all. Even if I don’t know their families, I’m still gonna be there for  _ them.” _

 

“You’re unbelievable!” I shook my head, but in reality I was torn between shaking her by the shoulders and hug the hell outta her. I was still afraid to lose her like that. 

 

“And you are a spoiled brat!” She shot at my direction. “The world is bigger than your belly button, Blake! Do something that is gonna benefit others for once in your life.  _ Grow up!”  _

 

_ Wow.  _

 

The old Blake would have been pissed at that. He would curse and tell her to go fuck herself. But this Blake, this one that was so in love with her to the point of being angry of her for risking her own neck, received that figurative slap in the face with silence. She was right. I was man enough to admit that I was still a child. Ironic, right? I didn’t mind hearing this from anyone, because let’s face it, it was the truth. But, somehow, seeing that  _ her  _ felt this way about me hurt me deep. 

 

And woke me up.

 

Instead of firing back, I just went to her and pulled her to my arms, hugging her tight. She was stiff at first, not really sure why my reaction was that one, but then she gave in and hugged me back.

 

“I was so scared seeing you there….” I whispered.

 

“I know.”

 

“I thought I was going to lose you.”

 

“You won’t.”

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“Neither do you.”

 

I never wanted to let go. I wanted to cut open my own body and keep her safe there. I wanted to put her on a shelf to make sure she wasn’t in danger. But I realized Gwen would hate being seen as a doll, as something fragile, especially now that she was finally out of an abusive relationship. She was too strong-minded for that. My challenge would be respecting that free spirit. 

 

But I was quickly realizing that there’s not much I wouldn’t do for this girl. 

 

“I’m sorry for being selfish.”

 

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

 

I backed away my head to look at her. “I guess I’ll have to learn how to deal with it?”

 

She smiled shyly. “Probably, yeah.”

 

She gazed at me with those strong chocolate eyes, so fierce and, at the same time, so soft. She was a beautiful paradox of bold and sweet, humble and edgy… Perfectly designed to drive me insane. She wasn’t nothing like everything I knew and was used to. She came like a hurricane into my life, destroying all my formed opinions and showing me that life was so much more than parties and fun.

 

Getting lost on those eyes, all I could think was that God couldn’t make a better reason to make me want to change my ways. 


	9. I wanna see the sunrise on your sins just me and you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful people! I'm sorry it took me a while to write this and some of you will even say that it's not very good (which is true). I've been sick + with family + some issues, so this is not my usually all time high chapter. It's a bit rocky, so please forgive me and try to overlook potential mistakes and plot holes ahaha
> 
> I spent a week away from the fics so it will take me some days to get back on the inspiration train. I appreciate whatever feedback you guys give me! 
> 
> Love, Lola.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod, _ ohmygod!”  _ Gwen bursted inside my classroom right after the last kid made his way out. “Blake, OH MY GOD!” She was jumping up and down so much that she was already out of breath and apparently all she could say was  _ oh my God. _

 

“Hi, first of all.” I said, already smiling because of her happiness. She got closer and I secured a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. “Second, what’s got you so cheerful?”

 

She reached for my hands, her smile as big as a football field. “You will  _ never  _ believe who is coming today to make us a huge donation. I still can’t believe it and I just spent 30 minutes with her on the phone!”

 

“Humm… let me see… Dolly Parton?”

 

“Who?” She looked at me, puzzled.

 

“Faith Hill?”

 

“Again, who?” Her expression would be the same if I was speaking fluent alien.

 

“I’m just messing with you.” I confessed and she smiled, showing me the tongue in a childish move. “Who’s gonna be?”

 

“It’s Rihanna!” She practically screamed, squeezing my hands. “Can you believe it?” 

 

“Sorry, you lost me. Who is she?”

 

“Are you messing with me again?” She squinted her eyes, trying to read me. 

 

“No, I swear. I have no idea who she is.”

 

“Have you been living under a rock?”

 

“No ma’am, just listening to a lot of country radio.”

 

“There are other stations, you know?”

 

She smiled my way, shaking her head, unable to believe that I didn’t know who this Rihanna person was. She was so happy and jumpy that I vowed, right then and there, that I would spend my days trying to keep her that way.

 

Talk about  _ whipped,  _ huh? And I haven’t even kissed her yet.

 

“Anyway, she is this incredible singer, famous worldwide - but apparently not in your village since you’ve never heard of her - and she has been working with my friend Sia, that told her all about me and the foundation… She loved it and wants to help.”

 

“That is incredible, Gwen! Is she coming now?”

 

“Yeah, she says she will bring a bunch of things we can auction to raise money. Outfits from tours, sketches from her songs, rare photos…”

 

“That’s nice of her.”

 

“Yeah, she said to me on the phone that she also had a friend that committed suicide… This cause is important to her.”

 

“I’m so happy for you, sweetie. You’re glowing so much that I like this girl already.” Gwen stared at me with a silly look on her face. Then, she shook her head, beaming. “What?” I asked, intrigued.

 

“Nothing, it’s just… You called me  _ sweetie.  _ Your southern growl made it cuter. I like it.” She gave me a shy smile. 

 

“Oh, I have a list of pet names for you… But you’re not ready to hear them yet.” I said with a devilish smile and she giggled.

 

“Are they dirty?”

 

“Some of them, yeah.” I winked and she blushed. 

 

Turns out this Rihanna girl was a gorgeous brunette with green eyes, dark skin and Caribbean accent. When she came by not too much time later, everyone stopped dead on their tracks, as if some queen had just arrived. She was dressed with an oversized shirt posing as a dress and knee-high boots, very stylish but simple at the same time. 

 

Gwen went to welcome her, smiling from ear to ear like a little girl on Christmas morning. The two of them talked for a bit and wandered around the property while a truck loaded with boxes parked near the theater. I swear Gwen was about to cry from happiness. I stayed looking at a distance, trying not to get in the way, just admiring my favorite blonde in her element. 

 

But when they started unloading the boxes, I had to step up and help. 

 

“Here, let me.” I intruded, taking the box out of Gwen’s hands. “You go first and tell me where to put it.”

 

“And who is this fine gentleman over here, Gwen?” Rihanna noticed me and inquired with her deep, raspy voice, touching my shoulders. She was so straight-forward that made me a bit shy. “We don’t find helpful handsome dudes just about everywhere.”

 

“Oh, this is Blake Shelton, one of the volunteers. He is a country singer.” Gwen answered, finding my shyness funny. “He comes from Oklahoma.”

 

“I knew I recognized you from somewhere! You’re on The Voice, right?” 

 

“Yeah, I am.” 

 

“My manager is been talking to the producers, apparently they want me to go and advise the coaches, something like that.” 

 

“It’s a lot of fun, I’m sure you’re gonna love it. And now you’re gonna have a friendly face to work with.”

 

“Oh yeah, I like this gig already.” 

 

Was she hitting on me? By the way she looked at me and winked, I suspected so. But the definitive proof came from Gwen: she closed her face and pulled Rihanna under the excuse that she needed to show her something inside the theater. Jen was near them and followed the two girls, giggling and shaking her head.

 

The other guys and I finished carrying all the boxes inside the theater when it was almost nighttime. When I brought the last one, there was some latin music playing in the background. Rihanna was standing up, shaking to the rhythm while Gwen and Jen were sitting by the edge of the stage, observing her. 

 

Gwen noticed me before Rihanna did, shooting me a thankful smile. I put the last box on the ground and cleaned my hands on my jeans, not sure what to do next.

 

“So, if y’all don’t need me anymore, I guess I’ll go..”

 

“Not at all!” Rihanna turned around and grabbed my arm. “Do you dance, Blake?” She batted her eyelashes at me and pointed to the stereo. 

 

“Uhm.. Not this kind of music.”

 

“C’mon, I’ll teach you.. It’s very sensual.” I laughed nervously, because old Blake would be all over her. I mean, I was never the one to waste a good opportunity throwing herself at me, especially one with this kind of body. But this Blake was freaking out thinking that Gwen would be mad at him. “What’s the matter, you have someone?” She enquired, squirting her eyes at me. I scratched the nape of my neck, embarrassed to answer that, and she figured out everything. “Then I can teach you so you can dance with her, how about that?” 

 

“C’mon Blake, it will be fun!” Gwen chimed in and all I could do was look at her like  _ are you crazy, woman _ ? She shrugged her shoulders, laughing. Well, if Gwen was throwing me on her arms, I was more than happy to carpe the hell out of this diem.

 

Rihanna put the music again, one of her own apparently, and arranged us in position to dance. It was actually quite easy. I was clearly about as skilled as a wooden board, but I managed to get a few movements out of me, including a spin that she wasn’t waiting for. Gwen would pay for that, mark my words. 

 

The music ended and pretty soon someone from her entourage came to call her to leave. Jen escorted her to the exit and in the second I was alone with Gwen, I turned around to face her. 

 

“Well, I can’t say  _ thank you  _ enough for your neutral influence!” 

 

She bended over herself laughing. “Oh you should see your face! You went white!” 

 

“Why the hell were you throwing me to her? I thought you were jealous!”

 

She stopped laughing and became shy. “I was not! You're crazy!" She tried to escape. "Y ou got so embarrassed, it was cute. Also, now you can teach me this dance..”

 

“What makes you think that I had you on my mind?” I teased her and she pouted. “Maybe I was thinking about some other smartass blonde that likes to drive me crazy… Or maybe I just wanted to dance with Rihanna...” She crossed her arms, like a little girl, and I couldn’t bring myself to tease any longer. “I’m kidding. But maybe I can teach you over dinner, sometime?”

 

It was the first time I’d mentioned a date since she was single. She widened her eyes, surprised, and for a second I thought I had screwed up. But she stroke my arm so sweetly and shot me a smile, reassuring me. 

 

“I don’t wanna do this for the wrong reasons. When I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know.”

 

“Okay, then.” I covered her hand with mine and we locked eyes for a second. “Need a ride home?”

 

“No, I’m so worked up that I probably wouldn’t sleep thinking about all of this, so I might as well stay and sort it all.. See what we have here.”

 

I looked around. It was a lot of stuff. I had a choice in front of me: go home to do nothing or stay beside a beautiful lady and help her. Seemed like a no-brainer from where I was.

 

“Sounds like you need help then.”

 

“You don’t need to.”

 

“I want to.”

 

She nodded, accepting the help, and we started working in silence. Hours came and went by, we laughed, shared stories, ordered pizza and unloaded countless boxes. We established a pattern: I dug out all of the content on the floor and she would photograph and mark on a sheet what could go to auction and what could go to an exhibit. 

 

“So, have you figured out what you’re gonna do with your life now that you have no plans?” I asked while folding a couple outfits from one of the boxes.

 

“You know what I’ve always wanted to do and had forgotten about completely? Someday, when John’s Garden doesn’t need me anymore… I want to do a road trip.”

 

“Really? To where?”

 

She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Just jump on a car and drive… No map, no nothing. Just go.”

 

“Alone?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Isn’t that a little dangerous?”

 

“There are dangers everywhere.... It shouldn’t keep me from doing cool things.” She shrug it off like it was nothing.

 

“Also, I’d be bored to the death if I did something like that all by myself. Nobody to annoy except from me… I wouldn’t last 5 miles.”

 

“In your case… You’re probably right.” She let out a good belly laugh that light the whole place up. “People often forget how important it is to enjoy your own company. We don’t take time anymore to hear our own thoughts… That’s why there’s so many people with mental health issues. Maybe I could go on a trip to teach that to the whole country?” 

 

“Look at you, you started this saying that you wanted to do something by yourself, now you’re turning it into work. You never stop, do you?”

 

“I don’t feel like I’m working… I’m making a difference, not just fulfilling a schedule.” 

 

This was who she was. Unapologetic and brutally honest, committed to her very core to a cause she believed in. Just for today, staying all night long sorting donations, not because she had a deadline, but just because she was too excited about it to do anything else. How can someone  _ not  _ be in love with this woman? She was unlike everybody else I’ve ever known. 

 

It was around 3am when she started showing signs of exhaustion. She leaned her back on the wall and let out a yawn, closed her eyes and just like that, she was gone, sleeping with a bunch of music sheets still on her hands. I took it out and looked around me. We were almost done, so I thought it would be cool to finish it by myself. So I adjusted her on the floor, covered her with this giant trail of a dress that was hanging closer and finished my task. 

 

From time to time, I’d check up on her, but she was still sound asleep. A couple hours later, everything was sorted out and the inventory was done. I wrote her a little note and put it under a shoe right in front of her for her to see the minute she woke up. On my way out, I let the night guard know that she was still in there and that she was safe, just resting a bit. I wanted to stay with her, but it didn’t feel right. She could get the wrong idea and I couldn’t afford that, not when I was finally getting on her good side. 

 

> _ Gwen, _
> 
>  
> 
> _ I hope I was a good enough student. I have finished the work for you, so enjoy your rest.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ As for my payment, I like beer.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Or vodka. ;)  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Blake.  _


	10. Can't get my mouth to say the words they want to say to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK! I finally am rested and allergy-free, so I feel like this chapter is as good as they were before. 
> 
> Before you go in, I just wanna thank all of you amazing beautiful souls that came to me over Twitter or comment section to talk to me, give me well-wishes and hopes for a quick recovery.. I felt so loved and cherished, it was truly something that made me feel better faster! 
> 
> I hope I made y'all justice with this chapter. Enjoy!!

 

“I have questions.” RaeLynn chimed in just as she got out of her truck. She had just parked in front of the main building of the foundation. She was bringing a very special delivery, one that I was anxious and excited at the same time. Especially because Gwen didn’t know anything about it and I had absolutely no idea how is she going to react. I can only hope she sees the good intention behind it. 

 

“Of course you have. Go on.” I replied, rolling my eyes and going around the truck to the trailer where my delivery was being carried. I tried to hide it, but it was impossible: there was a huge smile on my face.

 

“Why did you bought a horse and brought it here?” She asked, going around the truck too to open the trailer and get the animal out of it’s cage.

 

“Equine assisted therapy is good for people with depression, right? Here at the foundation we deal with people that already tried or have suicidal tendencies. That’s where you and your mom come in.” 

 

Rae and her family have a stable that uses horses and other animals to help people with several problems, from physical limitations to mental health issues. Her mom is an amazing psychiatrist and I thought it would be an useful addition to John’s Garden.

 

She was smiling like a freak and I realized I was the source of mockery. 

 

“What? What did I say?”

 

“When you talked about the foundation, you said  _ we _ . I think it’s cute.” She grinned.

 

“Did I?” She confirmed with her head. I scratched the back of my head, a bit embarrassed. “Well… What can I say... This kids are really starting to grow on me.”

 

“The kids… and a girl in particular, maybe?”

 

“What makes you say that?” I played coy, not entirely ready to talk about Gwen. Don’t get me wrong, Rae is an awesome friend, but Gwen was something that I would like to keep to myself, at least for the time being. 

 

“What’s this?” I heard a voice at the distance and I instantly turned around. It was Gwen coming near us, and I couldn’t decide if she was mad or not. She approached the place where we were with expectant eyes, waiting for my answer. I cleared my throat and looked at her. 

 

“So… I wanted to make you a surprise. This is RaeLynn, my friend. Rae, this is Gwen, who started this whole institution.” They greeted each other and I continued. “Rae and her mother, Callie, run a stable in northern California and they use horses to help people cope with problems or health issues, including depression. So I thought it would be a nice thing to try with some of the patients.”

 

“Wow… That is… so thoughtful, Blake.” She put one hand above her heart and the other on my shoulder, and without even looking I just could  _ feel  _ Rae laughing at me because she probably figured out the whole thing. “You know, I never had the chance to thank you for the other day. It meant a lot to me that you helped finish the inventory…. It meant a lot to me.”

 

“Wait a second…” Rae interjected and I had to hold back a grunt. “You’re telling me that Blake here did something out of the  _ goodness of his heart  _ and not because he _ had  _ to?”

 

And Gwen, clueless as she could be, answered: “Yeah, we received a huge donation and spent all night sorting it out. Blake helped me get the job done.”

 

Rae’s jaw was digging a hole on the floor. “Well.... Isn’t that very  _ prince charming  _ of him! I’m so proud of you, Blake!” Gwn probably didn’t pick up the sarcasm of her tone, but I did. And I would kill that little pest later.

 

“Anyway…” I started, wanting so bad to change the subject. “Callie is a psychiatrist and she is gonna be here any second to explain the therapy a little better. In the meantime… I want you to meet someone else.” I took her hand on mine and lead her to the door of the trailer. Rae opened it and there she was, the mare I bought. “She is yours, if you want to keep it.”

 

“You bought me a horse?” She squealed, excited. “Oh my God! Blake, you bought me a horse! Of course I want to keep her!” She jumped up and down and Rae took the horse out of it’s transportation for a better look. “She is so beautiful… What’s her name?”

 

“It’s Halo.” Rae offered. 

 

“Wow, that’s so beautiful!” She petted Halo with a huge smile on her face, shaking her head, as if she didn’t believe the gift she was getting. Then, she turned at me and jumped into my arms, giving me a hug. It caught me completely by surprise and it took me a second to react. After that, I hugged her too, very conscious that Rae was watching the whole scene. “Thank you so much.” She whispered in my ear.

 

“You’re welcome, sweetie.” I whispered back. Unfortunately, I had to let her go, but not without the silliest smile on my face. “So, do you want to take Halo for a little spin while we wait for Callie?”

 

“Yeah, of course!” She looked like a little girl with her first bike. It was so damn cute I wanted to kiss her right there on the spot. 

 

Rae finished gearing Halo for the hide while Gwen kept petting the animal, so hypnotized with her gift. I stood beside her, giving her some tips on how to ride a horse, but I don’t think she was completely paying attention. She was in her own space. Thankfully, she was a natural, and was able to take Halo for a spin without further problems. 

 

Rae waited until she was out of earshot to come at my throat.

 

“I’m friends with Dalai Lama and I didn’t know!” She began, with the most affected voice she could do.

 

“Oh shut up, you little brat!” I put my hands in my front pockets,  turning my head away to watch Gwen with Halo. “I really like her, okay? Can we leave it at that and not ruin everything for once?”

 

“When did I ever ruin everything for you?” She reacted, a hint of hurt on her words. “I’m your ‘alleged’ best friend, aren’t I?” 

 

“Yes, but… This is new for me, okay? I need all the help I can get. I’m not used to being shot down.” 

 

“She rejected you?” She practically screamed and I shushed her down, panicking. I didn’t want Gwen to hear this. “Sorry, sorry!” She whispered back, holding her giggles. “But wow! I love this girl already, please marry her!”

 

“How am I gonna marry someone that doesn’t even agree to go on a date with me, genius?” I crossed my arms, defiant. But part of me really wanted an answer. 

 

She didn’t answer at first, rather taking her time to think this through. Probably realizing that I really needed guidance, not a smart clapback. At a distance, Gwen was turning around to make her way back to us, completely glowing with happiness. Her smile was as big as the Sun and without realizing it, I had the same expression on my face, just by seeing her so happy. 

 

Gwen was almost at our spot when Rae turned at me and whispered: “After today, I don’t think you’ll have a problem getting a yes from her.”

 

Callie, RaeLynn’s mom, arrived shortly after. She was the sweetest lady and became friends with Gwen right away. They started talking about the benefits of equine assisted therapy and Gwen fell in love with the technique, bombing Callie with questions, which she patiently answered. 

  
  


“Horses are very responsive animals, especially when it comes to emotions. They respond to our body language and to our feelings or to the suppression of our feelings. Horses encourage us to feel, they feel safe when we are expressing what is really going on for us. I don’t think that you can fake ‘fine’ around a horse. Just being around a horse tends to help us to feel good - the smell, the feeling, their warmth and empathy.” Callie explained and Gwen barely blinked, soaking every word.

 

“Wow, that is so cool! And there is some kind of restriction? Or everyone can enjoy this form of therapy?” 

 

“Everyone can do it, but we found out that it works best with teenagers or people with history of alcohol and drug abuse. They tend to rely more on the animals, which makes the progress go faster.” Rae’s mom clarified. 

 

“I’m so blown away right now… This is going to be an amazing addiction to John’s Garden. I’m sure the kids will love it and it will be great for their recovery. I don’t know how we never came across with this form of treatment before.” Gwen sounded stunned and that made me even happier. I was glad that I could help and wow her in some way. No more being the schooled one. 

 

“Well, you were missing a cowboy to make the connection.” The three women laughed and she nodded, looking straight into my eyes. Then, we went on to talk about the schedule and sleeping arrangements for Halo until a stable was built on the institution’s property. 

 

Halo would be kept in a farm of a buddy of mine not far away from here, and Callie would come twice a week to start working with the kids. She would also teach a couple of the workers and the foundation’s therapist to expand the capacity. Gwen was so excited that she was already talking about getting more animals.

 

We said our goodbyes to RaeLynn and her mother, along with Halo, of course, and watched them go. Once it was just the two of us, suddenly the silence became too heavy.. For some reason, none of us knew how to break it. I just stared at my feet with my hands on my pockets while she played with a strand of her hair.

 

“So..”

 

“Listen…” We said at the same time. When we realized the coincidence, we both started laughing and the ice was definitely broken. I gestured her to go on and she took a deep breath. 

 

“Thank you for today. I truly loved the idea and it’s going to change a lot of these kids’ lives. Where did you get this from?”

 

I didn’t have the guts to tell her that I googled it. It would be too embarrassing, so I told a little white lie. 

 

“Rae and I have been friends since forever. I know her family’s work and I thought it would be cool to use it here. A lot of the kids never seen a horse face to face. They are going to flip out.” She let out a small giggle.

 

“You are probably right.”

 

Then, a moment of silence. I looked at her, inside those beautiful chocolate eyes and I never wished more to say what I was feeling. I mean, I’ve been pretty vocal about my feelings for her before, but I couldn’t take it being turned down again. The ball was pretty much in her hands. 

 

Patience wasn’t something I had. But like I promised her, I would try to wait. What I didn’t realize was that it was harder than I thought. I wanted to ask her out again, I wanted to say all the things that my heart was tired of repeating to itself, but my mouth wasn’t able to form the words.

 

_ Blake Shelton speechless.  _ That is a first for everything. 

 

I decided to end the conversation and go home before I do something I would regret. With her looking like an angel right in front of me, glowing with happiness, I was actually surprised that I haven’t kissed her yet.

 

“So… I’m gonna call it a day. See you tomorrow, baby girl.” A small wave was the best I could do. She nodded and said goodbye, but when I turned around to go to my car, she called me again.

 

“Blake! Wait!” She took a quick run towards me and stopped a step away from me, pulling her hair far from her face. “So…. that invitation still stands?”

 

“What inv- you mean the date? Really?” _ Easy, boy. _ You’ve done this before. You’re not some 13 year old virgin. Play it cool and don’t embarrass yourself, for God’s sakes. She confirmed with her head, finding my reaction funny. “Yeah, of course. Tomorrow night, my place?” 

 

“It’s settled.” 

 

Tomorrow was a Saturday. I wouldn’t come to the foundation, so I had all day to prepare something to impress her. It was my one shot. I better not screw this up. 

 

“See you tomorrow, then.” I got to my car and then I remembered something. She didn’t know where I live. So I turned around. “I’ll text you the address.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Oh, but I don’t have your phone number.”

 

She laughed and asked for my phone, quickly calling her own to get the number saved. Then, she returned the device to me, smiling big. I nodded and headed to my car.

  
  


But again, something stopped me. “I didn’t do this so you agreed on going out with me.”

 

“I know. That’s why I did.”

 

“Okay, good.”

 

“See you, Blake.”

 

“Bye, cowboy.”

 

I got the hell out of there before she changed her mind. I couldn’t believe she finally said yes!  _ Oh God, could this be more ridiculous? It was only a date, for crying out loud. She wasn’t agreeing on marrying me!  _

 

But for me, in that moment, it was pretty much the same thing. 

  
  


On Saturday afternoon, I was a pile of nerves. I never felt like this before a date in my entire life. I felt so stupid, like if I have never met a lady previously. And the Lord knows I had my time with a lot of them. 

 

Of course, nobody compared to the beauty that was about to come to my place. 

 

I pulled all the strings. I wanted to cook for her, show that I’m a true southern gentleman, so I nagged my mom all day for easy and tasty recipes, changed clothes about one thousand times and rearranged the pillows on the couch more times than I was proud to say. Still, the clock insisted on walking backwards. I checked my phone for the 54th time that minute and gave up, choosing to watch the door instead, as if that would make the time go faster.

 

I just couldn’t believe she was really coming. I needed to play this smooth and nice because I honestly felt like she was the one for me. It was a funny new feeling, finally wanting to settle down. There were times in my life that I thought this day would never come. Hell, I  _didn't want_ for this day to come. For old Blake, it was a waste of time and purpose. But I see it now that my old life wasn't for the long haul. It was fun while it lasted, but I was ready for the next step. 

 

A little before 7:30, my doorbell rang. 

 

_ She was here. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blake cooking... I wonder if that's a good idea! What do you guys think is going to happen on the next chapter??


	11. I ask please, if this is love, let me know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE LONG AWAITED DATE IS HERE, PEOPLE!
> 
> The name of the chapter is from an awesome Brazilian rap song called "Oh Meu Deus" (Oh My God) - Projota.   
> Some of my favorite lyrics are:
> 
> Oh! My God  
> How will I tell her?  
> That it's just her that I want now  
> If everyone who was hers  
> They were not so sincere
> 
> Totally what this chapter is about, so BE READY FOR SOME SERIOUS #RELATIONSHIPGOALS ahahaa
> 
> I hope you guys like it!  
> \- Lola

She looked like an angel that just descended from heaven.

 

I’m sorry if this is too cheesy for you, or if my storytelling is becoming more and more  _ afternoon special  _ as the time progresses, but it’s the truth. There was an angel at my door and my smile couldn’t be bigger. 

 

Hers, on the other hand, was a bit shaken. 

 

“Gwen, wow…” I tried to compliment her looks, but words failed me. Then, I saw a hint of worry on her eyes, which she quickly tried to hide from me. “What happened? Are you regretting this?”  _ Please say no. Please. _

 

“No, of course not! I wouldn’t be here if I did.” She shot me a reassuring smile and ton of weight was lifted from me. I opened the rest of the door for her to come inside and follow me. “It was nothing, I swear.”

 

I stared at her, squinting my eyes. “C’mon.. Talk to me.”

 

“It was… Gavin.” She looked down, somewhat ashamed. “He’s… insistent. He’s been calling nonstop, asking if we could talk in person.. He says he’s changed.” 

 

At first, I froze at the mention of his name. I know the power he had on her. For a minute, I feared she was touched by him reaching out for her. But like she said, she wouldn’t be here if she regretted her decision, right? She would have called and canceled. So I had to play it cool and try not ruin everything like I always do. 

 

“And how do you feel about that?” I asked but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her and see things I wasn’t prepared to see.

 

“Are you kidding me? I feel angry!” She answered, firmly, and I finally could look up, smiling. She rolled her eyes and cleared a strand of her hair that was on her face. “He had all the time in the world to actually change while he was  _ with me _ , but, instead, he lied and cheated his way out. I gave him all the second chances he needed, now I have none left.” 

 

“You just made this cowboy very happy.” I said, honestly, and her grin could light a whole city.

 

“Now it’s your turn to make a girl happy. What’s for dinner?”

 

“SHIT, DINNER!”  _ Fuck.  _ I had left a put on the stove and now probably everything was burned. I ran to the kitchen and she followed me, partly worried, partly laughing of my clumsiness. My guess was right: the sauce was now completely ruined. I turned off the stove and carried the pot to the sink. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Gwen… I was trying to cook for you so you’d think that I’m enough for you, but that clearly didn’t work.”

 

That is what happens when I reach for someone way out of my league. I end up making a fool of myself. I was so embarrassed, throwing everything out, when she approached me and put her hand on top of mine to stop me. 

 

“You  _ are  _ enough for me and not everything is ruined. It’s just the sauce, right?” 

 

“Yeah, the gnocchi is in another pot.”

 

“You made gnocchi?” She looked at me, impressed.

 

I scratched my head, feeling worse. “That’s store bought…”

 

It was her turn to laugh and blush. “Oh my God, I’m the worst!” She shook her head and leaned on my shoulder for a minute. Just as quick as the moment started, it ended, leaving a funny taste in my mouth, like if it wasn’t enough. “C’mon, I’ll help you do another sauce.”

 

“No, of course not! I don’t want you working!” I denied it with my head, pushing her lightly to a stool near near the counter. She fought back, laughing and we stopped in the middle of the kitchen like two fools.

 

“This is not work for me, my family is italian. This is practically second nature to me.” I squinted my eyes, trying to call out her bluff, but apparent she was telling the truth. Still, this is not the way I had envisioned this date to go. “Also, I’m starving. So let’s do this at once so I can eat!” 

 

I let her go and closed my arms. She went past me to the sink, washing her hands and grabbing a couple of tomatoes from a basket. “What about me? I don’t get to eat?”

 

“Not if you’re gonna stand there, with your arms crossed!” She answered from over her shoulder and I couldn’t help but let out a big belly laugh. “Come here, cowboy. You can chop this vegetables.”

 

We worked with a comfortable silence, breaking it occasionally to tell one story or another related to disastrous first dates (from her) and terrible experiences with cooking (from me). Also, we were surprisingly in sync, letting each other work without minimal bumping. That is, minimal  _ accidental  _ bumping, because all my run-ins were completely on purpose. 

 

C’mon, you know me. Of course I would enjoy this opportunity to touch her every chance I got.

 

By the third time that happened, she figured out my true intentions and started laughing, going along with it, until we were both poking each other to see who could hold the laugh longer - which I won because she was like a giggly kid. 

 

I poured us some wine while she put the finishing touches on the sauce. Together, we set the table and sat down in front of each other. I went all in: romantic light, candles, intimate setting. She couldn’t stop looking around, amazed by my effort. I could only hope that she didn’t think it was too much. Hell, it  _ was,  _ but she deserved. 

 

“Thank you for saving dinner.” I winked and she giggled, taking the first bite of her serving.

 

“This is amazing, by the way. Do you know who made the sauce?” We laughed and I caught myself staring at this amazing, stunning and witty girl, who constantly made me look like fool, but in the best way possible.

 

“Oh, my vegetable chopping made all the difference, I can tell! It wouldn’t be the same without me. So I deserve half the credit.”

 

She rolled her eyes and continued eating as I did the same. The conversation flew easy, effortless, to the point that made me wish we could do this forever. I used to think that dates were awkward, fake, weird, that’s why I steered clear from all this girlfriend thing until now. I guess I just hadn’t met the right girl.

 

We were having a great time, sharing stories from our childhood, even the embarrassing ones. I thought she would fall from her chair laughing when I told her about the time that I was harvesting chilli peppers on my grandpa’s farm, probably about 8 years old, and suddenly I had to pee. The problem is, I forgot to wash my hands  _ before  _ touching my dick, so you can imagine it burned like hell. Needless to say, I never laid my hands on a pepper again. 

 

After we finished eating, I loaded the dishwasher and decided to taker her for a little stroll.. The weather was nice and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her so soon. Truth be told, my true self wanted to go all caveman on her, but my rational side (before you start,  _ yes, I do have a rational side)  _ knew that I had to let my southern charm lead the way. 

 

“It’s still early, how about we go for a walk?” I asked, offering my hand for her to take it. 

 

“Yes, I’d love to.”

 

So we got out of the house, hand in hand, just enjoying each other’s company, breathing the summer night air. We stopped by a pond near my house, this beautiful park that provided an outstanding view by the moonlight. There was a bench in front of it, where we sat down, gazing at reflection of the moon on the water. Suddenly, a cool breeze blew past us and I felt her shiver next to me. We didn’t bring a jacket so I put my arm across her shoulders, bringing her next to me. She leaned in, letting out a content sigh and didn’t say a word. 

 

All my life I spent running away from commitment, thinking it would  _ chain _ me to someone. I would feel trapped, jailed. Naturally, that made me run the complete opposite side. Never in my wildest dreams I thought a relationship could simply be this, a walk hand in hand under the starry night sky with a beautiful smart blonde by my side. 

 

I wanted this. For the rest of my life. I didn’t need a second date to be sure of that. Gwen was the one for me.

 

“You know.. I’m gonna marry you someday.”

 

“What ?” She lifted her head, surprised.  “You’re crazy… This is our very first date, we don’t say stuff like that on first dates.”

 

“I don’t care.” I shrugged my shoulders. I was many things, but I wasn’t a liar. For me, it was all truth, all the time.

 

“You, cowboy, are weird.”

 

“No, just a regular guy, someone that believes if you speak your mind, life is gonna give it back to you. And I’m telling the world I want to see you in a white wedding dress coming my way to the altar.”

 

She nodded her head, not quite believing I really wanted to marry her.

 

“Sorry, no white for me. I’m gonna get married in pink.”

 

“Pink? Like bright neon pink?”

 

She smiled coyly at me, stretching her arms. “I can be persuaded on light baby pink.”

 

“That works for me, darling. In fact, you could be naked, for all I care.”

 

“I’m not interested on giving my father a heart attack on our wedding day.”

 

“ _ Our? _ See, you want it too!” I poked her ribs lightly, just to make her laugh, and she flinched, giggling.

 

“I can’t believe we are talking about wedding dresses on our first date. This is insane!” She covered her face with both hands, but she was laughing behind them.

 

“That’s not insane, that’s being honest. I know your past experiences weren’t good, but that’s the way it is with me. I’m telling right away what I want from this. From us.”

 

“Which is...?” She insisted.

 

“This moment, for the rest of our lives. I never knew it could be this good and now I never want it to end.”

 

“You don’t even know what’s a steady relationship is! There’s fights, pain, resentment… It’s not always pretty.” She departed my side and stood up, a little bit frustrated. For the look of it, she was fighting the feeling, trying not to get disappointed again. 

 

“Don’t you see how good this is?” I stood up too, facing her. “I’m a clean slate! You can say whatever the hell you want about relationships and I’ll believe it. If you say that, as your boyfriend, I have to make you breakfast in bed everyday, I will believe it, because I don’t know any different! You have a lot of power on your hands, missy.” I tried to keep a straight face but in the end, she laughed and I followed. 

 

After a few seconds, I reached for her and she came into my arms, hugging my waist. “C’mon, pretty girl. I’m not saying ‘let’s get married tomorrow’. I’m just telling you that’s the endgame for me. I’m willing to wait as long as it takes so you be ready too.  _ Exercising my patience,  _ remember?”

 

She nodded, facing my chest. “I’m trying to decide if you’re exceptionally good at dates… or terribly bad.”

 

“As long as I don’t have to do a first date ever again, I’m good with either.”

 

She backed away her head and stared at me in silence moment, a happy surprised expression on her features. “This should creep me out.. But it doesn’t.. It’s weird.” 

 

“Deep down, you feel that way too. You’re just not used with people being so sincere with you like this. And that’s okay, you’ll learn eventually.” I gave her my best dimpled smile and she threw her head back laughing. 

 

“You didn’t even kissed me yet and you’re already talking about marriage. What century are you from?”

 

“I’m trying to show you I’m a gentleman, woman. Go along with it.” 

 

“Alright, alright.” We locked eyes and the world stopped turning in that moment. The laughter slowly faded away and the silence took over, surrounding and involving us. “So.. are you gonna kiss me… or not?

 

I was learning quickly that Gwen had a number of faces, and so far her bossy one was my favorite. How could I say no when she had determination written all over her eyes and her lips were making a little charming pout? I smiled and placed my hand on the base of her neck, pulling her to me  _ oh so  _ slowly until our lips touched.

 

It was the same thing as a rush of the most powerful drug straight to my veins. Her taste was subtle and sweet, and when he parted her mouth to let me in, her breath made me dizzy. I would go to war, hunt lions, take down dictatorships and jump off a bridge for that kiss. It was the perfect amount of sassy and passionate, something I never knew I needed until just now.

 

She was shy at first, with her arms down the side of her body. But as the kiss grew intimate, I could feel her hands on my biceps, and then on my hair, tugging me in and even closer, if that was possible. 

 

When we finally split our lips, we were both breathless and giggly like teenagers sharing a first kiss ever. She tried to cover her face, rather embarrassed, but I kissed the top of her head and she melted, shaking her head.

 

“I never knew I could be this cherished.” She whispered so lowly that for a moment it seemed like she was talking to herself.

 

“You are safe with me.” She snorted as if she didn’t believe me, so I put a finger under her chin and pulled her face to meet my eyes. “I’m nothing like that scumbag. You don’t have to worry about anything ever again.”

 

She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. When she opened again, they were swimming with tears. “Tonight has been a dream. Far better than I ever hoped. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little.... off, it’s just because you’re bringing into my life something I thought I had lost.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Complicity. Truth. Laughter. I had made my peace with the fact that I would never have this with my husband. You’re giving me hope.”

 

I kissed her forehead and spent a second longer there, breathing her in. “A force of nature like you shouldn’t ever settle. Do you hear me?” I lowered my head so I could be the same level as her. “You should be taking over the world by storm, dragging crowds and making history, not being submissive to anyone. Not even me. It’s my personal mission to make you realize that.”

 

“You’re my angel, do you know that?”

 

“Sweetie, you’re the one saving lives here.”

 

Sadly, this night had to end some time. We spent the rest of it kissing and cuddling on our way back, drinking the rest of the wine and playing our favorite songs on the guitar in my front porch. None of us wanted to be without each other. Isn’t that crazy that it took us just a couple hours to re-design the rest of our future?

 

What we felt that night was stuff that people write poems about. That cheeky and lame thing that makes you  _ swoon  _ and make heart eyes at someone else. I was a retired skeptical from now on,  because I would go to my grave defending that type of love.

 

Speaking of defending…

 

On Monday morning, I asked around the music industry and located the person I needed to find. I debated internally if I should go after him or not, but I kept my distance for too long. He was having a feast with her insecurities, playing with her emotions, and now that I was on this mess too, I needed to take action. 

 

So I skipped volunteer work that morning and knocked on Gavin’s door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pepper story is real and it happened to my husband ahahaha   
> It's too good not to be used! 
> 
> What did y'all think about their first date?


	12. Coz a one in a million chance's still a chance.... And I would take those odds

I know what you’re thinking.  _ Gwen is gonna kill you.  _

 

Yeah, you’re probably right. She will be pissed when she finds out, call me a bunch of names and tell me to stay out of her goddamn business. I had no right to just come at her ex-fiancé’s house and that, sure as the Sun is gonna rise tomorrow, is going to come back and  bite me in the ass.

 

But I also know her, better than I know myself, and something wasn’t right. She was either not giving this a proper thought or she wasn’t telling me the whole truth. That became clear as day when the fucker opened the door.

 

“Oh, look at that. She sent the fucking  _ hound dog _ to beat me up now?” He mocked with a sarcastic tone and leaned his shoulder on the side of the portal door, crossing his arms like he was some sort of God.  _ Ridiculous. _

 

I unconsciously puffed my chest, straightening my back, and crossed my arms too, taking full advantage of the fact that I was way taller than him. “First of all, nobody  _ sent me. _ I came to have a little chat with you, man to man, if that’s what you say you are.” 

 

“Oh, so you came behind her back. Interesting….” His words were filled with poison, dripping at the side of his sick smile. “Funny how someone that brainwashed her against me saying I was a liar is now doing the same thing.”

 

Mustering my deadliest face, I untangled my arms and pointed a finger on his face. “You’re gonna leave her alone. You’re gonna take that sorry face of yours and get the hell out of her life. I’m not asking and I’m not gonna come back here again. But you’re gonna do as I say.” 

 

He let out a big laugh and I immediately closed my fists, with a sudden need to punch the living thing out of this idiot. But I wasn’t here to fight. I was feeling bad enough by not telling Gwen I was here, although I had my reasons. The last thing I needed was this fucker running to her saying  _ how much of a monster  _ I was to come at his house to beat him up. 

 

“You’re unbelievable, man…” He finally said when the laughter faded. “Kudos for your courage, I’ll give you that. But stay out of this. You’re just a lost puppy, one of many she took under her wings and suddenly thinks she has feelings for you.” So far, his voice was filled with irony and sarcasm, a tool that weak people often use to shield themselves. I know that first hand. But then, his entire body postured changed drastically. In a heartbeat, Gavin became darker and more threatening that I was giving him credit for. He looked at me from under his eyelids with bloodshot eyes and I caught a glimpse of someone that was truly capable of everything to get what they wanted. “Gwen made a commitment with the label and the band and she is gonna fulfill her part of the deal, whether you want it or not.”

 

“Oh, is that what it is? You’re  _ threatening _ her? Have you lost your damn mind?” She could be very well being blackmailed or something like that. My gut was right.  _ This was so much worse than she led me to believe. _

 

“I’m not  _ threatening _ anyone.” He rolled his eyes as if he was talking to a kid. “I’m simply  _ reminding  _ her of the agreements she made before she fell in love with some redneck from Hicksville _. _ ” 

 

“Well, I’m here to  _ remind you  _ that I’m in her life for good now and I can hunt, so whatever the deal she signed, she is off of it now. You’re done using her to get fame.”

 

“You know, I had enough of you.” He came out of the door, taking just one step towards me. “Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think I’m some punk you get to come here and scare away? You know  _ nothing  _ about me, you idiot. I have no business with you and I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you. The one that should be warned here…. It’s you.”

 

Frankly, if he wasn’t the jackass I knew he was, I would be quite impressed by the calm and controlled way he threatened me. He didn’t raise his voice once, nor lost his temper.. From the outside, if someone were to simply pass by us, it would look like we were just having a chat by his door, which made it even more terrifying. This was stuff psychopaths were known for. 

 

I didn’t answer right away, so he took it as the end of the conversation and started to shut the door on my face. But I just couldn’t let him have the last word. So I said pretty much the last thing I should have said. 

 

“It’s my problem because she is with me now. We’re together.”

 

He stopped dead on his tracks, nodding his head, looking down and laughing in a way that would definitely be a part of my nightmares for the rest of my life. I saw many things on his expression, things that later on I would surely consider as “red flags”. But at that moment, I just brushed it off like it was nothing. 

 

I should probably kept my mouth shut, because I knew very well we only had one date. There was so much we needed to figure out before calling this a relationship, but at the moment, I didn’t care. I was pissed and I wanted him to be too. He didn’t have to know the details.

 

“Of course she is. You’re her next guinea pig. Her next experiment. The next bad guy she swears she can  _ convert _ . And you’re gonna be together forever… until the next bad guy comes along.” 

 

“Does it bother you? That the sweet, submissive girl you thought you had complete control over is now free from your claws and ready to be happy with someone else?” 

 

“You listen here.” He was whispering now, which only made him seem more out of his mind. I could see flashes of the real anger burning under the surface and I knew I had stricken a chord with him. “Gwen and I? We go way back. I don’t worry about you because she always comes back to me. But lately…. You’re getting on my nerves.” He came really close and the deadly wrath on his eyes was something I’ve never seen on anyone before. “Meddling on everybody’s business, going behind my back to steal her away from me.... Maybe you need to be taught a lesson...” 

 

That was enough for me. I wouldn’t let a child like Gavin make shallow threats at me, so I rolled my eyes and started to walk away. But then....

 

“Or maybe I should hurt  _ her  _  and watch you die inside because it’s gonna be your fault.”

 

That was it. You wanna come at my throat and take your best shot with me?  _ Be. My. Freaking, Guest.  _ But  _ do not  _ come at those I love the most, because you’re asking for it. So I turned around really slowly, took a long breath and my right hook came out swinging. He fell unconscious on the ground, his nose bleeding. I got into my car and didn’t look back. 

  
  
  
  


It was already past noon when I entered the foundation’s gates. I wasn’t ready to see Gwen, even though I missed her like crazy. My original plan was to come here at the right time and steal some kisses every chance I’d get, but instead I went straight to my music class. I got so wrapped up with the kids that I didn’t even notice the beautiful blonde watching me by the door until the bell rang and everyone started packing their things to go home. My next class was a private one with Jake, but he wasn’t here yet, so I had nowhere to run. 

 

“I looked everywhere for you this morning…” She began with a low voice, once everyone had left. It almost felt like she was embarrassed to admit that. “I thought you had regretted the decision to date me….”

 

Shit, I had to see this coming, because of course it was gonna look bad. The first morning after our date I bailed work and didn’t give so much as a head’s up? She was probably questioning everything, thinking she wasn’t good enough and all that stuff.

 

“Fuck, baby. I’m so sorry… This has nothing to do with our date, I promise! I still mean everything I said.”

 

“Including the wedding?” She asked, a bit shy to admit that she was thinking about it. 

 

“Yes, including that. Especially that, even.” I opened my arms and she came straight into them, resting her head on my chest. I inhaled deeply, taking a moment to appreciate her scent and her warmth next to me. “I’m an idiot… I should have come earlier instead of getting here late.” 

 

She giggled, still on my chest, and only after that she looked up to find my gaze. “You really are. Where were you, anyway?”

 

“I had some problems to solve but it’s all good now. I have an hour with Jake next but after that I’m all yours.”

 

I can practically  _ hear _ you thinking that I should have told her the truth. To be fair, I wasn’t exactly lying. I know I wasn’t being completely honest either, but at the time I thought this matter was taken care of. In my mind, Gavin was a thing from her past and that was it. There was only room for the future.

 

“That sounds dirty…” She looked at me with a naughty smile on her face and I could practically throw myself on the ground for her to walk all over me. “I like it.”

 

“I like it too.” I confessed with a whisper. She threw her head back, laughing, and put both her hands over my chest. 

 

“I have to confess you something.” 

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“I’ve been writing lately... songs about a cowboy.” 

 

Wow. I for sure didn’t expect it. I thought I was the only one jumping head first into this, and honestly, I was fine with it. I was willing to give her all the time she needed, because for the first time in my life I wasn’t in a rush to get into someone’s pants. This time I would take it slow to  make it last. 

 

But the gigantic smile in my face told the hidden truth: this reality was so much better.

 

“I thought I was the only cowboy you knew.” I said, trying to be witty, but I just couldn’t wipe away the stupid grin of my lips.

 

“Well.. I’m full of surprises, Blake…. You’d be shocked.” Her poker face was so much better than mine and for a second I truly thought she could be talking about someone else. But then she mirrored my foolish smile. “I’m kidding, of course they are about you, you dummy!” She placed a sweet kiss on my mouth and I took a relieved breath. 

 

“Will you share some of them with me?”

 

“Maybe...  if you behave.” 

 

“You’re playing with fire, woman…” Before she could answer, Jake showed up by the door and we quickly separated our bodies. “I’ll come look for you after we’re done here.” 

 

“Yeah, I’ll see you then. Have a good class, Jake.”

 

“Thanks, Miss Stefani.” He greeted her on her way out, and as soon as she disappeared he turned his face at me with a puzzled look on his face. “You and her, huh? I thought you guys hated each other.”

 

“She was secretly in love with me this entire time.” I answered, trying to seem serious, but he saw right through me. “What?! That could happen!”

 

“Oh yeah, totally…” He replying, laughing at me, but he quickly stopped and scratched the back of his head. “Actually, since we’re on the subject… I really like this girl at my school. But of course she’s gonna see the scars and think that I’m a freak or something.”

 

“Jake, you listen to me.” I got closer to him and put my hands on his shoulders. He was shy at first, looking down, but I didn’t continued talking until he looked at me. “Everyone’s got scars. You, me, Gwen, her....That’s part of who we are. Some of them are visible, some are not. But it’s there, I assure you.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes. What you can do is show her that you’re worth looking past it. You’re not  _ just  _ your scars, right?” 

 

“I guess…”

 

“You’re an amazing musician, and you could show her that. How about we practice a song and later you play it for her? That’s nothing better to impress a chick than a guitar. Or cooking.” I squinted my eyes to study him. At 14 years old, he didn’t seem like the natural chef. “But something tells me you can’t cook for shit.”

 

“You’re right.” He laughed.

 

“I thought so.”

 

“Is that the way you impressed Miss Stefani?”

 

He didn’t have to know about the gnocchi disaster. That was my little secret for now. “Yes. She loved it. But that is not the case. What songs are you thinking about learning?” 

 

Don’t you think it’s amazing how the world works?  One minute I’m inches away from jail and on the other I’m giving life lessons. If I was a bit smarter, I would have made this moment last a little longer.

 

But you can already see I’m not. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can FEEL you guys hating Blake right now, keeping this secret away from Gwen. ahahahah
> 
> What do you guys think is gonna happen?


	13. Fall into me, let me breathe the air you breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Zoe, my favorite DJ, for setting the mood with the most amazing songs. Love you, Z!  
> And for Bea, because she endures my rants about this fic all the time. Worse, she LIKES them. I think. Te amo, cariño!

“So, are you crying already?” 

“Why would I be crying?”

“Because, the man of your dreams, your knight in shiny armor, your Prince Charming, me, is away for concerts and you’re there all alone, sad and miserable. Am I right?”

Her answer was a sound laugh. 

I’ve always felt so weird and stupid using FaceTime. I didn’t want to see 90% of my contact list, and the ones I did I found it better to talk just using text messages. It was easier and most girls would reveal so much more from them if nobody was watching. 

But not Gwen. Gwen was a girl of contact, intimacy and, of course, long talks on the phone. Weirdly enough, it wasn’t cheesy or girly. We talked a lot about the foundation, our families, and overall topics of the day. It didn’t feel forced or too sugary, it was rather a matter of two close friends laughing and getting to know each other.

Also, the amount of things I was willing to do just to hear her laugh were ridiculous. 

I was taking more classes at John’s Garden and tapings for The Voice also had started, aside from her work with Adam’s band for their new album, so our time together was limited. It was usually stolen kisses by empty halls or vacant classrooms. That helps explaining why I found myself waiting for her call every night. 

This weekend I had a couple concerts booked in Ohio and Nebraska, meaning it would be the first time I’d be travelling since we started dating. If I didn’t know she had a bunch of stuff to finish here, I’d for sure invite her to come with me. And I regretted the decision to not say anything the moment the plane took off. 

It was funny - and a bit sad at the same time, I must admit - seeing my staff confused when I went straight to the hotel after the show, refusing the after parties and alcohol. Funny because it was definitely a first for me. I was never the one to refuse pretty girls around me. And sad because the person I used to be is simply disgusting. Full of himself, totally disregarding other people’s feelings, thinking his money could pay for whatever and it was all gonna be fine. 

Well, not anymore. I just wanted to go to my room and call my favorite girl, hoping the weekend would fly us by so I could go home again. 

And this is what we were doing right now.

“Thank God you’re not cocky, because otherwise you’d be sooooo full of it…” She replied, laughing and rolling her eyes. 

“It is what it is, baby… Admit it, you love it, you wouldn’t change a thing!” I winked and showed her my dimpled smile, a powerful combo, and she giggled, showing that it had worked. 

“I can’t deny that, not even a bit.” 

“See?” She laughed and I stood there, in front of my phone, looking at her like a damn fool, unable to wrap my head around the fact that I was utterly, completely, 100%, in love with this girl. “So, how was your day today?” 

She adjusted herself on the bad, clearly tired, and I felt a bit guilty for keeping her up until late. But I couldn’t bring myself to cut the conversation short. I was selfish like that. “We wrote a love song today...  Adam and I.” She turned red a little bit, embarrassed for what she was about to say. “And I was totally thinking about you.”

_ Oh, boy.  _ My heart was beating so fast it looked like it would break it’s cage, and my smile could probably light up this whole damned city. “Oh yeah? What’s it called?”

“My Heart is Open.”

It was so funny, part of me wanted to jump and scream “YEAH!”, but I played it cool, for the time being. I was totally punching the air the minute this call ended. 

“Will you play it for me when I get back?” She nodded, covering her face with her other hand, being so cute and hot at the same time.

“Adam wants me to sing with him. On the album, I mean.” 

“Really?” I exclaimed, genuinely excited. “Wow baby, that is amazing!”

“I’m not a singer, Blake!” I could see she was worried. “My voice is different, weird. I would totally ruin the song.” 

“No, you’re not. Listen to me.” I stood up, now being fully seated on the bed, giving the subject the proper attention it deserved. “You’re gonna sing, and you’re gonna be amazing, people will go crazy about you and you’ll have no choice but start your own singing career. You said the other day you were writing a bunch of songs, right? You could totally record your own thing. I mean what I say and it’s not just because we’re dating, but I truly believe your voice isn’t  _ weird,  _ it’s  _ unique. _ ” 

“You really think that?” She asked shyly, almost in a whisper.

“How come you waste no time praising everyone around you but you have the hardest time ever believing in yourself?” Although I was smiling and my tone was playful, I meant every word. She could lift anyone up, remembering by heart all the greatest things about them, but when it came to herself… cricket sounds. 

“I… I guess I never had someone telling me that, I think.”

“Well, you do now.”

“Alright, alright, Mr. Number 1 fan.” She waved her hand, changing the subject. “Would you get your pretty little ass back here in LA so I can play a few of those songs for you?”

“Yes, ma’am!” I made a salute gesture, since she was bossing me around, and then I squinted my eyes. “So, you think my ass is pretty, huh?” She laughed out loud. “I didn’t take you for an ass kind of girl, but apparently, I was wrong. Interesting…”

“Oh my God, Blake Shelton!” She couldn’t stop laughing. “You’re a funny cowboy, did you know that?” 

“It’s part of my charm, baby.” 

That night, I sat on the bed and started thinking about how my life had drastically changed since Gwen came into it. How much I’ve been laughing lately, enjoying life without have to open the bottle of vodka. She made me want bigger and better things for myself and, for the first time, I was also doing something for other and not only for myself. She was truly a gift from God.

So I made a song about it.

  
  


I was in town for about 4 and a half minutes and I had already called her, asking her to meet me at my house. I missed my girl so bad I couldn’t wait another minute to see her. And in fact, my bag had just hit the floor when the doorbell rang behind me. I opened the door and there she was, dressed so simple, yet so damn beautiful. 

I swept her from the floor and shut the door with my foot behind us, while I buried my face on her neck, breathing her in. She giggled and grabbed my hair, squeezing me even closer. 

“Oh God, I’ve missed you so much…” I said, still on her neck, looking up shortly after. “That’s it, you’re going on tour with me from now on.”

She let out a big laugh and I put her on the floor. “Are you crazy? I can’t just drop everything and follow you!” 

“You can and you will.” I said but only part of it was a joke. She crossed her arms, defiant, pointing her chin up at me.

“Weren’t you the one pushing me to have a singing career just yesterday?” 

“I changed my mind.” She scoffed and I opened a dimpled smile. “I’m kidding. C’mon,  _ Whitney _ , let’s see what you and the moron have been working on.”

She played me two new songs, including one that she wrote for “no one especifically”, which means that she was thinking about releasing it herself - although she was too shy to admit it - called  _ Used to Love You _ . It was hard to listen to it until the end, because the lyrics were so raw and painful. But she seemed happy to be free of all those demons, so I was fine with it. 

She also showed me  _ My Heart Is Open,  _ a song Maroon 5, Adam’s band, would release on their new upcoming album. Adam was right; her voice was perfect for the melody. I could already see people going crazy over it. His band was famous worldwide. This could be the perfect launch on her career as a singer. 

“I don’t know, maybe I’m dreaming too big and should start small.” There she goes, downplaying herself again. “I’m fairly unknown outside the label…” 

“Okay, I’m gonna tell you a story. Are you ready?” I sat in front of her by the couch, leaning in a little bit so she would pay attention to me. She put the guitar aside and stared at me, waiting for me to talk. “You probably don’t even know about this, because you didn’t see me at the time, but I saw you singing alone before the gala one day. You were crying and I don’t know the song, maybe it’s one you wrote and didn’t send to anybody.” 

She was shocked, covering her mouth with her hands, probably thinking I was some sort of creepy stalker. I better make this right, fast. “My point is: I’ve never seen someone sing with so much passion, so much truth. I think that day I realized I wanted you. You were just sitting at the stage with a guitar, but even then you had the ability to drawn me in. I was hypnotized. I can see you commanding crowds all over because you’re  _ that  _ good, Gwen. It’s not just you that deserves the world, but it’s the  _ world  _ that deserves  _ you.” _

She didn’t say a word. She just smiled and a silent, lonely tear streamed down her cheek. I approached her face and kissed the tear away, tasting the salty liquid on my lips. I travelled down a little bit and our lips met in a sweet, darling way. When we parted ways, it was my time to pick the guitar up. 

“You’re not the only one writing songs here, you know? I have something to show too.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s for you.”

“Okay.”

 

_ I've been a walking heartache _

_ I've made a mess of me _

_ The person that I've been lately _

_ Ain't who I wanna be _

_ But you stay here right beside me _

_ Watch as the storm goes through _

_ And I need you _

_ 'Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs _ _   
_ _ God gave me you for the days of doubt _ _   
_ _ For when I think I've lost my way _ _   
_ _ There are no words here left to say, it's true _ _   
_ __ God gave me you, gave me you

_ On my own I'm only _ _   
_ _ Half of what I could be _ _   
_ _ I can't do without you _ _   
_ _ We are stitched together _ _   
_ _ And what love has tethered _ _   
_ __ I pray we never undo

As I played the last chord, I looked up to her and her face was completely washed away with tears. She closed her eyes and nodded her head, taking a deep breath, a movement I learned to recognize for when she was feeling overwhelmed. It was another first for her, being praised instead of lied to. I can only hope she gets used to this because I plan on keeping this way as long as she lets me. 

“That is… Blake, oh my God...”

Suddenly, the doorbell rang again. Weird, I wasn’t expecting anyone. “Hold that thought, I’ll be right back.”

 

If I knew was about to meet me at the other side of the door, I never, in a million years, would leave Gwen to open it. Because standing right in front of me was someone I never thought I’d see again.

My father. 

“You  _ gotta  _ be kidding me.” I said, under my breath, surprised by the appearance. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“That’s the way you greet your father?”

“You’re not my father. Mike is. You’re just someone that lent the seed.” 

“Wow.” I crossed my arms, clearly not giving a fuck if I hurt his feelings or not. I just wanted him gone. “I’m not gonna bother you, I was in town and thought about coming here to see you again. Clearly it was a mistake.”

“Clearly.”

“I’ll make it short, then. I’m sick, don’t have much time left. I wanted to make things right before I go. I know I put you and your mother through so much shit, and part of me knows you’ll never forgive me. But I had to try.” 

“You’re sick, huh? You know the name of that? It’s  _ karma. _ ” I couldn’t believe this guy. Just because he had a disease it meant that I had to overlook all the stuff he did to us so he could die in peace with himself? It’s ridiculous.  _ “ _ That’s what you get for leaving a your wife and children. ‘Shit’ is a much too light term for abusing your kids, beating the living thing out of them when you were drunk.” He squirmed when he heard me saying those words, probably feeling ashamed, and I didn’t give a damn. 

Behind me I could hear steps and I knew Gwen was listening. 

“That part of you is right. I will  _ never  _ forgive you.” 

I simply shut the door on his face, making a loud stomp. I put both hands on the sides of the door, lowering my head and taking deep breaths to calm myself down before facing Gwen again. She gave me the space I needed, not saying a word until I was more stable. 

“It was my biological father.” I started, without looking at her. “He’s…. He is my worst nightmare.” She came around and hugged my back, resting her head in between my shoulderblades. It instantly made me calmer. I turned to face her, inside her embrace, and put my arms on her as well. “Seeing him only brings bad memories and now… now he says he’s sick. Like if that is suddenly gonna erase what he did. How he dare ask for forgiveness? I can’t believe he has the nerve to show up here…”

“Do you know why we forgive people?” She asked with a low voice, looking at me, but didn’t wait for my answer. “It’s for ourselves, nor for them. Saying ‘I forgive you’ is the same thing as taking out the trash; you’re saying that you don’t wanna carry that burden with you anymore. Your father has nothing to gain with it, but as long as you have that anger, that resentment inside of you, it will control you. Maybe he’s giving you a chance to live the rest of your life free from that feeling.”

“Yeah, that’s just like him.” I replied, ironically. “He’s altruistic like that.”

I didn’t mean to take it out on her, but the damage was already done. She looked at me, her face twisted with hurt, and I knew I had made a mess. Gwen stepped away from me, putting her hands in front of her body.. When I tried to come closer, he made the space between us even bigger.

“You’re such a child, you know that?” She shot right to my face. “When you hear something you don’t like you lash out, doesn’t matter who gets hurt in your way, right?”

“You don’t know what he’s like, Gwen! He beat the shit out of me and my siblings and just because he is sick he wants to do one good thing in his life? Oh, spare me! He’s just a selfish fucker and I can’t wait for him to be gone!”

She stopped dead on her tracks, shocked as she could be, her mouth doing a perfect O in surprise. It took her the longest time to reply, but when she did, her voice was barely a whisper. “You’re don’t know what you’re talking about. Death changes people. When you’re looking at his coffin, you’ll remember this moment and you’re gonna regret it forever. You’re gonna wish you’d never said it. And you’re gonna wish you had made things right with your father before he passed away, because you won’t get another chance.” 

“I just… He made my life hell. I can’t see how I may be able to look past this. All the times I heard my mom crying… It only got better when Mike appeared in our life.” I said, honestly.

“That’s for him to pay when he meets his Creator. You can’t let that control your life, otherwise the damage is gonna be bigger. Think of this way: you can’t let him have the power to interfere with your life anymore than he already did.”

I nodded, agreeing, because she was right. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, ashamed. She smiled and came closer.

“It’s okay. For one hand, I think we dealt with our first fight pretty good.”

“We’ve been fighting since we first said ‘Hello’ to each other.”

“But we weren’t dating back then.”

“It’s true.” I hugged her and kissed her lips deeply and passionately. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Also true.” She clapped back and we laughed. “But I’m willing to give you a chance.”

I looked right into her eyes and kissed her again, but this time, the kiss grew filthier, heavier. I held her face and took everything she was offering with her lips. I didn’t intend to ask her for anything, but she jumped into my lap and I was quick to hold her there, taking us to the nearest wall for support.

Gwen wrapped my waist with her legs and I enjoyed the opportunity to feel her legs under the dress she was wearing, blessing the moment she decided to put them on. He skin was so soft, so creamy…. I was the luckiest bastard on the face of the Earth today. 

Every time she twisted her head or tugged my hair stronger, I could feel the last shreds of the gentleman in me being washed away. I was very close to the point of no return, but Gwen was a lady, so she needed to be treated right. I mustered every fiber of strength and pushed her away gently, both of us completely out of breath.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.”

“I’m not gonna be able to stop.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Fuck…” I breathed out and she laughed softly, pulling my face closer to hers again. 

I carried her to my bedroom, placing her gently on the bed before standing up to take off my pants and shoes. She supported her weight with her elbows to watch my little strip tease show. I laughed, a little embarrassed, and quickly came back to bed because I was suddenly missing her kiss.

I went down to take her dress off, leaving a trail of kisses wherever I could place my lips on. She tickled and giggled when I hit her most sensitive spots, arching her back when I tugged her dress up. She finished taking it off, left with her underwear under me. I took her bra so I could play with her breasts and when they were revealed, my God, I almost wept. Her fairly white skin was so beautiful, so angelic and pure I almost felt bad for tainting it. But I was also a man with needs; one of them being getting lost inside of her.

She was so responsive to my touch, taking deep breaths whenever I kissed her skin, tugging my hair to make me stay close to her. As if I was crazy to go anywhere else.

I hooked both thumbs on the sides of her panties and pulled her over her legs until they were out of the way, eager to taste her flavor. With a naughty smile, I approached her center, but the unexpected happened: as I put my hands on her tights, she froze in place. I panicked.

“What happened? Do you wanna stop? I know I was just kidding before, you say the word and-” 

“No, that’s not it.” She denied, blushing. “It’s just… I think I know what you’re about to do and I’m not sure... I mean, you don’t have to….” She was deeply embarrassed, thinking I was doing this just for her. Probably that fucker of her ex didn’t like to go down on her. 

“You’re kidding, right? I love this part, are you crazy?”

“Really?” She was truly skeptical.

“Oh, baby…” Before I reached my prize, I went back to kiss her on the lips and whispered in her ear. “I can’t  _ wait  _ to taste you, baby girl.. I can almost feel it on my tongue.. I bet you’re the sweetest down there.”

“Oh my God..” She whispered back, giggling like a teenager, putting the biggest smile on my face. So I resumed my previous path and finally approached her center. I took one long lick on her clit and she went out of her body. I smiled like a fucking king and continued, occasionally throwing teeth and fingers to the mix, until  she was trembling and shattering into a million pieces, her breath completely ragged and a loose smile on her face. 

I never knew sex could be light, easy and intimate like it did with her. It was amazing, but it also felt like we’ve been doing this for ages and not for the first time with each other. We’d caught ourselves laughing and going with absolute no rush at all, because we reached climax together, one thing became crystal clear. 

This was our last first time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLYYYYYYYYYYY 
> 
> I told you guys I was a good girl! I let them be happy for a little while! Don't you guys love me? ahahaah


	14. I know we won’t find a love that’s so true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I didn't die, YAY! 
> 
> So sorry to take so long to update this. As some of you know, I own a bakery business in Brazil and things started to go a little hectic so my time to write was seriously cut short. I hope you guys haven't given up on this story yet! Tell me what y'all think about this chapter! Love you guys so much!!

“Blake Shelton is here on the studio with us today to talk about The Voice and all things related! Good morning, buddy!”

 

“Good morning, buddy!”

 

“So, how’s life? It has been a while since we talked… What are you up to these days?”

 

Well, how I could answer that? I was three months in the greatest relationship that ever existed with Gwen, not exactly hiding but we weren’t shoving our love up to people’s faces either. We were laying low, doing our thing, allowing ourselves to just be in the moment. I was a model for good behavior, showing on time to scheduled things, even if they were first thing in the morning like this interview at a radio show in LA. She was at home listening to it so I better do good.

 

“Life’s great, man… Keeping myself busy with Voice tapings, new music…”

 

“Oh, c’mon! That’s all you’re gonna say?” The interview insisted and I could tell this isn’t gonna end well. “You always have the greatest drinking stories, I can’t believe you’re not sharing one with us today!”

 

“Yeah…” I scratched my head, trying to get out of this nicely. “That life got kinda boring. I’m just focusing on writing and being a good guy for once in my life.” I completed the sentence laughing, which everyone in the studio followed.

 

“That’s definitely a first, for sure…” He agreed. “I’m assuming there’s a girl involved?”

 

_ Oh, fuck. _ I had no idea if I could reveal our relationship to the world just yet. Was Gwen going to be mad if I said anything? Or if I didn’t? For one hand, this public life could be really draining. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to be sucked in just yet. She was taking her time, writing her songs and curating her album with the label, something I was incredibly proud of, but as far as the famous part came… Gwen was a very private person. I shouldn’t say anything until I clear this with her, right? 

 

I decided to play it coy, not denying, but at the same time, not confirming it either. “Isn’t that always the case?”

 

“Well, whoever she is, she must be ready for a flock of women chasing her down the street.... She won’t be forgiven for taking the country music’s very own bachelor out of the market.”

 

“Aw, c’mon, man! Now you’re just flattering me.” I replied, awkwardly, half laughing.

 

“No, it’s true, though! I personally remember one time you having to hide on Trace Adkins’ dressing room on a festival you guys did back in the day.. I think it was in San Francisco.... because yours kept being invaded by chicks…. Remember?”

 

Yeah… that day was fun. I also remember getting two of them back to my hotel. But that secret was going to die with me.

 

“Nobody wanted to invade  _ his  _ dressing room.... Poor Trace…” Everyone exploded in laughs. 

 

“But anyway, whoever the girl is, I hope she has a lot of patience because dating you ain’t gotta be easy!” He said, mocking me and it went straight to my insecurities about this whole thing with Gwen.

 

“And now you just made me single as fuck for the rest of my life!” I was laughing just to disguise my embarrassment. “No girl is ever gonna get near me after that, man…”

 

“I’m just calling like it is… But enough about this, let’s talk about The Voice! You guys just started shooting for the next season, right?” 

 

The rest of the interview flew sort of smoothly, talking about my upcoming projects and the new season on The Voice, but every once in awhile he would bring up something wild that I used to do. I was very aware that Gwen was at home listening to it and I knew I had screwed everything up.  

 

My day wasn’t done after the interview ended but I didn’t care. I needed to go straight to Gwen’s house and make sure she doesn’t break up with me. I heard steps when I rang the doorbell and soon after she opened the door, her face undecipherable. I never did the girlfriend thing so I have no idea on how to act when a problem comes. Especially when it’s my past. Not that I’m ashamed of it, I did had a lot of fun… But that was before I met Gwen. The last thing I want is for that to jeopardize what I’m living now.

 

She went to the side of the door to give me space to get in, but didn’t say a word. This was looking worse by the minute. She went to the kitchen without even inviting me but I followed her anyway. 

 

“Am I in trouble? How much?”

 

“You’re not a little boy, Blake. You’re not in trouble.” She sounded exasperated.

 

“But you’re not happy with me either.” It wasn’t a question. Even though I was new at this, I knew when someone wanted me to disappear from sight.

 

“Not so much, no…” It was hauntingly amazing how she could say those words and not appear mad at all. She turned her back at me and started making some tea for her. She had that in common with my mom; instead of giving in to the urge of killing me, they both made some tea to calm the nerves. 

 

But with Gwen I had a whole different set of tools to make her forgive me.

 

“We never had the conversation of what we were....” I slowly approached her, trying to decide if that was a good move or not. “I didn’t want to drag you into this world without at least talking to you first…”

 

Gwen put the kettle on the stove and turned on the heat, digesting what I said. Only after a couple minutes she decided to speak up. “When we are together, I feel like the most precious girl in the world. You treat me like a queen. I love that.” She stopped talking and looked at me, but her eyes weren’t smiling, despite the positive words. “But when we are apart, it looks like the entire planet wants to come between us… Every time your past comes up I find myself doubting my decision and I hate being so insecure like this…. I’ve been this way for too long.”

 

_ Oh no…  _ She’s gonna end this. 

 

“Don’t say this, Gwen…”  _ Please don’t give up on me… On us. _ “Not once since we started dating I gave you reasons to doubt me.... My past is my past, it was before I met you, unfortunately I can’t change it.”

 

“I know.” She lowered her head, leaning her hip against the sink.

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or to make it look like I was hiding our relationship… Please believe me....” Feeling bolder, I came closer and slowly hugged her from behind. She didn’t reject, and I kissed the top of her head. “If you want I’m gonna go to the roof of this house and shout it for the world to know how happy you make me.”

 

She laughed shyly. “I don’t think my neighbors would appreciate it.”

 

“I don’t care.” She snuggled inside my arms and I took it as a sign of forgiveness. “Hey, look at me.” She turned around inside my hug and I lifted her chin with my finger. “I love you. I thought it would be hard, but no, being with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. If I could wash my past clean, believe me baby, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Everything for you to not question what we have now.” 

 

“I know. And I love you too. I hate being so insecure....” I kissed her lips a little longer than I originally intended. “Did you really have to hide from girls invading your dressing room?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I should buy a gun, then.”   
  
“Probably.”

 

She gave me that “fake-mad” look, trying to hide a smile, and I answered it with my “grin-and-dimples” combo, a super effective combo. She was melting in no time. I leaned in to kiss her again but suddenly the kettle started whistling, a sign the water was boiling for her tea, and we both jumped apart, laughing. 

 

“How did it go at the studio today?” I asked, curious. She had been going down there everyday to work on her album, but was playing mysterious with me. I hadn’t heard a single song. Part of me knew I should respect her privacy, knowing that she will show me when she is ready… but another part of me felt left out. 

 

“I wrote two songs today… It felt amazing! No one in the room could believe how fast we were going.” She answered, pouring hot water on her tea. When Gwen gets excited, she does little jumps and giggles, which almost made her spill hot water on herself. Laughing, I approached her and took the kettle out of her hands, finishing the task so she could be free to gesticulate all she wanted. “I’m working with these two amazing writers, Justin and Julia, and they’re like a part of me already.. They know exactly what I wanna say.”

 

“That’s awesome, darling… I’m really happy for you!” I tried to hide my sour mood about the topic but I was a terrible actor.

 

“What is it?” She stopped and put her hands on her waist, facing me.

 

“Nothing, I’m just.. I’m feeling a little left out, that’s all.” I confessed, a little embarrassed. “But I know you’re gonna show them to me when you’re ready, right?” 

 

“I’m sorry.. I know you’re being my biggest supporter on this whole idea… I haven’t shown you any songs mostly because… They’re all about you.” She was tomato red by the end of the sentence.

 

“Really? You know that you made things worse now, right? Now I  _ really  _ wanna listen to them!” 

 

“I’ll show sometime.... Promise.”

 

“We’re good, right?” I squeezed her hands, giving her a questioning expression. “Right now nothing is more important to me than this, right here. I may have a lot of flaws but being a quitter ain’t one.”

 

“We’re good.” She smiled, nodding. 

“So can I confirm our relationship?” 

 

She nodded again and I picked her up on my arms, making her giggle and scream. Suddenly the air in the room changed and we ended up on her bedroom, her tea forgotten on the kitchen sink. 

  
  


I had to go home and pack for the weekend shows, but I did one stop on my way there: my manager’s house.

 

“Hey man, what’s up?” Brandon welcomed me, opening the door.

 

“I wanna start a new album.” I said, going straight to the point. I had no time left to lose. ”In fact, I wrote a bunch of songs and I wanna release this one as first single. As fast as we can.” I showed him the  _ God Gave me You  _ lyrics and he took a quick look at it, nodding agreeingly. “I know I don’t do this often, but this is important to me.”

 

“Ok…” He agreed. “I’ll schedule a recording session on Monday, right after you’re done with your work on the foundation. 

 

“Thanks man, I appreciate it.”

 

“May I ask why the rush?”

 

“I wrote this for Gwen. We’re dating. I wanna prove to her I’m all in on this. That I’m serious.”

 

“Gwen?  _ Gwen Stefani?  _ The girl that created John’s Garden?” I confirmed. ”Wow… She.. I mean…. She knows you’re dating her, right?” 

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Sorry, sorry…” He couldn’t stop laughing.  _ That bastard.  _

 

“We’ve been together for three months.”

 

“Oh.” He finally stopped laughing. “That’s a lot, coming from you.” 

 

“Yeah. I know. But that interview earlier today didn’t help. I wanna show everyone that I’ve changed, that this is for real. That old partying Blake was boring and, frankly, a little sad.” 

 

Brandon stood there just looking at me, as if he was seeing an alien in my place. “Wow… You really mean that.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m really glad to hear that.”

 

We spent a moment in silence, just knocking our boots on the floor and not really knowing what to say. It made sense that Brandon was so shocked by my sudden change of behavior. I was chaos. He had pretty tough times with me, his most problematic star. Every time I think about it, it makes me sad. How could I hurt so bad the ones that cared the most about me? 

 

Gwen had nothing to be afraid of. Only a lunatic would go back to that life. 

 

“See you on Monday, then. I’m gonna finish packing for tour this weekend.” We both walked towards the door. 

 

“See you.”

 

“Oh, almost forgot. Book me on Ellen as soon as the single is out. I have a couple of things to disclose.”

 

“Are you sure? You could talk to your PR Team and see wh-”

 

“No. This is not a PR stunt. This is me telling the truth about my life. I will do this my way.”

 

“Ok.”

  
  


It’s amazing how fast things work when you’re focused. Because less than 20 days later, I had a single to come out. Gwen was crazy excited when I told her, but a small part of her was scared too, about the consequences our relationship could bring. But we promised to go through this together. It was the least I could do for someone that changed my life so much. 

 

I was already on Ellen’s backstage when the host in person came to greet me, do a little rundown on what she could talk about on air. She was funny and genuine, that’s why I chose her to do this. 

 

“So, your manager told my staff you wanted to come clean about a few things?”

 

“Yeah. You can ask me about my single and what inspired me to write it. I’ll tell you everything.” 

 

“Alright. See you in a few minutes.”

 

I was tired of hiding. Tired of faking I was doing “volunteer work” when in fact I was paying for something I’d done. Tired of hiding the best part of my life because this bad boy act was selling more. I wasn’t the one to run and hide but yet I did it for too long. That ends now. 


	15. I wanna go everywhere she's been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, boy... do you guys remember this fic still? Well, I really hope y'all do. 
> 
> I had a rough patch with inspiration, personal problems and overall lack of time to write. i didn't have enough time to dedicate to it, and when I did, I sat in front of my computer and absolutely NOTHING came out.
> 
> Until Zoe, the angel she is, asked me about the about the plot and inspiration came flying by. I can never thank you enough, babe! I love you beyond words!
> 
> Also, this chapter is inspired by Reason to Love L.A. - Jason Aldean, that Anna showed to me and that I CANNOT STOP LISTENING EVER SINCE.

 

Well, here I was. There’s no going back now. I was here to tell the world everything, and weirdly enough. I wasn’t as afraid as I thought I was gonna be. Ellen was good people, one of the few in this industry. I chose her knowingly. 

 

I laid it all on the table. It was my “coming out of the non-gay closet” moment. 

 

“So, Blake, tell me about your new single. Was it really you that wrote it?” She started the new subject, holding up the artwork for the audience. 

 

“Yes, ma’am.” I confirmed, bobbing my head. “I wrote the lyrics and my friend Busbee helped me with the harmonies.”

 

“That’s nice… Some of these lyrics are.. Really something.” She tried to hide a smirk, because that was the understatement of the century. .”Would you mind sharing with us what inspired you?.Or..  _ who  _ inspired you?” 

 

“Well… it’s no secret to anyone that I wasn’t exactly the  _ easiest  _ person to work with. Now I realize that. I could tell you that ‘fame got into my head’, but the truth is, I was an idiot. A self-entitled idiot.” Some of the audience laughed, but I was telling the truth. “Being this way brought me consequences, things I could not get away with. Problems with the law.” 

 

“And that made you wake up?” 

 

“Nope. It honestly made nothing on me, until I had to do court-mandated volunteer work. And the job alone wouldn’t do it either if it wasn’t for  _ her.” _

 

_ “ _ Oh!” Ellen leaned in, interested. “There’s a  _ her _ ?”

 

“Isn’t that always the case?” I asked, laughing. I was so cliché, oh my fucking God. “Anyway… I think she was the only person to call my bullshit right away. She wasn’t impressed by my status and couldn’t care less about my fame. She didn’t give a damn about me… in fact, I think she hated my guts for the first few months we worked together.” 

 

“That’s not hard to imagine.” Ellen joked.

 

“I realized what a pathetic excuse for a man I was. I wanted to do better, to  _ be  _ better. And then, to impress her, I started working with the kids. And  _ that _ really made it for me. It quickly became about them. I wanted to see them improve, you know?”

 

“And the fact that a pretty girl was on the equation couldn’t hurt either, right?” Ellen asked, kinda rhetorically. But I didn’t let that go by. 

 

“Say what you want but working with those kids... it really changed me.” I replied, honestly. “But I guess you’re right. Having Gwen in my life made me want things that I could buy. Made me pursue things that aren’t things, you know?” 

 

She looked at me in silence for a second, and I was afraid that I’d said something really girly, but then, she smiled and nodded.

 

“Wow, you really like this girl.”  _ Why people keep being surprised by this? I was really that much of a dick?  _

 

“Yeah, she saved my life, in a way. So I guess you could say I really like her.”

 

“And you wrote this song for her?” Ellen enquired.

 

“Yeah, you know how sometimes words fail you, but if you think in a song it all comes out so much more smoothly? It was like that. I had this whole speech ready but it didn’t matter what angle I’d look at it, it was always cheesy and phony for me. So I put it in a song.” 

 

“And what did she say?”

 

“Well, she agreed to date me, so I’m guessing… she liked it?” The whole room explodes in laughs.

 

“Yeah, that’s a good guess.”

 

Needless to say, I had a very happy girlfriend that week. She loved the interview and  _ praised me  _ for my  _ honesty _ . I’ve come a long way, folks. 

 

Speaking of girlfriends, I was trying to give her some space, trying not to  _ monopolize  _ her so much. Which meant not sleeping with her every night. A lot of the time I’d spent alone in my room was thinking “that’s the stupidest idea someone has ever thought”. But it was worth it. Because  _ she  _ was worth it. Having Gwen as a girlfriend meant doing everything different that I was used to. Because she was a girl I’ve never had before. 

 

I’m saying all of this to explain why I woke up one of those nights with a breathless Gwen at the foot of my bed, scaring the living thing out of me. I might have let out a slightly embarrassing scream that made her giggle.    

 

“Someone needs to work on his surprised expressions.” She noticed, whispering. That little goof was making fun of me. 

 

“What the hell are you doing here, Gwen?” I whispered back.

 

“I wanna take you to a little adventure.” She answered in the same low tone.

 

“At 2:45AM?” I asked, looking at the clock.   

 

“Yes! I honestly thought you would be awake at this time. It looks like the old age is getting to you.” She whispered, half serious, half teasing me.

 

“Shut up.” I tried to look angry but she made a little face, with her tongue out, and that pretty much ruined my act. “Why are we whispering?”

 

“I didn’t wanna wake anyone.”

 

“I live alone.”

 

She giggled, slapping her forehead playfully. “Right.” She said, now using her normal voice. “Now, let’s go.”

 

I stood up, reaching for my pants on a chair nearby. I sleep in my underwear most of the time.  “Are we going to do something illegal?”

 

She looked at me, mysterious. “Maybe.”

 

“I knew you were going to be my ticket to jail, woman.” I answered, but I was sure it wasn’t anything like that. She was too much of a good girl for that. ”You know I’m still on probation, right?” 

 

“You’ll have to be extra careful, then.” It was all she replied before disappearing down the hall. 

 

Not too long after I finished getting dressed and came to the living room, only to find a very impatient Gwen stomping her foot on the floor, arms crossed and glancing at the clock. She was about to say something, probably mocking me for being a girl and take forever to get ready… It was amazing how well I could read her by now, because before she could say anything, I planted my lips on hers, only retreating when I felt her limbs relax, 

 

“I… forgot what I was gonna say.”

 

“That was the idea.” I answered and smiled, placing one last kiss her forehead. “Now, where do you plan to get me in trouble?” 

  
  


She drove us for about half an hour, zipping through the city like a bird. Despite my best efforts, Gwen didn’t reveal where she was taking me, so I embraces my imminent doom and shut up, anxious to know what my girl had planned that was so important it couldn’t wait till a more decent time. 

 

When we arrived at a random spot (well, random for  _ me _ , because she seemed to know exactly where she was at, and she turned her body sideways into the seat to face me. 

“So, I didn’t really bring a blindfold, so I’m gonna have to trust you. Do you promise to close your eyes until I say you can open them? It’s gonna be worth it.” She looked right into my eyes, hopeful. I wasn’t a big fan of surprises, but her eyes were so  _ puppy like  _ I couldn’t hold my ground. Accepting defeat, I agreed. She jumped and squirmed, hopping off the car. Before I could do the same, she was right there by my door, opening it. Once I was standing next to her, she told me to close my eyes and grab her hand. We walked sometime at the sidewalk, before entering a building, as far as I could tell by the sounds.

 

She greeted someone by the door, which made me a little bit relieved. We weren’t trespassing private property, afterall.  But that was the only sign of other people; after that it looked like we were all alone.

 

I tried to sneak a peek, obviously, because after all I am the  _ same old Blake _ , but it was so dark I couldn’t see anything. Smart girl, having the dark as plan B in case I didn’t behave. The only thing I could figure out was that I was at a big empty place, kinda like a movie theater after hours. 

  
It seemed like forever until we stopped and she told me to open my eyes, turning on a light switch behind me. 

 

We were at a stage of what it looked like a music concert venue. It was definitely bigger than the  

Theater we had at the foundation, but a lot more intimate and cool. It had a bar right in the middle of it, but everything else was empty to house the maximum number of people possible. Behind us, a couple instruments already hooked up on wires, a rug to help with the acoustics.. A place like that could host easily 4-5 thousand people. Perfect for Gwen to…

 

“Holy crap, you’re playing here! You’re playing here?” I asked, a little louder than I intended  I couldn’t contain my excitement.

 

“Yes!! This is gonna be my first concert to start promoting the album. They say it’s perfect because it can be folded and shut down to make it look like it’s always crowded, even if like only 300 people come, so…”

 

“Are you kidding me?! This is gonna be a freaking sold out concert!” I grabbed her and pulled her body to a tight hug, spinning her on the air. She screamed and giggled, jokingly begging me to put her down. But I just couldn’t. 

 

_ I was so DAMN proud of my girl right now.  _ My grin was seriously a mile long. 

 

“Baby girl, oh my God!” I said, when I finally put her down. “I can’t even… I don’t even know what to say, I’m so proud of you! I always knew…”

 

“It’s all because of you, Blake.” Gwen said, with a loving tone on her voice. “You gave me the push I needed to go after my dreams, to start writing music for myself instead of others…” She placed a hand on my cheek so carefully, looking at me with  adoring eyes I had to resist the urge to look past me to see if I had grown wings all of a sudden because I seriously felt I could fly.

 

She was wrong, though. It was never because of  _ me.  _ It was because she was finally free of that person constantly sucking all her powers. Once she was out of his claws, she was unstoppable. It was only a matter of time before her first album happened, whether I was in the equation or not. 

 

But, a little part of me will admit that it was nice to see her staring at me so thankful. 

 

“I’m blown away, dear…. Mainly because this place is  _ huge.  _ My first gig was a filthy hole with like 3 people wasted inside...” She laughed, throwing her head back. “You’re gonna crash it!” I emphasized, squeezing her hands. Gwen smiled, shy. 

 

“It all depends if I can sell enough tickets, right?” I looked at her with a grumpy face and she changed  the subject before I could say anything. “This is not the only surprise of the night, though! There’s more…”

 

“There is?” I asked, intrigued, while she went to the back part of the stage to pick up a guitar from its holder. She gestured me to go find a seat and put the guitar handle on her shoulder. This could only mean one thing…

 

“I really understood what you said about feeling left out from my songwriting process. But I felt so many things, I was afraid that you could hate the songs, think I was coming out too strong on you… I don’t know. But the more I wrote, the more I got to know you, I realized how much I was wrong. You’re my number one supporter.,. You believed in me when no one else did… And I know you’re feeling the same things I put into words on this song. So I really hope you like this. This one is called ‘Make me Like You’. 

 

The lyrics were funny and romantic at the same time, talking about how someone can enter your heart even though you didn’t invite them. It was exactly what happened with us. We didn’t plan on finding each other, we just  _ did.  _ She sang about how she was broken, but fine, because her heart was a mess, but it belonged to her. Now, it belongs to me. 

 

She had a witty and irreverent way to tell a story through a song, drawing you in and keeping you at her fingertips, drinking every note coming out of her mouth like the finest honey.

 

At the end of the song, both of us were smiling like the huge dorks we were, and I couldn’t even find the right words to express  _ how much  _ I loved that song. It was my favorite song I’ve ever listened too. She knew it by the silly look on my face, but that didn’t stop her from asking. 

 

“So… what did you think?”

  
I could be at a loss of words… but a guy has a  _ thousand  _ ways to express his love for someone. So I decided to take the better alternative. I glued our lips together and spent the next half an hour  _ showing _ her, right in the middle of the stage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of the chapter is inspired by this version of the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81SfmncOcvE
> 
> So, what did you guys think? Should I give up on this story? Tell me!!


	16. In the whole wide world of guys I must be the luckiest alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I’m back!! I hope you guys like this one!
> 
> I used Morning Light - Justin Timberlake ft. Alicia Keys and Heaven - Julia Micheals for inspiration
> 
> :*

  
_Three months later…_

All I could feel was a rush of wind going past me. I turned around and only the back of Gwen’s hair greeted me as she flew around the hall going somewhere, and going fast. She seemed happy, though, since the sound of her laugh tried to keep up with her but ended up being left behind, drawing a smile on my lips.

As quickly as she came, she disappeared into her office, leaving three puzzled looking faces as she went: me, Todd and Jill. Then, they both turned at me, raising eyebrows.

“Don’t ask me. I know as much as y’all do.” I said, but couldn’t resist the curiosity and followed Gwen through the same doors.

I knocked and she replied me to come in, and so I did. She was breathless but her grin was from a ear to another, beaming with happiness. I didn’t even know what was happening but I was smiling too; it was hard not to when she looked like the happiest girl in the world.

“Hey, Lightning McQueen, what’s going on? Why were you running?” She let out a big laugh at the nickname and came closer, her hands finding their way up my arms.

She took a long breath before saying “Tour.  TOUR!!” She screamed, jumping up and down like a kid on Christmas day. “The singles are going so well they want to book a whole tour for me. Isn’t that crazy?! My album isn’t even out yet!”

Of course it wasn’t a crazy idea. It was the most reasonable idea they had since her first concert, that sold so well nobody at the record label could believe it. Gwen seemed to have a legion following wherever she performed, because all her concerts so far were packed. She was a month away from releasing the full album and things couldn’t be better for her.

My heart could barely fit in my chest with love for this girl.

“It was only a matter of time before they ask, baby girl… Everyone is losing their minds over you.”

“You’re kinda obligated to say that, since you’re my boyfriend and all, but it’s nice to hear it anyway.” She dismissed my statement with a wave of her hand. I decided to try a different approach.

“I have an idea for you.”

“Yeah?”

“How about you do a listening party here at the foundation once the album is out? You can even make ir a charity event, to help raise awareness and even funds to the cause. I think people will flock over. It will be perfect.”

Gwen looked at me and gave me a simple smile, but such a beautiful, adoring one thar for a moment I thought I had said something really stupid. Then she kissed me and ran her fingers through my hair.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, cowboy… But I need to keep doing it.”

“You can start be kissing me.”

She laughed and pulled me closer, planting a kiss on my lips.

“Before you turn into a worldwide famous rockstar, you’re still up for our date tonight?”

“Yeah…” she played it cool, pretending she was too good for that. “I guess I can loose half an hour with you… it’s Tuesday, right?”

“Oh, your little rock’n’roll mind already lost the track of time. You poor thing.” She looked at me, confused. “Today is Friday, baby. June 5th.”

Gwen’s eyes were so wide that I thought they were about to fall off her head. She opened her mouth but no sound came out. What the hell was happening?

“Gwen, you’re scaring me. What the fuck is going on? What did you forget?”

“Today is June 5th? Does that date ring any bells?”

“Please don’t tell me it’s your birthday or I’m gonna kill myself for not knowing this.”

“No, mine is on October 3rd, silly. But today marks one year of your community service. Technically you’re not obligated to come here anymore. I was gonna throw you a party and completely forgot. I’m sorry.” She apologized, puppy eyes and all, but I didn’t want any of that.

“No, no parties or anything. The fact that I completed my service doesn’t mean anything. It’s not gonna change a thing. I’m still gonna come here and do my job as always.”

She nodded, content. “Is that because you’re dating the head of the foundation?” She squinted her eyes at me.

I strongly denied. Because it was simply untrue. “No. I mean, I love having this perk of dating you in my workplace, but I truly love working with the kids. In fact, I have an announcement.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Jake is gonna come up onstage with my during my concert here in LA on June 18th. Which is my birthday, since we were on that topic.”

“Seriously?” She was excited but I noticed a flash of worry in her eyes.

“I already talked to his mom, he’s also super into it… don’t worry. It’s all taken care of.”

“Okay then.” She nodded and smiled.

“You didn’t tell me why were you running here, though.”

“Oh, shit!” She jumped and circled back her table, apparently looking for a paper. “I have to go back to the label with some documents I needed to sign for the to kick off the tour thing. They’re waiting for me, shit!”

It was so funny seeing Gwen curse I couldn’t help it but laugh. She did not find it amusing.

“Leave the laugh for when I kick your butt if they fire me!” She scolded me, punching me in the arm.

“ They’re not gonna fire you. You’re their star. You can go Mariah on them and leave them waiting for hours and they still won’t fire you.”

“I would never. And how do you know who Mariah is?”

“They’re waiting…” I chanted, trying to avoid having to come clean about my little Mariah Carey obsession. I will go to the grave denying if you say anything.

“This isn’t over. See you at my place tonight?”

“Yeah! Knock them dead, sweetheart!”

  
Sometime later, we were at her apartment trying to cook dinner (well, she was cooking and I was distracting her stealing kisses every chance I got). Gwen was barefoot and her hair was up in a messy bun. I didn’t have my shit on, standing there just with some jeans. Whenever I grabbed her waist from behind, she would laugh and try to smash the wooden spoon playfully in my head to let her go. We were both tipsy from the wine.

Life was simple. Life was perfect.

“So, I was wondering…” she started, looking at the pot she was stirring, turning off the heat. “Remember that trip I told you I wanted to do?”

“The cross-country one, to raise awareness for mental health?” I asked while stealing a slice of carrot and leaning my hip against the counter.

“Yep.” She agreed, giving me the stink eye for stealing the carrot. “Do you think we could do it along the tour? Not as something for the media to see or anything, I just thought about bringing specialists with us. Visit a couple schools each city and talk to the kids…”

“It depends mostly of your schedule, how much time you’ll have in each city. But it could work.”

“I brought the subject at the meeting earlier, with the label. They seemed to love the idea.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about. Do you have the people lined up?” I gathered the plates to arrange the table for us to eat and placed them in the dining room.

“I have an idea, but I’m gonna talk to then in the morning. Already talked to Todd and Jen to take my place running John’s Garden while I’m away. Also…”

She stopped talking and I turned around to look at her. She was blushing. I gave her a questioning look.

“Does that offer still stand? The one you made on our first date. Because I was thinking about a honeymoon after the tour…”

You know that feeling when your life is in slow motion and you seem to have the time to feel all the emotions in the book? I just experienced that. First, the heart attack for hearing her talk about marriage. With me. Which meant she really loved me or at least I was bearable enough for the idea of marrying me not seem so awful.

After that, a hush of joy ran through my veins and the only possible outlet I could think of was to run naked in the neighborhood, which would probably kill the marriage thing. So I had to muster all my strength to play it cool and let only a smile appear.

Then, a little devil in me said “make her suffer a bit”. And of course I went for it.

“That’s your idea of proposal? No ma’am, where’s my ring? You kneeling on the floor asking me to marry you? I’m offended, you know?”

She opened up her mouth in surprise, but only for a moment, but her sassy attitude seemed to win the battle.

“Oh, I have to propose to you? Where’s the southern gentleman that wanted to woo me a year ago?” She crossed her arms, defiant.

“I already let out my intentions. You know from day one I wanna marry you. Now it’s your turn.” She was more and more pissed by the minute. I was having the time of my life.

“How is that any fair?” She asked, outraged. “I’m bringing up the topic now, saying that I want all those things… now is your turn again!”

As much fun as I was having, I decided to end her misery. With one quick motion, I swept her off her feet and placed her cute little angry butt on the counter. She let out a surprised scream and laughed.

“I hate you! I changed my mind, I don’t wanna marry you! Forget what I said!” She tried to sound mad but couldn’t stop laughing since I was tickling her.

“Oh yeah?” I stopped and look at her. A naughty smile on my lips giving away what I was about to do. “You say… you don’t wanna wake up to this everyday of your life?” I said while kissing her all over the place, specially on her weak spots. “Don’t you wanna be kissed as soon as the Sun comes out everyday?” I moved my hands a bit lower, going inside her shirt to reach her bare skin, “Don’t you wanna have every inch of your body cherished and loved?” I whispered and the air of the room changed in a heartbeat. It was playful and light before, but now it was sexy and rushed.

She tugged my hair and pulled my head up so she could kiss me on the lips, taking all she wanted without asking for permission. Well, who am I kidding? She had the freaking permission to take everything she set her mind to.

“Shut up, cowboy.” Her long nails traced a line in my jaw. “Your situation isn’t looking good right now.” Bossy Gwen wasn’t something I was used to, now that we were together. But I’ll be damned if it isn’t a hell of a turn-on.

“How can I make up to you?” I had zero problems on playing the submissive one occasionally, especially when she was so feisty.

“I’m guessing you have some ideas…”

“You bet.”

I grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it up through her head, exposing her electric blue lacy bra. She bit her lip, waiting for my next move. Oh, the things I wanna do with that sassy mouth of hers…

Since she was in a mood for biting, I started doing the same thing to the sweet skin of the base of her neck, and received a low grunt in response, proving I was right in my assumptions.

I got lower and the little region right above her bra was my next victim. She put her hands in my hair and threw her head back, enjoying the feeling of my stubble tickling her sensible area.

My hands felt free to travel and soon they landed on the button of her shorts. It was a bit hard to open since I was too busy kissing the living thing out of her to look down, but nothing impossible. She lifted her hips for the fabric to slide off of her and I took both shorts and panties all at once, I little rougher than I intended to. I wasn’t thinking straight enough to be a gentleman now.

I didn’t need to take all my clothes to get where I wanted to, so I just unbuckled and let the important parts spring free out of my boxers. With one long thrust, I was inside of her. We weren’t shy about having sex, but that feeling would never get old for me. No matter if it was the first or the third time of the day, it was always the same thing for me: I had to gather all my self control not to embarrass myself because it always felt like heaven for me.

I brought my fingers to play along with her clit and she practically screamed, locking her legs on my waist the way she knows it makes me see stars.

Five minutes later and we were both out of breath, holding on each other for dear life, coming down that high in the middle of her kitchen.

She would probably be gone for a year in tour. Our schedules would be crazy, but we could make this work. I could not believe she is thinking about being my wife.

_Shit, I have to put a ring on that finger before she changes her mind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m guessing 4 or 5 chapters till the end, so be ready! *Evil Lola lurks in*


	17. Been looking for something I finally found it right here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by Heaven - Kane Brown and Poetry - Wrebel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back!
> 
> I almost gave up on this fic, guys. I just didn't have the time or the energy to keep writing it anymore. But thanks to my angel, Zoë, and a few sneaky readers leaving comments and kudos here on Ao3, I decided to take a new approach and found my mojo back. This chapter is way longer than usual, and I hope it makes up for all the waiting. Please, leave your thoughts on the comment section! 
> 
> Love y'all endlessly :*

 

_ “You’re running out of time.” _

 

_ Gwen was smiling at me, at a distance. I extended my hand but she was just far enough so I couldn’t reach her. She was wearing a dress, a flowy white one, which I never seen her wear before. In fact, I don’t think she ever wore a summer dress like that. But here she was, looking like an angel, grinning and motioning me to come closer.  _

 

_ We were at the John’s Garden backyard, just the two of us. It was sunny and warm, a perfect day.  _

 

_ Something felt off, though. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it yet. Probably the serious tone in which the phrase was said, or the fact that Gwen was getting smaller and smaller, further away from me, no matter how much I tried to go after her. It was like I was walking on a treadmill, never leaving my spot. I yelled and asked her to stop and wait for me, but she just laughed and repeated “You’re running out of time.”  _

 

_ I was beginning to feel angry and started running towards her. “Why am I running out of time? Where are you going?” I asked, feeling a bit annoyed.  _

 

_ All of a sudden, the weather changed around us, clouds piling up and the wind rushing through me, making me shiver. I could hear thunder at a distance, and the smell of rain, the one I usually liked so much, felt like a bad sign now.  _

 

_ When I stopped to look around, Gwen disappeared.  _

 

_ I don’t know why, but suddenly I panicked about not seeing her, as if I was having a really bad feeling. I screamed her name, but instead of any sighting of her, I heard a twig snapping behind me. I turned around and met the barrel of a gun.  _

 

_ And behind it, it was Gavin.  _

 

_ “Your time is up.”  _

 

_ A sound of a shot. Darkness.  _

 

I woke up with a jolt, launching my body forward, sitting straight and panting. Sweat came down my forehead and my heart was threatening to break my ribs due to the pounding. I tried to take deep breaths, but the oxygen just couldn’t reach my lungs. 

 

It was just a nightmare. It didn’t mean anything. 

 

I looked around and didn’t see Gwen anywhere, which wasn’t no help at all to my anxiety. She was supposed to be sleeping beside me, just like last night when I closed my eyes. What time is it? 

 

I unlocked my phone to check the time. 07:30AM. She was an early bird. She was okay, probably sipping her morning tea downstairs as usual. She was  _ safe _ . It was just a silly nightmare because we had watched a bunch of thriller movies last night.

 

Somehow my brain was able to remember what was today. June 18th. My birthday. We watched a ton of movies last night because I asked for a low key Friday night, just me and my girl, so she could whisper “Happy Birthday, Cowboy” to me in her black lingerie at midnight. Said lingerie, however, short-lived, because it was now in shreds somewhere in my bedroom. Not that any of us would complain.

 

Getting out of the bed, I decided to put on some pants and go look for her, wondering if some kind of special birthday breakfast was in the works downstairs. Both my stomach and my dick were happy with that thought. 

 

I took a quick shower because I was all sticky with sweat from the nightmare, now a mere memory at the back of my head. I wasn’t one to be shaken by these kinds of things. By the time I brushed my teeth and walked down the stairs, I barely remembered the episode. 

 

The sound of laughs and two people talking made me stop dead on my tracks. Who was at home so early? 

 

“How can I help you, Mrs. Shackleford?” I heard Gwen ask.  _ Mom was here?  _

 

“Please, it’s just Dot. Shackleford is too big of a name to pronounce.” I didn’t see them, but I could swear I was watching my mom dismiss the subject with a simple wave of her hand. “Do you cook, dear?” 

 

Gwen laughed. “Just enough so I don’t starve.” I heard her say, in a somewhat apologetic tone. “But my dishes are spotless, though.” 

 

“Then the sink is all yours.” My mom offered with a smile in her voice. Silence followed, broken just by the sounds of the kitchen itself. The coffee maker brewing, some eggs and bacon frying, pans being washed. Two of the most important people in my life working together, even though I didn’t formally introduced them. 

 

Gwen had an easiness about her that didn’t mind the formalities. If she was mad at anything, it would probably be that I didn’t warn her that my mom could come. But like the diplomat she was, she must’ve shrugged it off and made acquaintance with my mom in a blink of an eye. 

 

I decided to stay put for a while, curious about what the two would talk. 

 

“Do you happen to know if he keeps any flour and chocolate chips in here? I was thinking I could whip up some pancakes for him when he gets up.” 

 

“Yeah, I stash them at the top pantry, right over there, along with other things. If I leave it up to him my breakfast here would consist on baking soda and ketchup, the only two things he keeps in his fridge.” My mom let out a solid laugh, because she knew it sounded like me. 

 

“Poor thing. I was indeed surprised when I found bacon and eggs there. Last time I was here all I could find was frozen pizza.” Gwen hummed, agreeing. Great, now they were bonding and probably conspiring to make me eat healthier. “What does he eat when you’re not with him?” 

 

“Takeouts, probably. I swear, I’m trying to make him order at least a salad, or something that doesn’t come in a wrapping paper, but that man is impossible.” See? This is gonna be terrible for me. 

 

“Stubborn as his father, since birth. I couldn’t get him to eat broccoli for the life of me.”

 

They fell into an easy, comfortable silence. 

 

“They are looking so fluffy, Dot. Mine always looks undercooked on the inside and burnt on the outside.” Mom chuckled.

 

“The secret is in the whipping. You have to put enough air into the dough so it doesn’t flat out in the pan. Make circular movements when stirring the fouet and you’ll should be fine.” She instructed, her voice similar to a teacher explaining something amazing to her student. “Here, taste it. See how it makes a difference.” 

 

Her offer was followed by a resounding groan of approval from Gwen. “Oh my God, I wanna eat this till the day I die. It’s so good!”

 

“That’s Blake’s favorite thing to eat when he’s home.” 

 

“Does he have a special birthday tradition?” Gwen asked. I heard a sigh. My mom’s, from what I could tell. 

 

“Truth be told, dear, this is the first time in a long time I’m gonna spend his birthday with him. Ever since he moved away from home, he comes with excuses and tour dates to be left alone from his family. I respect him, but that doesn’t mean I understand.” 

 

“What does he usually do?”

 

“Parties, mostly. At least until now. I mean, before you. You don’t seem the kind of girl he would drag to that world.” 

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

That was a pause. Almost as if she was measuring her words.

 

“My son was a lonely man. He was always surrounded by people, that nasty ex-girlfriend of his following him around like a puppy… But he was lonely in the sense that he couldn’t count on anyone, you know? There were parties for him everywhere, filled with people trying to take advantage of his success, but part of me thinks that he was embarrassed to share that life with us, with me. He knows how I feel about drinking.”

 

“Because of your late son?”

 

“Yes. But now, he seems like the boy he used to be. He calls me, every single week, and periodically texts me, something I’ve never see him do. That’s partly why I decided to surprise sim today. I think it’s the first time he’s not gonna shut me away. And I guess I have you to thank.” 

 

“Me? Oh no, I didn’t do anything.” I could hear Gwen laughing, embarrassed. “It was all his doing. Blake mentions you regularly but I just figured he had always kept in touch with you.” She stopped talking for a moment, before continuing. “Also, he is in love with the kids and wants to be a good role model for them. I played no part in this other than being an spectator.” 

 

“He also wants to be a good man for you. And I’m not guessing this, he used those words when he told me about you. Blake said he would never be worthy of you but he would be damned if he didn’t at least try.” Both women chuckled, and I did too, almost ruining my cover. “And I figured he was right, because he never,  _ ever _ , called me to ask directions on how to cook anything. Not even for himself.” Mom added, recalling my first date with Gwen. It didn’t help back then, because I managed to screw up the recipe. But she appreciated my effort, and now we’re here.

 

“He’s so dumb”, Gwen replied in a endearing tone. “Your son is an amazing human being, Dot. Drives me crazy more times than not…” both laughed, knowing she meant a good kind of crazy. I grinned like a idiot. “... but he’s loyal, kind, funny. He took the kids’ hearts by storm and now everyone wants to take music classes.” 

 

“Oh, I need to show you some pictures I brought of Blake when he was little. Has he ever told you he started singing in pageant contests?”

 

“What?!” Gwen exclaimed, shocked and amused. “No, he never told me that! Did he have to walk the runway too?”

 

“Yes, in order to sing he had to do the whole thing.”

 

“We’re talking like gala suits, traditional costumes,  _ swimsuits?!”  _ Gwen’s voice got higher and higher, trying - and failing - to hide a laughter. 

 

“All of that. He was the cutest bean, with that dusty blonde hair and blue eyes, all dressed up. Hold on, let me get my purse…”

 

Okay, that was going too far. It was my cue to come out and stop my mom’s evil plan to make me completely and utterly embarrassed. 

 

“Mom?!” I asked, going into the kitchen, pretending I was surprised. She stopped dead on the spot. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“Blake, darling! Happy birthday!” She threw her arms in the air, reaching out to hug me. “I came to surprise you! It’s been a while since we spent this day together, so I thought it would be nice to come here for a change, see your concert tonight and everything, if that’s okay with you.” She seemed almost nervous, as if I was gonna be mad at her. God, I used to be suck a prick. My own mother feared my temper. 

 

“Are you kidding me? This is amazing!” I hugged her again, lifting her off the ground. She squealed and Gwen giggled at the background. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you coming in, but allow me to formally introduce you to my girlfriend, Gwen Stefani. Mom, Gwen, Gwen, this is my mom, Dorothy.”

 

“Half an hour here and she’s already taught me how to make the best pancakes in history. I’d say we are pretty settled with one another.” Gwen stated, exchanging a smile and a knowing look with my mom, the kind of look my mom uses with  _ her  _ mother in law, after decades of coexistence. 

 

“Speaking of which, sit down, our special birthday breakfast is almost ready.” Mom told me, indicating a seat in front of the kitchen counter. Gwen poured coffee in a mug and handed it to me, leaning in to give me a kiss and whisper a “happy birthday, baby” when my mom wasn’t looking. 

 

“How’s Mike, mom? He didn’t wanna come?” I asked when she was fixing my plate. I know I’m turning 29, but the woman always loved taking care of me… and I like my pancakes with a smiley face on them. Sue me. 

 

“He’s great! Sends you his birthday wishes but he’s probably gonna call you later too. The auto shop was too busy with work, that’s why he couldn’t be here.” 

 

Mike was the guy who stepped up and took care of a family that wasn’t his. He was my hero for being so selfless. I loved him more than I loved my father. He wasn’t a man of many words; The only time I remember him saying “I love you” to me was after my Country Music Awards’ big night of 4 wins, when I flew both to be there with me. He told me how proud he was after a couple drinks and having this family, even if we were not his blood, was his biggest accomplishment. It took everything in me not to cry in front of him. It was when my first album came out, I was 20 years old. 

 

I know he wanted to be here as much as mom did, but one of Mike’s strongest traits were commitment and punctuality. If he told his clients their car would be ready at 5PM… come hell or high water, he would fix their vehicle in time. I couldn’t hold it against him. 

 

Also, there were the small, but significant chance that I would throw a fit and be mad with everyone for being here. He probably didn’t wanna ruin our relationship, or he couldn’t bare the disappointment, the realization that I became this selfish entitled idiot that didn’t care about anyone else besides himself. So much has happened after that CMA night… life happened. Success happened. And I let fame get the best of me. Maybe he didn’t wanna come so he wouldn’t see me that way, because truth be told, I was a mess when my mother last came, right after the car crash. But she is strong and, as much as she likes to say I inherited that from my father, she’s stubborn too. She’s seen me at my worst, and didn’t give up on me. 

 

“That’s too bad. Maybe after the tour finishes I could go down there and take him to that fishing trip he’s always nagging me about.” 

 

My mom’s hands faltered and her eyes widened, but she quickly recovered and put a smile in her face. Gwen noticed that too and raised an eyebrow to me, but I was just as puzzled. The only answer I could give her was a shrug of my shoulders. 

 

“That… would be very nice, Blake. He misses you a lot.” She said, barely hiding the surprise in her voice, and looked down with tears in her eyes, trying not to cry. She put the plate in front of me and there it was, my pancakes with a smiley face. 

 

That was it. That was the reason. She wasn’t expecting me to say that I wanted to come home, let alone spend some quiet time with Mike. She couldn’t believe, despite her best hopes, that I was really changed. And that broke my heart. 

 

“So, what do you wanna do today?” I asked mom, desperately trying to change the subject. “I have to come by the stadium later for sound check, but until then I’m all yours.” 

 

“Hmm, it would be nice to walk around LA with my baby, see the beach… but only if it isn’t much trouble. I don’t wanna keep you away from the kids.” 

 

“I think my boss can let me off the hook, right,  _ boss?” _ If you think I wasn’t gonna lace that word with naughty meaning, just because my mother was there, you don’t know me at all. I never miss an opportunity like this. Gwen blushed and pressed her lips together to hold back a smile.

 

“I think I can manage that.” She replied with a smile that I could  _ swear  _ it promised a reward for my boldness. I looked down, trying to suffocate a laughter, just focusing on my breakfast. “But the kids really wanna see you today, so can you stop by before soundcheck?” 

 

“Yeah, of course. Also, it will be a good opportunity for mom to see the foundation, right mom?”

 

She clapped her hands, ecstatic. “Oh, I’d love to!”

 

“It’s settled, then.” Gwen stood up, after finishing her meal, and put her dishes on the sink. “I should be going. Today is Halo Day and I wanna take her for a ride with her before anyone else does.”

 

“Okay. See you later, baby girl.” I said, just before she leaned in to give me a quick peck on my lips. I stared at her beautiful face for just a second longer, smiling, so comfortable in the moment because we’d do this almost everyday. 

 

But I didn’t realize it was the first time my mother was watching a scene like this coming from me. This domestic, normal,  _ whipped _ side of me. I only thought about it after Gwen said her final goodbyes and left. I watched her go and, after the door closed, I turned to my mom with a lingering smile still dancing in my lips and there she was standing, incredulous, like if she had just witnessed a miracle. My eyes went wide and her reaction worried me for a bit. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You love this girl.” She said, simply. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. 

 

“Yeah.” I replied in a heartbeat. I dinner need to think about it. “I’m crazy about her.”

 

“And I can see why.” 

  
  


* * *

 

 

We wondered for LA for what it seemed like an eternity. Mom did a little shopping and we stopped by the beach so she could see the ocean. After that, we had lunch in a quiet little restaurant before heading back to John’s Garden. 

 

We arrived in the middle of the last round of equine therapy with Halo, with Gwen watching it closely and cheering the kids as they went by. She spotted us coming in and offered to give my mom a complete tour around the facilities, telling her the story of how it all came together, from her friend’s suicide to her desire to help other in any way she could.

 

“That baby over there is our latest addition,” she pointed where Halo was, “And it was an wonderful idea that came from your son.” Gwen revealed, grinning. I blushed as my mom turned around to look at me, surprised. 

 

“Is that so?” 

 

“Yep.” She nodded, confirming. “He heard it could help children with depression and people struggling with substance abuse and thought it would be of a good use here. Technically, Halo is mine, since Blake gave her to me, but I happily lend her to the kids once a week.”

 

“So you bought her a horse.” Mom pointed out, with an indecipherable smile. “Interesting.” 

 

“What can I say? I’m from Oklahoma, after all.” I was done having people freaking out about this. Yes, a bought a horse for a LA girl, was that such a weird thing? She seemed to like it! 

 

I drove mom back to my house, so she could get some rest before the concert tonight. Since it was just the two of us, she felt free to ask the questions that had been dancing around her head since she got here. Mom enquired me about my music  _ “how’s the new album coming along?” _ , about the TV show “ _ will you be returning for another season?”, _ but as you can imagine, most of her questions were about Gwen and her work. 

 

I told her all I could without sharing the worst details, especially the ones about Gwen’s past relationship. All I said in that regard was that she was engaged to another man that didn’t treat her right and because of that she broke things off.

 

I also shared Gwen’s career as a songwriter and now as a singer; how she was so crazy talented and, at the same time, so oblivious of the impact she makes on people when she’s on the stage. That’s truly mindblowing to me. How can someone have the audience in the palm of her hand so effortlessly and not think about pursuing this as a career? 

 

“I’m glad she had you in her corner to tell her she was being crazy.” Mom added, with a smile dancing on her lips. 

 

“Me and Adam, believe or not. I introduced both and they immediately started writing songs together. He asked her to be featured on his next album, and that’s what pretty much started this idea.” 

 

“Oh, Adam! I miss him. How is he?” Adam was a suck up to my mom and she really loved him as if he was his own, because she always thought he was a good influence on me.  Poor, innocent mom. 

 

We arrived home and I went inside with her, just to get her settled in before heading to sound check. She went to the kitchen, probably to make some tea, and I went with her.

 

“He’s good. About to get married to Behati. Son of a bitch ain’t wasting any time to see if that gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model of a girlfriend is gonna realize she can do better and leave his sorry ass.” Mom let out a big laugh, mainly because, to her, Adam was  _ a catch _ . I rolled my eyes in exasperation just by the thought of it.” 

 

“I’m glad to hear that. It’s good for Adam to settle down. And Behati is the sweetest girl.” She took a deep breath before continuing and I instantly  _ knew _ something was coming. “Perhaps that wedding inspires you too?” She added throwing a look over her shoulder while filling the kettle with water. 

 

There it is. I cleared my throat, trying to regain ground after being called out so bluntly by my own mother. 

 

“I already did, mom. Our first date. I said I was gonna marry her someday.”

 

“On your first date?” She turned around and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“And she didn’t run away?” 

 

“She laughed it off and went with it.” 

 

“And you two haven’t discussed the topic since?” 

 

“She mentioned a wedding after she comes back from her tour but I demanded she goes down on one knee to propose.” I said it so casually my mom almost choked laughing. 

 

“Blake!” She exclaimed, outraged but amused at the same time. 

 

“What?” I asked and she simply snorted, as if it was obvious. “I asked her first, she didn’t think it serious. Now it’s her turn.” 

 

“From what you told me, it looks like it’s your turn again.” 

 

“Do  _ not  _ take her side!” I scolded, jokingly. “You’re  _ my mother _ , for God’s sakes!” She laughed, shrugging her shoulders with an apologetic smile. “And aren’t you supposed to be telling me to  _ take it slow _ , since we’ve been going out for a few months?”

 

“I know that, as a mother, I have to advise you to be careful. I’ve been saying this to you all your life. When you learned how to walk, then when you got your first bike, right until you moved to Nashville.” She stopped to think for a bit and I waited to see where this was going. “I should be telling you to take your time here, with Gwen, to make sure this was what you really want… but it’s written so clearly all over your face that it’s just pointless to ask you to go slow. It’s true what they say, _ when you know, you know.  _ So I’m gonna ask this instead: what are you waiting for?” 

 

I was speechless. She caught me completely off guard, and I didn’t know how to answer her. 

 

My mom and I used to be very close, right until I started to get famous. We were completely honest with each other, part of that because of what we went through with my father. We needed an ally and we found it on each other.  

 

But then it came Nashville and then LA, and I couldn’t tell her a lot of things because 1) she would scold me for being reckless, for drinking and partying too much and for putting my life in danger, and 2) would worry about me, and I didn’t want to be a burden in her life. 

 

This was an unexpected but welcomed side effect of getting my life together: the prospect of more of this conversations with the greatest woman in the world.

 

“She obviously adores you and her feelings are pure, honest. She makes you a better person, bringing out on you traits that were there all along, but you chose to hide over time, like kindness, humor, thoughtfulness. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see you buying horses for about anyone.” She added the last sentence with a smile and I laughed, shaking my head no.

 

“Not even for myself. But I thought it was gonna help the kids and it really did.”

 

She nodded, agreeing. “You both have your careers to think about but I don’t see it standing in the way of this love. Whatever y’all wanna conquer from now on, you can do it together.”

 

“Gwen is the type of girl I wanna make proud. You too, of course, but something about her... Sometimes I look at her or watch her do her thing and I feel like I’m seeing an old person inside a young woman’s body, you know?” I couldn’t disguise the adoration in my voice. I’m constantly blown away by her. “I wanna be like that too. I want people to look at me and see someone they can look up to, not just a playboy with more money he knows what to do with it.”

 

“Call me selfish if you want, but… I want her around for the same reason. So I can see you living up to your potential.” She reached for her purse and fumbled inside of it, looking for something, and pulled out a small jewelry box, placing in front of me. “That’s the other reason I came. Every time you talk to me, every time you call me unexpectedly or text me just because, I am more and more positive she’s the one. I can see the effect she has on you and watching you two together, seeing how she takes care of you, just made me completely sure. You should give her this.” 

 

I opened it up and saw my grandmother’s ring in there. My mom had used it when she married my dad, but after the divorce she just kept it hidden in one of her drawers. My sister had won a new ring from her husband so this one was for me to give it to my future wife. 

 

Unlike most engagement rings, this one had a sapphire in the center, adorned with little diamonds around it. It was thin and elegant, a simple silver band leaving the focus entirely to the blue gem on top of it. My grandma used to tell us the story of how grandpa was walking around town one day and noticed this ring at the jewelry store, sticking out from all the diamonds. He thought it resembled grandma’s eyes and wasted no time in buying it to ask her hand in marriage. 

 

It was an family heirloom worth so much more than the price of the precious stone it carried, and my mom would never have given it to me if she didn’t think my relationship with Gwen was serious enough. 

 

“Wow, this is…” I didn’t know what to say. “Thank you, mom.” 

 

“You have something good here, dear. Don’t let it slip through your hands.” 

  
  


* * *

 

We were just chilling in the dressing room at the venue of tonight’s concert, Gwen, my mom, my bandmates and I, when Jake and his family arrived. He looked like a pile of nerves. 

 

“Hey, buddy! All set for later?” I went to greet him and his parents. He was nervously fidgeting with his button up shirt. 

 

“There’s a lot of people outside, Blake. Are you sure I can do this?” His voice was trembling and I could see the worry in his eyes. I looked over to Gwen and she gave us a reassuring smile. 

 

“Of course you can! Are you nuts? We practiced this song for so long! It means a lot to us both, doesn’t it?” He nodded. “Then there you go. If you get nervous up there, just focus on the music. If you get really, really nervous, just look at me. If this dumbass can do it, so can you. Alright?” He laughed, a little more at ease. But I noticed he kept pulling his sleeves down, afraid that someone would see his scars. So I pulled him gently aside and squatted in front of him. 

 

“Hey, is that what you’re afraid of? That someone will see this and make fun of you?” He lowered his gaze and nodded. I pulled his chin back up so he could look at me. “Listen, imagine that out there there’s another little boy, lost and afraid, just like you were when it happened. Wouldn’t it be cool if he saw you up on that stage, showing the world that it’s okay if you have scars, because they mean you’re stronger than everything that tried to bring you down?” His eyes lit up. He never thought he could be an  _ example _ . “You don’t have to be ashamed, buddy. Because it made you a better person now. You learned from it and now you’re moving on, making music and living your life, right?” 

 

I was fully aware that everyone in the room was paying attention to us, but I didn’t wanna break the moment and make him self-conscious. So I just kept looking straight into his eyes. 

 

“Do you really think I could help someone else? Someone like  _ me?” _ His voice was barely a whisper.

 

“Buddy, you’ve been helping me ever since we started writing together.” I replied, meaningfully. “Don’t sell yourself short here.” I nudged him with my elbow, playfully, and he smiled. I got up. “I’m glad we had this talk. Now I’m gonna go out there and start warming up the crowd for you. Okay?” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

“See you in a bit.” 

 

It was an unforgettable night, for everyone involved. With Gwen and my mom at the side of the stage, I lit the place on fire, putting on a hell of a concert. When it came to Jake’s part, we simply knocked it out of the park. We had written a song together called “Friends” over a couple of weeks during practice and it was finally ready have a life of its own.  

 

“Alright, guys.” I started talking to the crowd. “I wrote this next song with someone really special to me, someone I have the great pleasure to call a friend, and I invited him today to sing it with me tonight. Everyone give it up to Jake Matthews!”

 

The 14 year old boy came out, with a tight grip on his microphone with one hand, but waving to the crowd with the other. 

 

“Ready to do this, brother?”

 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” He replied on the mic.

 

I smiled and gave the band an okay to start the song. It was an upbeat, fun song and I was very proud to have written this with him. Following the keys with my guitar, I sang the first part.

 

_ Oh _

_ There's a moment in this journey that I gave up _

_ My boots just couldn't walk another mile _

_ And that cloud above me had no silver lining _

_ I couldn't buy a break with my last dime _

 

He picked right up with his verse, belting with his strong voice, coming out surprisingly firm. 

 

_ Oh but when I saw you standing in the corner _

_ I'd never thought that you would have my back _

_ But then we rolled in like the thunder and the lightning _

_ Threw some punches then we had a laugh _

 

The crowd went wild and he let himself loose, enjoying the moment. I grinned, proud like a parent, having as much fun as he. 

 

_ Just some roughed up desperados _

_ Hanging tough through thick and thin _

_ Kicking up dust wherever we go _

_ I can see that you and me are gonna be friends _

 

_ Yeah _

_ Here we go _

_ Hey, hey you and me _

_ Different as different can be _

_ You like to rock, I like to roll _

_ You take the high, I'll take the low _

_ Woah, woah-oh, woah-oh _

 

We finished the song clapping and inviting the audience in to sing along. Jake was simply glowing with happiness, laughing and playing with me. He thanked the crowd and hugged me, squeezing me tight and whispering a “thank you”, in my ear. It made me tear up and I had to take a deep breath not to cry in front of a sold out stadium. 

 

Jake waved one last time and left the stage, practically jumping up and down, running straight to his mother’s arms. She was crying and laughing at the same time. His dad put his arms around them both, smiling from ear to ear, beaming with pride for his son. 

 

And not once, since he came to the stage, he looked at his wrists. 

 

-

 

After I wrapped up the concert, Gwen insisted that me and my mom went home on her car. She had that wicked smug on her lips, and as much as she tried to hide it, I could tell something was up. She took a “detour” that happened to be by John’s Garden, where she asked me to go check if the theater was locked up. 

 

It was the lamest excuse ever and she was a terrible liar, but her intentions were good, so I just shrugged it off and prepared my fake surprised reaction. 

 

Sure enough, there was a surprise party for me there, with everyone that worked in the foundation, along with a few of the older kids and their families. There were cake, a few beverages and people singing on the stage all the time. Adam, Bee and the guys from the band were there too.  

 

Jake came with his family too, telling everyone how we kicked ass with our song at the concert. He could not stop talking about it, and for once I saw the teenage boy he was supposed to be. Fearless, excited about life, with friends that had his back. 

 

His mom approached my side, gazing at her son too, fighting back the tears as she spoke. “His dad and I will be forever in debt with you, Blake. I don’t think I’ve seen my child so happy as I’m seeing now.”

 

“He has a long way to go. I’m just glad he let me in, be helpful.”

 

“When he came home with the song…” She started, her voice strangled and tears already running down her face. “I knew he was taking guitar lessons here because it came in the report, but he never played for us before. His therapist advised us not to push him, he would shows us when he was ready. When he showed up with the guitar and sat us down in the living room…” She trailed off, wiping away her tears and letting a sob escape her lips. “I cried all night after that.”

 

“I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to almost lose a child like that.”

 

“I brought him here almost hopeless… just because people kept telling me it would be good for him, but I just couldn’t see how he could go back to the happy, cheerful boy he used to be. He just  _ didn’t wanna live anymore. _ But now…” 

 

She took one more look to her kid, laughing with a few other boys his age, and suddenly turned around and hugged me. “Thank you. For saving my Jake’s life.”

 

All I could do was nod.  The words were trapped in the lump on my throat.

  
  
  


Gwen walked around the party with my mom, arm in arm, introducing her to a bunch of people and making her feel comfortable, at home. Almost as if they didn’t need me at all. 

 

Standing there, seeing her talk to my mom and take care of everyone around her… the way she carried herself around the room, stopping every now and then to see if people had enough drinks, or to chat here and there. She cared so much, had so much love to give. She had the power to make everyone feel special and cherished.

 

I realized my mother was right. What the hell was I waiting? 

 

“Gwen.” I called, once we sat foot in my house. Mom had excused herself and went to her bedroom, leaving us both alone. Gwen had gotten in before me, and had just slipped out of her heels, leaving them around carelessly, her back turned to me. She hummed a yes and lifted her head, demonstrating she was paying attention to me, but without turning. When I felt silent, she turned around, one eyebrow raised in a questioning look. 

 

“What?”

 

“Marry me.”

 

“What, now?” Her eyes widened and her voice got an octave higher.

 

“Not right now. The courthouse is closed. But first thing in the morning.”

 

I got the ring my mom gave me out of my wallet. I had put it there to be with me at all times, because who knows, the right moment could happen anywhere. And indeed it happened sooner than I anticipated. 

 

Time stopped. Everything around us went still. We were the only two people in the world, the only two that mattered at this moment. Just a guy, with his heart on his hands, asking for an eternity. A life together. Asking a girl he loves to stick with him even though he’s not perfect. Even though he screws up, a lot. 

 

And a girl on the other end of it. One that’s been hurt so badly before and sure as hell deserves so much more than what she’s getting, but willing to give this moron a chance. How everything in the world could point this girl to the other direction, tell her it’s too soon, that I’m just a player, that she was engaged to another man not a year ago. But also… how what we feel about each other is strong and unprecedented enough to shut it all down.

 

“I thought you wanted me down on one knee.” She crooked her head to the side and put her hand in her waist, a sheepish grin defying me. 

 

Once again, Gwen defied my expectations. She proved yet another time that she’s one-of-a-kind girl, because who in the world would think of that response when proposed to? If I were a girl, I’d definitely be sobbing and I’m man enough to admit that. 

 

“Stop being a smartass.” I scoffed with a smile, part of me in awe of this unique girl in front of me. Silence again. She just stared at the ring, eyes watering, the emotion of it all finally catching up to her. She took a long breath, not because she had doubts, but my guess is that she was trying to calm the storm inside her. I had a similar one brewing in me. 

 

It’s a scary thing, ask someone in marriage, no matter how certain you are of the answer. For a moment, even if it’s one split second, you’re standing at the edge of a cliff. All it takes is one short word to send you straight into the void’s arms. You’re afraid to even breathe because it can somehow start a  _ butterfly effect _ and shatter the chance you had to hear a  _ yes _ . 

 

So you just stand there, breathing caught up in your throat, one hand forward and a question lingering. _ Will you?  _

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah. Let’s do this. I wanna marry you too.” 


	18. Fire and pain go hand in hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so, so sorry.

“So…” Gwen started, snuggling closer to me in the hotel bed. She was naked underneath the sheets, which was my favorite kind of Gwen. “How are we gonna tell everyone? Are we telling everyone, for that matter?”

 

“I don’t know, Mrs. Shelton…” I answered, turning her on the mattress, sultry grin with my dimples on full display. I hovered on top of her and she giggled. God, it felt good calling her that. “What do you think we should do?”

 

We had eloped. Well, kinda. We didn’t run to Vegas or anything, and we had our parents (my mom and hers, along with her dad), Adam, Bee, Todd and Jen. We called everyone at like 8AM, half of this party still asleep, but they all dressed up and showed up.

 

It wasn’t a proper, formal ceremony. We just signed some papers, said a couple things to each other and exchanged the wedding rings that we bought on the way over to the courthouse.

 

It was magical. We didn’t need anything else.

 

We would still have a religious wedding, because Gwen’s dream was to walk down the aisle with her pale pink dress, being conducted by her father, with all our favorite people watching. But that demanded a little time to come together, so we’d have that after her tour. As for me, I’d walk on fire just to see her smile, so spending a day in a tux and making small talk with her third cousin didn’t seem like such a horrible idea.

 

But I couldn’t wait another day to call her my wife.

 

It was so crazy to me how it felt almost like a physical need, as if I would lose a limb if I didn’t have her. I caught myself fidgeting and barely had any sleep on the night before. There was nothing I wanted more than to see her with a wedding ring on her finger.

 

My mom’s reaction was somewhat interesting: she just nodded and smiled, knowingly, as if she had foreseen this outcome.

 

“You definitely took me too literally, but I’m glad you decided to do this while I was here, baby.” Mom said to me, reaching out to hold my hand. She reached for Gwen’s too. “Welcome to the family, dear.”

 

Thankfully, my mother understood our need to be alone and enjoy our… first day as a married couple, to say the least.

 

So I checked us both in a hotel, we turned off our phones and consumed our marriage… three times, just to make sure it was really consumed.

 

“I think we should tell.” Gwen replied to my previous question. “I mean, not making a fuss or anything, just not denying if anyone asks.” Her front darkened a little and she bit her lip, as if she was internally debating whether or not tell me something. She took a deep breath and I guess it was coming. “I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t wanna make you worried about it, but this…” she looked at our hands sporting a delicate - and matching - golden wedding rings. “changes things.”

 

“What is it?” I adjusted myself on the bed, just enough so I didn’t have to let go of my embrace on her, to look at her.

 

“Some people saw Gavin near the foundation…” My fists immediately clenched and she soothed my anger with her hands on my chest. “I’m sure it was nothing, he hasn’t been trying to get in touch with me for a while. But..”

 

She trailed off, but I got her point. Let’s not parade our love around because I don’t know how he’s gonna react. I hated that he still had that kind of power over her, over us. He should accept and move on, especially since he treated her like garbage when he was with her. I shouldn’t have to factor this douchebag into my happiness.

 

And damn, I was happy.

 

I decided that Gavin was not important right now. We could deal with him later. For this moment, all I wanted to be was a man who managed to get the love of his life to marry him. A lucky bastard that could call Gwen Fucking Stefani his “wife”.

 

“Is it too soon to talk about where we’re gonna live?” I asked in a low voice, changing the subject.

 

“Hmm…” She hummed, trying to think of something.

 

“We could get a new place…” I offered and she winced. Gwen hated house-hunting. “Or you could just move to mine. I know it’s my bachelor pad, as Adam always says, but I’m so used to seeing you there… it almost feels like it’s home for both of us now. There’s a little bit of Gwen in every room.”

 

She gave me a girlishly smile. “I really like that house.”

 

“You can redecorate, remodel… do whatever you want with it. I don’t care, as long as you’re happy.”

 

“Okay.”

 

I caressed her cheek, pushing a strand of her hair away from her beautiful face. She had this loved up expression, looking at me like I was the best damn present she’s ever got.

 

“Are you happy, baby girl?” I asked, genuinely interested, and only partly afraid of the answer.

 

“So happy, cowboy.” She bit her lower lip to hold back a giggle. “Or should I say… husband?” I let out a moan,  grinning and closing my eyes. I felt like a teenager with too much power on his hands. We shouldn’t be allowed to get married when we couldn’t even say the words husband and wife without throwing a fit of giggles. But it felt so surreal. It should be illegal to be this happy.

 

“Will it ever get old? You calling me that?”

 

“I hope not. I like the butterflies on my stomach when you call me Mrs. Shelton.”

 

“Mrs… Gwen… Shelton…” I whispered to her body, pointing every word with a kiss, trailing down from her jaw to her neck while she took a deep breath and grabbed a fistful of my hair. “My… beloved… wife…” I continued, venturing even further down. “The… reason… I…  am… alive.” I stopped right above her belly button and she gently tugged my head up so she could look into my eyes. Hers were teary but warm and loving, full with promises of her own. Her hand came down my cheeks and her thumb gently caressed my cheek. I put one hand on top of hers and pulled it to my lips so I could kiss it.

 

It was one of our most intimate moments.

 

Of course we were naked and very satisfied after all that mariage-consuming sex, but it was more than that. Everything we’ve been feeling up until that point was being said with our eyes and gestures. Every touch told a story. Every gaze was a love letter I would never get tired of reading.

 

Unfortunately, we couldn’t avoid reality forever. As much as staying in our newlywed bubble had been fun, we had things to do. She had to start promoting her album and take care of the foundation, while I had a new album to curate and record.

 

Also, I had a bomb to defuse. A small, blonde and fiery bomb, who was not happy at all to know about the wedding afterwards.

 

RaeLynn came to see me on equine therapy shortly a week after we got married, and I kicked myself mentally for not telling her sooner. She had every right to be pissed at me and I had no idea how to fix this mess with her.

 

“Married? You got freaking MARRIED and did not tell me? Have you lost your mind?”

 

“Rae, I’m so sorry, I’m a jerk!” I rushed to tell her, lifting my hands up in surrender. If her eyes had lasers, I’d definitely be in pieces by now. “It happened so quickly and you were upstate… then I figured it could wait till we saw each other in person… please don’t be mad at me! Ouch!” She hit me in the arm and, for someone so small, she had a lot of strength.

 

Rae took a deep breath, still furious, but the fire was giving signs of dialling down a notch. “I had to know this from Adam. Adam!” She whimpered, stomping her foot on the ground. “He got to be there and rub it in my face. Not cool!”

 

“I’m sorry, Rae… I really am. I just couldn’t wait to marry her.” I said it with a smile and she shook her head, not being able to stay mad at me for very long. “How can I make it up to you?”

 

As soon as those words left my lips, I regretted them. Her eyes went wide open and her smile went bigger with a mischievous twist. I was, positively and unequivocally, fucked.

 

“Oh, Blakey dear… you owe me. Owe me big. We’re talking godmother-of-your-firstborn big.” Rae punctuated her words with little nudges on my chest and I began to calculate the odds of being alive to see my child grow. Very little, considering that Rae would kill me if I didn’t do it, but if I’d agree with this without consulting Gwen, she’d be the one to end my ass.

 

“I have to talk to Gw…”

 

“BLAKE TOLLISON SHELTON!” She yelled, cutting me.

 

“Fine!” I caved, looking scared and only partly pretending. “But if my child grows without a father, you better be the best damned godmother on Earth because it will be your fault!”

 

“Nonsense.” Rae waved her hand at me. “Gwen adores me. And I’ll be a great godmother. In fact, would you hurry up and make a kid already? I’m eager to start passing my knowledge along to the next generation.” She said that in a pompous manner, inflating her chest and closing her eyes with a cocky smile and I almost ran out of breath from laughing too much. She slapped the back of my head, angry, but in the end we were both laughing at the absurdity of it all.

 

I was married. Talking about kids. Who would’ve thought?

 

After the laughter died down, she looked at me, serious this time.

 

“So… married.” Rae started.

 

“Yep.”

 

“Listen,” here comes the sibling talk. “I know I give you a hard time… but I’m so beyond myself with happiness for y’all. I truly am.” I looked at her and nodded.

 

“Happy that I finally settled down?”

 

“I don’t think you’ve settled down…” Her expression was pensive, analytic. “But rather… found someone to run just as wild with.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

At the end of the day, Gwen and I went home - our home now - to have dinner before driving my mom to the airport.

 

My mom was a bit different, apprehensive, and that worried me.

 

“Mom, spit it out.” I asked, as soon as we sat at our dinner room table. “I can see the smoke coming out your ears. Just tell me what’s bothering you.” Gwen shot me a scolding look, but didn’t intervene.

 

My mom twisted her fingers, still indecisive about what she had to say, but decided to go forward anyway. “It’s… your father. He reached out to talk to me. Asking for forgiveness.”

 

My mood immediately went sour. I rolled my eyes and cursed under my breath, wishing this man would just leave my family alone. I didn’t want any kind of relationship with him and I couldn’t even begin to think about talking to him again, let alone forgive him. My mom spent years suffering in his hands. I was surprised that she even answered him at all. “What did you say to him?”

 

“I… listened. He seems really regretful. He came here this afternoon while you were at the foundation, and we had a long talk.”

 

“What?” My voice came out a little higher than I’d like and both women in front of me startled on their seats. “Why would you put yourself through that, mom? You don’t owe that guy so much as a look at his direction.”  

 

“Life itself made sure he got what he deserved, son.” She pointed out, using a more firm and assertive tone. She was fed up, I could tell by the way she was cutting her steak with extra strength. “I don’t have to do anything to teach him a lesson or hold him accountable because God already took care of that. He’s really sick, you know?”

 

“So he told me.”

 

“He doesn’t have much time left.” She looked at me and landed her fork on the plate. “Look, talk to him, don’t talk to him… the choice is yours. I chose to forgive him so he could move on, like I did years ago when I met Mike. But I’m not gonna ask you to give your forgiveness to your father. We can’t give what we don’t have.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I fired back, angrily.

 

“Well… Even after all those years, you still hold a grudge for the things he did to you, to us. You can give him peace of mind if you don’t have that for yourself.”

 

I knew she was right. That didn’t mean it was easier to hear. I stayed in silence, because I didn’t really have anything else to say.  My father was not someone I’d like to have back into my life, no matter how short his time left was, or how changed he claimed to be. Because every time I thought about him, all I could remember was those nights I’d go to back with my back burning from the beating and the times I’d listen to my mom muffle her sobs with a pillow.

 

Gwen and I stayed at the airport, watching through the big windows, until my mom’s plane was high up the sky. When there was nothing more for us to see, we went to my truck arm-in-arm, an unusual silence between us.

 

My wife was not a woman of quiet solitude. She was a force of nature. You know how before tsunamis hit the beach there’s always a time with no waves at all? When everything seems too peaceful? That’s exactly how life with Gwen was. Silence meant a death trap and you stood no chance.

 

The ride home seemed to last an eternity, because none of us said a word.

 

I dropped the keys on the bowl next to the door and she went inside, leaving her shoes by the wall. Some of her personal belongings were here and there, mostly pictures of dearest ones and other objects she couldn’t live without. We were in no hush; we had the rest of our lives to make this place our family home.

 

She took one of her portraits on her hands; it was a picture of her and her father when she was a little girl, no older than 10.

 

“Every time I hear you talk so hurtfully about your dad, I think about mine… and my heart breaks for you. I don’t ask many promises from you, Blake. I’ve always kept things simple and right on plain sight. But I’ll ask this from you: at least don’t burn your end of this bridge.” Before I could protest, she rose her arms, asking me to let her finish.  “I’m not saying to forget everything he did. I’m not even asking you to forgive him. I’m asking you to promise me you’ll try. Life has given you a second chance, Blake. You took that opportunity and look what you made with it. That old Blake from a year ago would never be married with me right now if he hadn’t decided to change. The very least you could do is to extend the same courtesy to your father. You never know what can come out of it.”  

 

I was taken aback by her speech. I never thought about it that way.

 

See? Once again, the tsunami I married came crashing down on me.  

 

“I know what can, what will come out of it.” I ran my fingers through my hair, exasperated.

 

“Blake.” She softly said my name, demanding my attention.

 

“He’s only gonna break me down again, Gwen. I’m not sure I can take it.”

 

She put the portrait down and closed the distance between us. Her kindness and sweetness were much harder to fight than anger and stubborness. One by one, my guns were laid on the floor and I stood in front of her completely unarmed.“I took a leap of faith on you.”

 

I nodded. “You did.”

 

“And I haven’t regretted it since.”

 

“Not even right now when I’m being difficult and pedant?” I smirked, rubbing her arms. She smiled too.

 

“Nope.” Her eyes were crystal clear right now, and her gaze pierced through my defenses. “I have faith on you, Blake. Look how far you’ve come. You can do this.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Happy one month anniversary, baby.” I reached out with my lips first, eyes still closed, to give her a little smooch before the day starts. But I met the pillow instead of my wife.

 

“Humpf.” This was her response. A grump. She hid her face under the covers and cried out some more, and for a minute I thought it was about our anniversary, but I quickly remembered: today was also album release party day.

 

“Are you nervous?”

 

“Humpf.” Another inhuman sound.

 

“You don’t need to be. You literally wrote those songs. The party is at the foundation. The audience loves you no matter what.” I rubbed what I assumed it was the top of her head from over the covers, trying to lure her out of hiding.

 

“Humpf.”

 

“Gwen, baby, I’m gonna need you to use actual words, okay?” I used my sweetest voice and she finally peeped from the hem of the comforter, unveiling only her eyes like a little kid. “C’mon, talk to me.”

 

“I’m scared. What if I mess up?”

 

“Impossible. And even if that manages to happen, we still are gonna love the crap out of this show.”

 

“I have this weird feeling. I think I’m gonna do something wrong.” Her face was completely out of the covers now and I pulled her to my chest. Kissing her forehead, I rubbed my thumbs on her cheek and gently lifted her head so I could kiss her lips.

 

“You’re not gonna do anything wrong. You’re just gonna hang out with 200 of your closest friends…” she tried to duck out under the covers again but I didn’t let her. “...and sing your new songs. There’s literally no way you can screw this up. Okay?”

 

“I love you.” She kissed me tenderly and deeply. “Happy one month.”

 

“Happy one month, baby girl.” I smiled and playfully slapped her butt. “Now off to shower, you have to kick ass later.”

 

Gwen giggled and got off of the bed, pulling my arms with her. “Will you join me?”

 

“You don’t even have to ask.”

  
  


I’ve hosted and participated in quite a few album release parties, but this was my first time organizing one of them. Gwen was a pile of nervous mess so I sent her packing with Jen to get ready on the dressing room while I took charge of the assembly crew.

 

Gwen decided to do her concert on daylight, out in the open space we had next to the garden. It was the perfect setting for her, even better than the auditorium. She wanted a chill, fun vibe, and it would be perfect with the sunset. Youtube would broadcast it live in a few hours and the label was also recording it to release it later as part of her promo. They would also record an acoustic version of Make Me Like You, her first single.

 

A little before we opened the gates for everyone to take their seats, Gwen came out to do a last dress rehearsal to a series of small videos the label wanted to shoot.

 

She was the perfect mixture of angel and badass, with a white corset with a red heart on it, black shorts, fishnets and thigh high boots. She could save you or send you to hell all in one flicker of her lashes, and as a result I spent a whole minute with my mouth open, not able to form coherent thoughts.

 

Gwen let out a shy giggle when she saw my dumb face and reached out to kiss me, extending her arm to touch my face. But right before our lips met, we heard a commotion and screams, and both our heads shot straight to the noise.

 

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

 

“Well, if it’s not the golden couple of America!” His voice came loud, sarcastic, coated in a slur of alcohol and who knows what else.

 

Gavin was walking errantly towards our direction with a small gun on his hands, drunk out of his mind. Gwen widened her eyes and my first instinct was to put my arms in front of her.

 

“Aww, that’s cute, cowboy. You’re trying to protect your wife.” Gwen shivered by my side when he said the last word. “That’s right, I heard. And I cannot believe you left me for this redneck from NOWHERE, GWEN!” Gavin screamed and shook the gun threateningly, getting closer, and Gwen gasped.

 

There were a lot of people in the premises, all frightened and too scared to move, so they were just looking at the scene. He could fire that damn thing and hurt someone. So I tried to steady my voice and talk to him. “Okay, Gavin, I know you’re here for me, so just let Gwen and the others go and we can talk, right? You don’t have to hurt anyone.”

 

Gwen immediately protested by my side but the sound of Gavin’s laugh cut her. “You dumb prick. I don’t fucking care about you!” Every wiggle of that gun took about five years of my lifespan. I was terrified that he would accidentally shoot the damn thing and hit someone. I was terrified he would purposely shoot it and kill somebody. “I’m here so Gwen can take me back and leave your sorry ass. You don’t deserve her!”

 

“Okay.” I heard Gwen’s voice say, calmly, as if all of this was just a play. “I’m gonna stay and we’ll talk. But everyone else can go, right?” She took a step forward towards him, cautiously, to test the waters. I grabbed her hand before she could go any further.

 

“What are you doing?” I whispered worriedly. My eyes were wide with fear to let her go. Every step towards his direction was a step away from me, away from where I could shield her.

 

“What I was born to do, remember?” She said it back, putting a hand on my chest. I covered hers with mine. “Let me do this. I can talk to him. Take everyone away from here, quick.”

 

“If you think for a second that I’m gonna leave you alone with him…”

 

“Blake, please.”

 

The way she said the last word… she was terrified too. Scared that he would hurt me. Scared that she couldn’t control the situation if I was near.

 

“I’ll be fine.” She said, the belief in her voice contradicting her eyes. “Just go.”

 

My heart was screaming no, my brain insisted this was a bad idea, my guts were twisted in knots…. but my legs obeyed. I took one step back, and than other, and other. She looked one last time at me and turned around to face Gavin.

 

Just like what she did with Thomas, on what it seemed like two lifetimes ago, she captivated Gavin’s attention with her soft words. Gwen told him stories about how he was gentle and sweet with her in the beginning, how they were young and in love, to distract him from what I was doing.

 

One by one, I grabbed everyone that was there and took them to safety. Once I arrived at the gates with them, I saw Todd and Jen with a group of people, making their way to the show.

 

“No, go back!” I yelled, making gestures with my hands to catch their eye. “Call the cops, and stay here!”

 

“Why, what’s happening?” Todd asked, instantly worried.

 

“Gavin is here with a gun! Call the police now!” I shouted, running backwards after the last guy from my group went past me.

 

“Where are you going?” This time it was Jen.

 

“Gwen is there with him!”

 

I heard them gasp and move as I turned around to go back, silently praying to every God I’ve ever known to protect her from him.

 

Please, please, let her be okay.

 

Gwen was practically in the same position she was before, standing in front of him with a pleading gesture, halfway through him. One of her legs was in front of the other, as if she wanted to come closer, but something on his expression prevented her to do so. They were near the stage, but on the ground, amongst the sound system.

 

I stood near the trees, scared to come closer and disturb what she was trying to do, but terrified to be too far away and not be able to do something if it comes to that.

 

From where I was, I could hear parts of the conversation. She was trying to get him to turn down the gun.

 

“We don’t have to do this, Gavin… you said you loved me, remember? If you love me, you wouldn’t hurt me, would you?”

 

“I made you hate me… you were mine and I made you walk away…” He was crying, rambling and hitting the barrel of the gun on his own head.

 

“No, I will always love you… we just… we didn’t work out. It wasn’t meant to be.” She tried to pacify the situation. “C’mon, don’t cry, I’m not worth this! You’re gonna ruin your whole life just because of me? No, please… there’s still time to make this right. Please?”

 

“You’re… so good to me, little flower… you’re always putting me first....” Gavin said, between sobs. “How could I let you go?”

 

“You have your whole life in front of you, you’re gonna find the one you’re supposed to be with. It wasn’t me, I’m sure of that.” Gwen tried to sound cheerful. “You’re gonna make it big with your band and I’ll be nothing more than a memory to you.”

 

“They kicked me out.” Gavin cried.

 

“What?”

 

“They… the band said I was drinking too much…. Screwing the concerts… they kicked me out and got another guy to sing in my place.”

 

This was bad.

 

“Oh.” Gwen was surprised.

 

“I can’t do anything without you, little flower… I’m just…” he trailed off, shaking the gun one more time while wiping away his tears.

 

“But now that we’re talking, we’re figuring this out, you’ll be able to get past this. It’s just a rough patch, you’ll be back on your feet in no time and they would love to have you back. You’re the heart of that band!”

 

Gavin completely lighted up when she said that.

 

“I really am, aren’t I?”

 

“Yes! Of course you are. They would be crazy not to have you back. In fact, once you’re all better, I bet they will crawl back begging you to come back.” It was amazing how could she fake that cheerfulness on her voice. Gavin was buying every word.

 

“You’re right.”

 

“See? There’s so much for you to look forward to. You’ve just been focusing on the wrong spot.” Gwen extended her arms to him. “Now, can we please drop this gun? It’s making me nervous. Please let it here so we can talk a little bit more in private. How about that?”

 

It looked like he was about to do what she asked. It really did.

 

But then, the police sirens kicked in. And his face got completely twisted in pain. Gwen took a step back.

 

“You… bitch.”

 

“Gavin…”

 

“You called the cops on me!” All that sadness from before was completely gone. Only anger was taking place on his expression. I started getting near them, in case I needed to intervene. “And now you’re gonna go back to your perfect husband, to your perfect little life, and I’ll be behind bars because of you! Bitch!”

 

“I didn’t call anyone, I was right here with you all the time, remember?” Her voice was high and shaky. “We don’t have to do this. We can just tell them it was a mistake, someone must have seen the gun and called them, but you’re not gonna go to jail, okay? We can figure this out.”

 

Gavin lowered his head, trying to think his next move. Gwen took the opportunity to get further and further away from him. She looked over her shoulder and saw me right behind her and decided to run.

 

It was right when Gavin looked up again.

 

“If you’re not mine…”

 

One more step, baby.

 

Just run straight to my arms, I'll keep you safe.

 

C’mon, you're almost here.

 

It all changed with a heartbeat.

 

One second she was looking at me, signs of relief for being so close to me already showing on her beautiful face.

 

On the other, a loud pop, and her face got twisted with pain. Her white corset showed a small red stain, that grew bigger and bigger… Gwen led her hand to the stain, barely registering what had happened before falling in front of me.

 

She was so close, so close…

 

I ran to her, picked her up on my arms, refusing to believe this was actually happening. If I let myself believe that she was shot from the back and the bullet had ran across her body, coming out at her stomach, it would be true and she would die. So I ran towards the emergency room down on the main building with her in my arms, without thinking.

 

I heard another gunshot and for a second I thought I got hit too, so I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. It didn't come. So I turned my head around and saw Gavin’s brain scattered on the floor, his lifeless body falling down like a doll someone had dropped. I looked around there were cops getting near him, so I don’t know if the bastard shot himself of got killed by the police.

 

Gwen shivered on my arms so I turned my attention back to her.

 

“Gwen, do not close your eyes!” I said to her, already feeling her going limp on my arms. I shook her a little bit and held her closer, her head next to my neck. “Everything is gonna be okay, baby, just look at me, alright? Please, PLEASE, GWEN!” I yelled, terrified of the color of her face, white as a piece of paper.

 

“Blake…” her voice was nothing more than a whisper.

 

“No, we’re not doing this. You’re gonna be better in a second. You’re gonna stay with me!”

 

I reached the emergency room we had at the foundation and bursted into the building, screaming for the doctor on call. They were pretty fast, taking Gwen off my arms and immediately starting working on her. Here it wasn't a big hospital nor they were prepared for this kind of situation, but they could at least stabilize her, right?

 

I looked over myself and gasped to the sight of blood. So much of it, everywhere… my shirt was completely red, my arms were dripping, as if the blood was coming from my veins. She lost too much blood. I panicked, screaming that she couldn’t die.

 

The reality was slowing sinking in as the nurses and the doctor worked over the bed Gwen was at. I ran my fingers through my hair, starting to panic. I only realized I was crying because my sight became blurred and I had to rub my eyesto see straight again.

 

Oh God, no. This wasn’t happening.

 

I just got her.

 

Gwen is going to be okay.

 

Everything is going to be okay.

 

At a distance, I could hear the ambulance coming, the sirens going at full volume. Someone must have called them and I’ll forever be grateful for that. In a matter of seconds, they parked in front of the building and the paramedics rushed to get Gwen. They tried to stop the bleeding, at least is that what I think they were doing, and got her ready to be transported.

 

After that, it was all a blur of paramedics, ambulance rides, blood. Her hand going cold on mine as I refused to be apart from her. A beep on the monitor going flat.

 

Pain. So much pain. I felt myself going insane with it.

  
  
  


 

So, yeah. Now you understand why I was standing at the wrong end of a gun, talking about my fucked up life. I apologize if I made you believe that the blood on my shirt was mine. It wasn’t.

 

But by judging by the pain I’m feeling, it might as well have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s one more chapter.


	19. All the love you left me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, guys, this is the last chapter of this story. Thank you for enduring my lack of inspiration and personal problems that drove me away from writing this. It's because you guys never gave up on me that I was able to finish this. This story is deeply personal to me and some parts are based on real-life events (the scene where Gwen convinces Thomas to not jump and the aftermath with Blake, as well as pretty much half the things Blake says on this chapter happened to me - but I was Blake). 
> 
> The person I based Gwen on passed away in 2008, although it wasn't as traumatic. He was sick, but I couldn't bring myself to write Gwen with cancer, so I changed that part a little bit. I learned so much during that time with him that I felt the need to write everything down. Maybe it can help somebody else too. I never imagined so many positive responses from you guys regarding depression and suicide, and I'm eternally humbled by that. 
> 
> So thank you for sticking around and enjoy!

**Months later** …

 

“So, here I am. Today, I’m not gonna yell or cry… well, I’ll  _ try _ not to cry, but you know how I’ve been failing this challenge since you first got here. But today, I’ll do my best. Today, I just want to talk to you. 

 

Because I’ve noticed I’ve been coming here just to miss you… to tell you how much my life is unbearable without you; to wish you’re here with me still. I realized I’ve been wasting precious time, because you were my best friend and partner in crime, and I don’t see why I can’t keep talking to you about my day. You always had this habit of  _ silently guide _ me to the best direction, sometimes a with a little less  _ silence _ and a lot more  _ guidance _ , if you know what I mean… but this will work just fine. I miss you, baby girl… And talk to you, even if it’s via tombstone, will give me the sense that you’re right here with me again. 

 

Hell, maybe you are. 

 

Where do I start? Oh, okay. You didn’t make it to the hospital, that much you know already. I lost you on the ambulance. I try to remember the exact chain of events but they’re clouded with a giant dark storm of pain. All I remember is that I signed a bunch of papers to donate your organs, like you wished to be done, and kept telling myself  _ ‘don’t lose it, don’t lose it, Gwen still needs you.’ _

 

I took care of everyone just like you would have if the roles were switched. I called your parents, hugged your brothers and sisters, talked to the cops. I powered through the pain and shock like a champ. You would’ve been proud of me. It gave me a distraction from going mad. 

 

But when I got home, baby girl… When I got home and closed the door behind me, my act was called out. I faced the complete absence that took your place and I couldn’t hold it any longer. It was like… your death wasn’t real. It was just a scary simulation of what could happen, but it didn’t  _ feel _ real until I was alone at our home.

 

I didn’t have to put on a brave face to anyone, and when I saw all the little things that reminded me of you spread around the house… I wasn’t strong enough, babe. I wasn’t, better yet, I’m  _ still  _ not evolved enough to make the best out of this situation. All I felt that moment was  _ anger _ .

 

I was angry that he took you away from me; angry that your life was cut short when you were just about to do something nice for yourself instead of working for others; angry that all I had was a little more than a year with you. 

 

I wish I had more time with you. I wish I wasn’t so stupid to waste my time picking up fights and being such a jackass. I hate that I’ll never see you in that pink wedding dress you dreamed about. I wanted to punch and kill and smash everything in my sight because I was so, so mad… I was tired of the pain, the wreck I was feeling inside, and the worst part is… it will never leave me. As long as I’m breathing, I’ll be missing you. Destroying the house like I did made no difference whatsoever on that matter, but I only realized that once I saw myself in the midst of the wreckage.

 

I know you’d probably scold me and tell me I’m  _ better than that,  _ because that’s who you were… Always trying to bring out the best in people. So I’m trying, baby… I’m trying so hard to be this person you’d be proud of. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

 

You were probably the one to send RaeLynn to rescue me that day and tell me just that. And I have to give kudos for that girl, because I was a goddamn train wreck. After we buried you, I didn’t see a point on living anymore, not if you weren’t here with me, so I just… kept breathing out of sheer luck. Or bad luck, so I thought. Why someone so little like me was being granted the chance to be alive while you, someone so kind, so good, had to die? It was plain  _ unfair. _

 

I broke my phone too, along with pretty much everything in my sight. I didn’t open the door when people came to check up on me; in fact I didn’t leave my spot on the floor next to your side of the bed for days. Days and nights came and gone like a blur and I barely registered them. I should have been stronger, baby… I know that. But I just couldn’t. So I shut everyone away. 

 

I wasn’t ready to face a life without you by my side. 

 

_ I didn’t want _ to live without you. 

 

Until RaeLynn came to drag me out of the house. She had a key, and frankly it would take a freaking  _ meteor  _ to stop that girl from coming in. I tried to push her away too, I yelled and said terrible things to her. I was expecting her to hate me and leave me alone. But she did the opposite: she hugged me until I accepted. And then I collapsed. 

 

I cried like a baby. I let out everything that I had been holding inside of my behind a wall of rage. I said how much I was lost without you and had no idea how to get back to the world. Rae didn’t let me give up. She reminded me how you’ve taught me everything you knew, and now I had big shoes to fill. I wasn’t the only one missing your presence and guidance. There was a whole institution that needed you and I just had to step up and help. 

 

She reminded me I couldn’t let you down like that. You’d never forgive me if I gave up that easily. 

 

Oh, baby girl…  the first few days were horrible. Every time I’ve stepped foot inside those gates, I’d remember what happen. A lot of parents withdrew their kids’ applications out of fear the traumatic events would spike a setback in their condition. But a few remained. And slowly we got back on our feet. 

 

I figured we could use your story to help other people, so we started campaigning against domestic abuse, as well as substance use. That new amount of work gave me a sense of meaning. Your death would  _ not _ be in vain. We released your album and partnered with some other institutions and every penny earned with it went to other victims and their families. I felt good, but I still missed you like as if a limb was cut out of me. 

 

And I know that, wherever you are, you noticed that. Because I got a call from the label asking what I wanted to do with a song you recorded but didn’t put into the album. A song you were saving for a special moment and didn’t show anyone. They were wondering if I wanted to release it as an extra song for a deluxe version of your album. I didn’t know what that song was about so they sent it to me. 

 

You’re full of surprises baby, aren’t you? Because when I heard that song, I just  _ knew _ . I knew you were looking out for me even from above, because there’s no other explanation to why you left  _ Rare _ out of your album. Why you never showed it to me before. You saved that song for when I’d needed it the most. 

 

Shit, I didn’t mean to cry… I’m sorry. 

 

That has to be the single greatest song ever written. And it was a gift for me, which is even more mind blowing. I spent days trying to decide on what to do with it, because, selfishly enough, I didn’t want anyone else to know. I wanted to be all mine, a special present to remind me you’re always watching me. 

 

But what if there’s another person out there that needs to hear that they are enough, that they are  _ worthy _ ? Like you said once to me… everyone has something worth saving, no matter how broken they once were. So I greenlit the release as an extra single… and I should give you congratulations, because that was your first #1 song for 4 weeks.

 

That song also reminded me about a promise I made you right after we got married. About my father. It’s not easy, baby girl, but you’re right. Well, you were always the wisest out of the two of us, isn’t that right? 

 

My dad is a tough cookie, I’ll tell you that much. He’s really putting an effort, or so it seems. He really seems changed. In fact, I’m going over to his house after this.

 

Well… I think you’re updated on pretty much everything that has happened since you’re gone. Oh! Sorry, how could I forget? Jen is pregnant. Todd cried and ran around the foundation like a crazy person when they found out it was a girl. It was funny. He was like “ _ I’m not equipped to be a girl’s father! What the hell am I supposed to do?”  _ I think it was the first time I  _ really  _ laughed since you… you know. 

 

She’s due in the Summer a couple months from now, kinda around the one year anniversary of your… death. Part of me thinks it’s your doing again, trying to bring some happiness into the family to ease this pain of not having you with us.

 

They asked me to be her godfather. I accepted of course, and then I went home and cried like a baby. It baffles me that they still want me to be a part of their… your family. It makes me feel closer to you, somehow. And I promise I’ll be the best damn godfather for that little girl. And I’ll teach her everything about the awesome auntie she has, watching her over from the sky. 

 

That’s it, baby girl. I have now told you everything. And that brings me to the real reason I’m here today. I came to say goodbye. Just for a while, and I hope you don’t be mad at me. But now things are okay at John’s Garden, people started to get by without you, so it’s time. I’m gonna make that trip you’ve always wanted to do. I leave tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Spending a month on the road seems the perfect opportunity to get some closure. And I’ll be fulfilling your last wish. So I think you would’ve loved that. 

 

On top of all that, I guess I just wanted to say thank you. You saw something in me that I didn’t even see it myself, and you never gave up, no matter how much of an asshole I was to you. I know I still make mistakes… God knows I’m far from perfect, but you made me want to be something better. Even in the darkest days of grief, Gwen, I could never regret the days I spent with you. I’ll cherish them forever, because even though I lost you, I’m a completely different person now, and it’s because of you. I hope that, wherever you are, you know that.

 

Well, I guess I better be going, then. See you in my dreams, baby girl.” 

 

 

THE END. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once y'all are done hating me I'd really like to know what you guys thought about this fic and this ending. Love you all and stay tuned, there's another fic coming - this one with a happier ending, I promise! ahaha


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